Friday, March 30, 2012

Snooping Success

I decided to look around my hubby's computer to see what treasures I might uncover. You see, while on our vacation, I am using Kevin's old laptop to do my blogging.

This post is brought to you by my snooping:

Sent to me via text while he was in Hawaii last February (2011).

Ted (Theodore), the toad I loaned Kevin to keep him company.

Another text showing me the hail from his (now our) apartment landing.

Taken last March, also in Long Beach, WA. He likes funny signs.

Last April at the Tulip fields.

No idea when/where this was taken.

I clogged the toilet. At his parent's house.

I really ought to be more embarrassed about these things.

Ikea.

Summer. My gracefulness on display.

Kevin's (parent's) dog Annie. She growls (smiles) when she's happy.

My old car! Again, no idea when/where this was taken. Although, I can tell I'm at a lower weight here. Damn it. I'll get there!

I got Kevin these Starbucks Via things and little creamer cups to make for on-the-go coffee.

Another funny sign he captured.

Playing with Photo Booth on his new laptop.

We enjoy simple things such as free apps. And, no joke, we are now both addicted to this game.
 
While on tour of his alma mater, St. Martin's University.
 
 
He thought it would be so funny to document my gracefulness. Again.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Bisque, Bread & Beach

The risen dough. My dough actually sat & rose for about 21 hours, but it still turned out great!
Baking away in the Dutch oven! (One of my fav kitchen items.)
Finished product! A bit lop-sided, but absolutely delicious!
The outside is crunchy and crispy, the inside is moist and chewy. Delicious flavor. I especially loved mine toasted with a little melted Dubliner cheese on top. Yum! Find the recipe for this easy bread (the first yeast bread I've ever made) here. I can't wait to try more flavors!
Roasting mushrooms to make Mushroom Bisque, recipe here.
Delicious soup!!! Oh my goodness!!! I blended 3/4 of the roasted mushrooms with the rest of the soup instead of just adding them after.
Kevin suggested that for next time I set aside the sauteed onions before I blend the soup, adding them back in after for added texture.
This series of pictures may not be fully related (especially since the food is from back home before our vacay), but the alliteration of the title inspired me. Deal with it. This would be the view of our hotel from the walkway to the beach.
My goodness, that man is handsome. He smiles for me when I want to take his picture. I really appreciate that.
We are loving our time away. Many more thanks to generous family and a wondrous Creator who takes my breath away daily. What a wonderful world, indeed, Louie.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Weekly Update, and Honeymooning!

On our way to Long Beach, WA.

 Weekly Update:


Exercise: 3 lunch walks, 25 min. each. 1 walk with Kevin around Long Beach, about 45 minutes.


Weight loss: I don't know! We decided that I wouldn't track or weight myself this week. I need a vacation - from everything! I'll be back at it next week!


Last week was full of breakdowns, as you've read. Kevin got a front row seat to the spectacle that arises when I reach my limit, my wall, and am ready to throw in much more than a towel. 


You see, I haven't been making much progress - on the scale. So I'm going to do something about it. We will use part of this wonderful, restful week of vacation to formulate a plan - for both of us. We both have health goals and need to make a few changes. More on that to come!

And as I said above, I realized I needed this week to be a complete break, a total time of rest. With all the stress coming from so many directions, at Kevin's suggestion, I decided to take a brief hiatus from tracking and weighing. I'm still being careful about what I eat, but letting my mind and body take a rest.


Moving Right Along: Last week I weighed us all down with heavy topics. Important though they may be, let's lighten up this week! 


You all have the privilege (see how I'm optimistic about your excitement?) of honeymooning with Kevin and me this week. 


My generous brother and his wife gifted us with a week-long stay at a World Mark resort as our wedding gift. After four months of marriage, we finally get to go on our honeymoon! Now, my husband reminds me that we sort of had our honeymoon right after the wedding and that this is more of a vacation. I spit in the eye of logic - regularly - and choose to call this our honeymoon anyway! (Do I detect a French accent?) 


The view from the sun roof.

Crossing back into Washington.

The amazing husband in the awesome kitchen!

I love these little details.


This place is just a bit smaller than our apartment!

Ocean view.



Starting out our vacation Down Under!

See, I saw that the oyster shooter came with the shot glass. We decided a while back that what we would collect from our various travels would be shot glasses. Much smaller than mugs, but still fun. And small things are cute.

Because I couldn't really keep the shot glass (according to me) unless I ate the loogey inside, I swallowed it. Whole. Didn't chew. I was afraid that the chewing and tasting might make me gag. But at least I tried!

