On the Road Again

A little over three years ago, I started using my parent's treadmill, joined Weight Watchers, and slowly but surely lost 90 pounds. A few years before that, I went through a Celebrate Recovery step study group to address my food addiction and codependency. 

Sticking to a diet and exercise plan is treating symptoms of a deeper issue; in my case, food addiction. There are reasons for that food addiction. That is my go-to coping mechanism - even still. Once I was willing to look honestly at myself and my destructive habits, I could move out of denial and deal with my past hurts in a more constructive way. I believe that the work I did in Celebrate Recovery laid the ground work to my eventual weight loss.

So, now about my eventual weight gain...

My routines in life changed, some new stressors flared up, old ones came out of the wood work.

Two years ago, I hit my lowest weight, plateaued, and have slowly but surely crept back up the scale. Since then, I've been attempting to lose the weight again - but mostly by focusing on the structure and to-do lists of diet and exercise. There's nothing wrong with this, except that I have tried to forget that I have a food addiction that only gets worse as I ignore it. It's not very much fun to acknowledge my weaknesses. It's not very much fun at all. 

In fact, it really sucks. Looking in the mirror has been really hard the last year, both literally and figuratively. Tapes in my head have been playing my failures and mistakes on a never-ending loop. It seems like just about any stressor can trigger a binge, which begins the cycle of self-loathing and attempts at self-soothing. 

Are you as tired of this story as I am? 

The through-line in this story is my hope that I can do all of this on my own. That I have the power to control my surroundings, my urges, my mind, my habits. Several months ago, through a series of events and conversations, I became very aware that my health (or lack thereof) is a matter of obedience to God. It is also the very last thing I want to give to Him. When I am at my lowest, I yell at God, asking Him why he hasn't taken this away from me, changed me, made me instantly lose weight, asking why he has allowed this weakness in me to begin with?! 

Here's what I know, when I'm being very brutally honest with myself: God didn't give me my issues. And He won't take away an issue that I'm holding so tightly to - that would step on my free will, something God doesn't do. I also know that God has provided me with all the necessary means to release my death grip on all of this and release it fully into His care. And yet I refuse to humble myself, step out of denial, and trust God with my deepest fears, desires, insecurities, and weaknesses. In the moment, it always seems 'easier' to wallow in self-pity and a victim mentality.

Because, when I look at my actions, I see this person I don't want to be, someone I want to hide from, run from. How could anyone, let alone God, love that kind of person? A person who in the face of life's stresses, runs away from the help God has provided to pull day-old pizza out of the bottom of the trash bag??

(Seriously ya'll, I've done it. Multiple times. It's not always pizza, but you can picture the desperate mayhem.)

I've never been very good at taking care of myself; I have usually equated it with selfishness. I don't even like to brush my teeth or shower regularly!!! You can laugh, please join me, because it really is ridiculous enough to make me chuckle! When I really start feeling down on myself, I stop taking care of myself entirely. That way, I can prove myself to be right - that I'm not worth the effort.

There it is! The crux of all of this insanity!!! I don't think I'm WORTH ENOUGH! And I know I'm not alone in this! Especially we women - we can pick ourselves more quickly and thoroughly than anyone else! 

And the Enemy knows exactly which thread to pull, which tape to play. And boy, does he ever. I will so easily believe that I don't deserve the good things in life: nice clothes, looking pretty, being healthy in mind and body, or even a regular solo devotional time with the God I so desperately need to be rejuvenated by. I don't even deserve the time it takes to floss my teeth or brush them twice daily - I deserve cavities instead.

Just in case you were wondering, as open as I am, it isn't easy to admit this to anyone else, let alone myself. But I believe that I'm not alone in any of this. Sharing our burdens lightens the load. And telling you my hopes, fears, and mess-ups defeats stops the tape in my head that says I will be rejected if anyone knows. In my heart of hearts, I know better. Thanks be to God for His gift of the Holy Spirit and fellowship.

The woman I really want to be, the woman I believe God has designed me to become, is a pillar of faith who puts God first in her life, takes care of herself holistically so as to be a ready and able vehicle for God's purposes for her, and lives out His Word with confidence and hope. 

When I read those words, pouring out of my heart, how could I ever let Satan tell me that it is just pride and selfishness to entertain such thoughts? I claim the truth of God's Scriptures, that He came to give me life in abundance, not to steal from me like the Enemy (John 10:10). 

I'm taking action, my friends! Once again, I'm on the wagon. Well, at least I'm putting a step-ladder next to it so I can make the climb. I have many thanks to give to my husband and close friends in my life who have spoken hard truths to me, encouraging me to do what I know I need to do - for myself.

We bought a treadmill, for starters. I've tried so many different ways to get myself exercising regularly again, but nothing has stuck. So what worked before? Having a treadmill in my house! So, that's what we did. My sweet husband, excitedly helped me pick out and pick up an affordable treadmill - and even make room for it in our spare room. I'll tell you more about this as we get it all set up and I can use it!

The other thing I am going to do: go to a Celebrate Recovery meeting again. I don't know where this will lead, if anywhere. I'm taking baby steps. (Not to the elevator.... Thanks for laughing at my lame joke, for those of you who get it...) I've got to address the reasons for my harmful coping habits, as well as the habits themselves.

And, last but not least, I'm committing to blogging more regularly again. Talking to you really does help me. And based on some responses I've received, it helps some of you, too. 

And besides, I missed you! I hope it's mutual. ;-) 

No matter your beliefs, I hope you will find my parting words (borrowed, as they are) as encouraging as I do:

"We have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." (Romans 5:2-5)

So tell me: Can you relate to any of this? What's been going on in your life in my absence? Any words of advice and/or encouragement to offer? What are you working on in your life right now?