Yummy cocktail. Cherry flavored.

Starting to feel relaxed and ready to keep it going!




The room is amazing. Actually, I should call it an apartment. This gift, from my brother and sis-in-law, is incredible! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! And it came at just the right time. We are already SO glad that we decided to take our honeymoon trip over Spring Break. (Here is where I gloat because we still get time off since our lives still revolve around school.)


Today is by the far the most gorgeous we've seen. More pictures of our adventure to come!


So tell me: What are you up to this week?

Friday, March 23, 2012

Food Phobia: De-Stressing Healthily

Despite my journey, my progress with health and sanity (which you all know about by now), I still fear Food.


That's right.
The Enemy? My homemade cheesecake for the hubby's birthday earlier in March.


I fear Food. Food isn't bad, or good. She just is. (Yes, Food is a she, how else would you describe her mood swings and tendency to over-react?)The qualifier is how I use her. Right now I need to keep my boundaries with this caloric love of mine, Food. We are acquaintances. We used to be intimate lovers. (Does this make me a lesbian?) Then we had that major falling out when I decided our codependency was suffocating me. As I continue to learn and grow as a health-conscious person, perhaps Food and I can renew our lost love, but it will never be the same.

With each passing day, I practice being a healthy member of the relationship.


Yet, when I receive a party invitation, I instantly get anxious thinking about Food. Undoubtedly, the less-Food-focused folks, will supply and enjoy delicious (and calorie-filled) treats. Usually, Food becomes dissatisfied with her table-like throne and gradually slips onto every horizontal surface (including the floating plates) so as to spread her reign. 


I must admit, she pretty much reached her goal of overall domination. Why else would I fear her presence when any social get together is mentioned? We both know the answer. Food always shows up. Even if she dressed in green and whole grains for the occasion, chances are she will still tempt me to greediness, taking part in her delicious ways in abundance. 


Okay, okay, perhaps I am being too hard on her. Perhaps all she truly wants is to be generous, sharing her warmth and wealth with all who come near. It is much easier for me to vilify her than admit that I lack the will and self control to keep healthy boundaries in our relationship. It's not her fault. Well, not entirely her fault anyway. She has a history of clinging to me more than some others I know; relationships are always a two way street.


As a child, she was often dressed in Golden Arches and Kingly Crowns. To me, her purpose was to not only feed my physical hunger, but to provide emotional soothing.


And this is where I will break down my metaphor, even though I am quite fond of it after this many words typed (and deleted).


I eat my emotions. Always have. I know many share this affliction. In my experience, everyone has their equivalent. Something, some behavior that helps them get through the stress of life. I also over-analyze (everything), control, compare myself to others (which either leads to pride or self-loathing), spend money on frivolous things, and vent (mostly to my very kind and patient husband). 


On the positive side, I exercise regularly, eat healthily, seek God's approval and comfort above all other's, and let my husband talk me down (he has gotten very good at this). 


Figuring out how to de-stress without eating poorly has been difficult. If you read my most recent post, you know that this is a life-long struggle for me. You also know I am celebrating each successful step! But maybe you don't know some of the practical ways I actively deal with my need to de-stress without turning to Food.


First off, I talk myself down. Okay, actually, my husband is usually the one doing the talking. He knows me well enough to know the logical thoughts burried in my head and pulls them out to show me when my emotions are too inflated to see around. He says things like this:


"Nicole, just because we are going on vacation doesn't mean unhealthy eating should accompany our time of play and rest. Just because your friend is having a party doesn't mean you have to binge or eat mindlessly. It doesn't even mean you have to eat at all. Just because Food is present doesn't mean you have to partake. Just because your school has a cheap cafeteria full of carb-loaded lunches doesn't mean you have to eat it. Just because the teacher's lounge always has sugary treats within doesn't mean you have to go; it also doesn't mean you have to avoid that wing of the school with such fervor. 


Yes, this whole weight loss thing is hard. Battling food addiction is hard. Forgive yourself for your setbacks. Move on. Be thankful for the support you have, for the victories you have accomplished. And while we're at it, recognize the permanent progress you have made. Even if your weight isn't coming off as quickly as you'd like, each pound lost is permanently lost if you are truly changing your lifestyle, focusing primarily on health, creating habits and behaviors that can last you a lifetime. Be patient. Take your pain and impatience to your Creator. Remember that you are following His commands by treating your body as a temple - which does not include tearing it down verbally whenever you get impatient and self-conscious. You are fearfully and wonderfully made."


Secondly, I find outlets for my energy and creativity:
  • exercise
  • crocheting
  • singing
  • listening to music
  • writing this blog
  • decorating
  • organizing
  • cooking and baking
  • cleaning
Thirdly, I find ways to relax:
  • talking with friends
  • spending intentional time with Kevin (walking, Heroes, Wii)
  • taking a bath
  • praying
  • looking at magazines
  • journaling
  • choosing to be present
  • fun things with the husband (let's just leave it at that) ;-)





So tell me: What do you do to de-stress? How do you relax?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

BREAKING NEWS!!!

In the midst of another weight-loss-breakdown with my husband last night (full of: "This isn't working!" "This isn't worth it!" "I can't do this anymore!"), I made a breakthrough:


I HAVE'T HEARD THE STASH IN WEEKS!!!


You know, The Stash? That pile of goodies in every nook and cranny I travel to? That stack of Reece's Peanut Butter Cups in the pantry? The chocolate cake at either of our parents' homes? I can barely hear it!!!


As I was crying, whining, and falling apart on the couch, I realized that I knew that food was there - the thought crossed my mind that chocolate would make the world a little less horrific - but it wasn't worth the effort to get off the couch or ruin the progress I've made. The Stash's cry was weak and pitiful!


And I'll be totally honest here, I have made progress. My impatience, my addiction to food, tells me that I could not possibly be happy unless I am skinny and eating chocolate cake at the same time; they tell me my progress is worthless. Better energy? Better fitting clothes? Healthier mind and body? Healthier habits? Easily denying the faint call of The Stash? Totally doesn't count. Unless you can boast more than 5 measly pounds lost in over 11 weeks, you don't get to count any of that as "progress".


BUT IT DOES COUNT!!!


The telling moment was when I was telling my husband, "What's the point of saying no to all the foods I love if I'm not happy?! I might as well be fat and happy! The foods I love will make me happy! Saying no to them does not make me happy unless I see my weight go down on the scale!"


Then, the wise man trying desperately to keep me from completely falling apart said, "Food wont' make you happy."


Well, crap.


He continued, "If you don't love your body now, you won't love it when it looks the way you want it to. Food can't actually make you happy. Being a certain weight can't make you happy. If you can't be happy now, you won't be happy then."


Crap again. (And really, I need to, I've been all backed up for weeks! More information than you need, but you'll be getting more in a later post. Aren't you excited?!)


He's right. He is totally right. In fact, I have known his words to be true for a long time. My food addiction tells me that food will make me happy. My obsessive and over-analytical nature tell me that a certain weight will make me happy. It just isn't so.


And really, I am happy. I'm impatient, for sure. I want faster results. And when I have dieted more drastically, I've gotten those results. But as that wise (and therefore infuriating) man reminds me, with my current methods the weight is lost forever. The weight loss is slow, but permanent. I'm not on a diet, I'm changing my lifestyle. And I feel good. I feel really good. My emotions, well, that's another story. But I feel good!


I can easily maintain my weight with what I'm doing now AND enjoy food. The problem is, I do really want to lose more weight. I hit a plateau. And there's nothing wrong with the reasons I want to lose weight. I just have to deal with the reality that I will have to be a little bit more disciplined to jump start my weight loss again.


The fact that I am so hesitant to cut back on extras (for a very good reason) tells me that I still fear food: I fear its presence and its absence. If I have it, I will misuse it. If I don't have it, I won't be happy. 


So I am now really thinking about what I can do to kick this whole weight loss thing up a notch - nothing drastic, nothing I can't stick to - but continue to battle my fear of food and have the healthy body I believe I can have. (More on my fear of food tomorrow.) Once I have decided which changes I will make, I will let you know. The hubs and I are both making some changes. So while away on our vacation (starting tomorrow!) we will read, talk, think and make some plans.


Stay tuned! More to come! 


And keep the comments coming! It helps and encourages me so much. I love them!
This is thrown in for sheer adorability. I just made up a word.


If you want to read more about the success of slow weight loss, here is a good article.




So tell me: How are you feeling?
    

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Celebrating Recovery



God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr


While speaking with a friend recently, I opened up some old memory boxes and found some forgotten truths inside. She was telling me about some of her struggles with food and exercise, which led to her dealing with them in a drastic way, and I recalled my own vulnerability and insecurity when I first faced my issues head on. Honestly, I realized, for the first time in a long time, that I am still food addicted. I didn't "get over" it. It is still part of me, a part that I fight and deal with daily. 


Let's take it back before we move forward:


A few years ago, I went through a Christ-based 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. The initial catalyst was my self-diagnosed food addiction. 


You've heard me (okay, read me?) mention food addiction several times. It isn't a clever turn of phrase or humorous exaggeration. It's the truth. Food is the medium I use to deal with my emotions; good and bad, big and small, each and every emotion. Unfortunately, I cannot abstain completely from my addiction. Food is unique in that way - we need it to survive. Let me say that again, I need it to survive. Using "I" statements, taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions, is something I learned at Celebrate Recovery. So easily we, I, use the society at large to share the burden of our, my, truths. "We" is so much easier than "I".


When I first started attending Celebrate Recovery (CR), I was skeptical. "Why am I here? My problem is not as bad as someone's addiction to porn or alcohol, and certainly not drugs. This is ridiculous. They need this. I don't need this. I don't belong with them."


But I stuck with it, just to give it a try. I was especially curious and intrigued because so many people I knew from church and the community were at these  meetings. Why? What were they struggling with? Why did they need recovery?


[Side note: Isn't it interesting how our society views recovery? I had fit right in with the crowd that looked at recovery and saw only stigma and stereotype. In my experience, everyone has some hurt, habit, or hang-up that causes pain and turmoil in their life. A recovery program may not be for everyone, but acknowledgement of the ways we deal with hurt and fear in this world of pain is crucial to battle our unhealthy coping mechanisms.]


Each week I would attend the large gathering, including a shared meal, worship session and speaker. When a new small group opened up for women with similar issues as mine, I went for it. Even though I felt small, scared, and often out of place, God showed me my need for this kind of support and growth as time went on. Even though I was the youngest person in attendance, that difference disappeared after a while. There, we were all sinners in need of Grace; all dealing with a hurt, habit, or hang-up that kept us from living fully into the blessings of this life. This is where I learned what the Church truly is, what it is meant to be.


As I learned the rules and ways of the program, anonymity and confidentiality, saving cross-talk for after the meetings, using "I" statements, committing the Serenity Prayer to memory, my focus changed. I was no longer worried about anyone else, what they thought or what they might need from me, I was free to sit with my issues without interruption. 


It became clear to me that my food addiction was a symptom of a deeper issue, though certainly a symptom that needed treatment. Food was where I turned when I was unable to control anything else around me. I could always count on food to be there for me, to momentarily make my pain go away. Sometimes it was there out of habit, to celebrate, or battle boredom, but it took much more than it gave.


Under my padding of pounds, the protective layers I had eaten onto my body, was what I now call codependency. My approval came from my loved ones, as did most of my hurts. I didn't know how to say "no", how to create boundaries that kept me healthy and sane. This often manifested as control, my efforts to determine everything that went on around me. As I said before, food was something I could control.


Helping people is not bad. Being organized and efficient is not bad. Food, for that matter, is not bad. But anything in excess to the point of self-destruction is bad. These behaviors had taken over my life and left me depressed, obese, and constantly looking for the next thing to "cure" me. (Another time we can talk about how I hoped for a romantic relationship to be that cure.)


Listening to women I respected and loved talk about their pain, their issues, their struggles to regain health and stability broke my heart in all the best ways. This "they" that I feared welcomed me, loved on me, and helped me begin the long road of recovery. Notice I don't say "to" recovery, because it is not a destination, a point on the timeline that is reached and passed. It is continual, ongoing. We are recovering from this world in some way.


I named my hurts. I named those who hurt me. I named the hurts I caused. I named those I hurt. I named my unhealthy behaviors. I did my best to name their causes. I analysed, dug through, evaluated, and categorized my past, my person. 


Gradually, so painfully slowly, I learned that this addiction, these behaviors, did not own or define me. They existed, they were part of me, but fear and avoidance of them only gave them more power over me. 


I began to change. My relationships. My habits. My mindset.


Three years later, I can say that these changes have lasted. I've learned to use other means and methods of keeping tabs on my issues, even though I do not attend attend meetings. But I can also say that I have given some power back to my addictions by not rejoicing each day that I go without giving into them. 


I get so down on myself when I eat something unhealthy or forgo exercise to sit on the couch. Even though I can say that I have kept to my goals of eating well and exercising regularly for over eleven weeks (much thanks to the structure of Weight Watchers and the support of my husband), the scale has not given me the results I want. I'm still hung up on those numbers. In fact, I can say that I have practiced (note: not perfected) eating well and exercising - and not using food as a way to numb the pain, not letting food be my primary line of defense against any and all emotions/situations for over two years.


The truth is, I feel great. I talk about my cravings instead of giving in to them. I talk through my plans to get through tempting situations instead of giving in to them. I take the time, effort, and energy needed to create an environment which helps me to succeed, to battle my addictions day in and day out.


The other truth is, I'm angry that my weight hasn't dropped any more than it has. I'm angry that my efforts seem to be for naught. I'm angry that I have to think about food and exercise all the time. I have to force healthy habits on myself. I'm angry that some people don't have to deal with this. I'm angry that I see a fat person in the mirror most mornings. I'm angry that God didn't make me differently; that He didn't give me surroundings and a body that promoted easily attainable health. I'm angry that He gave me an issue that I can't avoid, that I'm faced with every single day.


One more truth: God didn't do this to me. He may have let it happen, but I don't believe God is in the business of punishment or destruction. He did give me ways to deal with and battle my issues. And He can handle my anger. In fact, I think He rejoices in my anger when it fills me up fully and requires my attention, rather than my old ways of running from anger straight to the Dairy Queen drive thru. Feeling my emotions to the fullest, dealing with them, acknowledging them, and then letting go of them is cause for celebration!


So today I celebrate! 


For every Costco chocolate muffin I have passed over: I celebrate!


For every second I have devoted to exercise: I celebrate!


For every tear I have cried on my husband's shoulder: I celebrate!


For every ounce of vegetables I have eaten each night: I celebrate!


For every pound lost: I celebrate!


For every item of clothing that has loosened: I celebrate!


For every energy-filled day: I celebrate!


For every night of restful sleep: I celebrate!


For every calorie accounted for: I celebrate!


For every measuring cup or spoon used: I celebrate!


For every water bottle drained: I celebrate!


For every word spoken to prevent falling off the wagon: I celebrate!


For every day gone without bingeing (54): I freaking dance with joy!


And today I thank:


Thank you to all the people who have helped me find healthy ways of handling my hurts, habits, and hang-ups. 


Thank you for listening to me for hours on end. 


Thank you for asking me to bring a veggie tray to your party. 


Thank you for asking me what foods are good for me too. 


Thank you for sticking with me through change and hardship. 


Thank you for reminding me that my identity is in Christ, not an addiction. 


Thank you for pointing out my value and worth when I couldn't see it. 


Thank you for loving me. Fully, deeply loving me. 


Thank you for asking me questions, telling me your story, and celebrating each milestone and victory with me.




Let's celebrate! Let's rejoice in our triumphs each day! Never let the Evil in this world trivialize or demean the steps you take toward health and sanity! 


In complete and utter sincerity: Fight the Good fight!






So tell me: What Good fight are you fighting? How do you get the support you need? More importantly, how do you celebrate your triumphs?






To learn more about Celebrate Recovery, visit this site.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Weekly Update, and Defining Femininity


Weekly Update:

Exercises: Four days of lunch walking (25 min. each); One elliptical "pump" for 40 minutes

Weight Loss: 179. That's up. 2.6 pounds up, to be exact.

I could scream.

I mean, really. Out loud. Into my classroom. Terrifying my poor students.

Not only did I stay within my lessened-from-last-week points this entire week, but I took measures to ramp up my weight loss. Less fruit. Less points. More water. Longer exercise. And- I went up. This is where I was three weeks ago. Which is where I was five weeks ago. Commence: screaming.

My husband reassures me that though the scale may not reflect my work, that I am looking more toned. And it is true that my clothes are fitting better -though that was true last week as well. Over the last (almost) three months, I can see an increase in energy, fewer mood swings (Kevin, you don't get to weigh in on that), and better fitting pants. That's something, right?

It's enough to want to give up. The three times that we ended up eating out this week, I ate salads. Even with all my home cooked meals and new recipes, I measured, portioned and tracked everything. E. Very. Thing.

Are there sneaky spy calories making their way into my system as I sleep?

Well, speaking of sleep, the hubs and I both know that we don't get enough. I know that lack of sleep can slow down weight loss. And we've been more stressed lately - crazy schedules, finishing law school (for him), dealing with stress at work (for me). We know now that we are moving in June. We are already looking for jobs (that we don't have yet). Our school debt looms over our heads, and will for many years to come. We each are fighting off getting sick - which is hard to do when one of us works with walking petri dishes.

It all adds up.

So, despite my dejected spirit, I will recognize that I am putting as much energy into this as I know how. I'm making the healthy decisions. I still have 11 whole weeks of consistency under my belt (though, I wish it was taking up less room under that belt).

This week I will go to the gym twice and walk during four lunches. I'll keep my daily and extra weekly points the same, even though I could technically raise them since my weight raised. And that's it. No drastic measures. I will choose to trust the process and believe that my body will let go of the pounds when it is good and ready, trying to force greater change will only add stress, which will not aid in this weight loss/health gain process.

There are other things that also require energy from me. Ideas and thoughts that keep my brain occupied. Tasks and lists that demand doing. And preparing for our belated honeymoon trip beginning on Friday.

Speaking of thoughts that occupy the mind,

I'm struggling with the ideas and preachings of (extreme) "Feminism".


Here's the thing: I do believe women can do anything, and should have the opportunities to do so. I also believe that each of us, as humans, men and women, are unique and have different giftings and dreams. So why is it that I feel as though I am now looked down on (or somehow pitied, or assumed to be under the thumb of a man, or The Man) because I dream of being a housewife and stay-at-home mom?

This wasn't always my dream. Many women in my life have preached (by word or action) from a pedestal of individuality and self-sufficiency - to the point of never needing a man. I had it in my mind that if my husband ever wanted me to stay home that he was disrespecting me and holding me back. Ya know, that whole "Woman, make me a sandwich while being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen!" thing. In fact, I thought he wasn't supposed to have an opinion at all. (Though it was my opinion that he should want to work and provide an income. Never really thought that one through.) What I have discovered is that I actually want these things. Not to be stifled or held back, but to have my home, family, and community as my 'work'.

Throughout the season of dating my now husband, I discovered these desires within me. All of a sudden I was far more interested in decorating, baking, cleaning, organizing - taking care of a man and a home - and somehow this also became taking care of me. As a newly married woman, this is the work I value most. At the end of the day I wish I just had more time to do laundry and dishes so that our evenings could always be spent relaxing instead of working. What often ends up happening is that we do relax and ignore the stuff we can't get done during the day. And fun projects for me? Ya know, all those Pinterest boards I have filled up in hopes of being creative once in a while? Forget about it! (I'd like to think that I said that in a New York accent.)

Maybe you have very different ideals. If you have different dreams, contrasting desires- that's fine with me! In fact, that's fantastic! To each his or her own. How much better do we learn from each other when we share our differences rather than shake them in each other's faces, hoping that 'other' will bend (or break) to our way of thinking?

In looking back on history, and the proverbial "50's Housewife", I can see how the Feminist Movement came about. (However, I think the expectations of men were just as restrictive. Each gender had their role to play and an individual was looked down on if they strayed but a little.) It is my opinion, however, that the pendulum may have swung too far in the opposite direction.

Work, in the traditional sense, has never been my thing. I've known forever that I would love most getting paid to go on coffee dates with people. When I was a single person looking ahead with no marriage in sight, I chose the path of teaching. If I had to work to pay my bills, I might as well give myself the best shot at enjoying the good 'ol nine-to-five. (Though in education, it's more like 7:30 to whenever the job's done... Don't get me ranting on the flaws in and pressures on our education system. It gets me all riled up! Go, teachers, go!) The truth is, it has never been my deepest desire to have a classroom for thirty years.

My deep heart longings were always pieced together with images of marriage, children, a beautiful home, and an espresso machine complete with plumbing and a portafilter (not an automatic!) - not to mention a community of people who always knew which house to go to if they needed anything (my house, in case that wasn't clear). When these seemed out of reach, it came time to put on my big girl panties (funny how this was true in more ways than one at the time) and choose a field that would allow me to actually move out of my parent's home someday. (For a while there, I wasn't sure that was going to happen...)

Those deep dreams of mine started to surface when I met my Kevin; I had shoved them into an old box labeled Save For Later. As we dated and moved toward marriage, their voices grew louder and clearer from inside their cardboard walls. Now that they walk around the apartment outside of their previous cage, I do my best to meet their demands in the few hours not devoted to bill-paying.


Now, in case your feathers are ruffled to the point of disarray, keep in mind that these are my opinions, my dreams. This is not my prescription for a happy life - for anyone other than myself. That's why I struggle with Feminism; the statements I hear or read don't say, "Hey, this is what I think is best," they say, "Your way is wrong." And I don't always agree.

One of my very best friends would probably acknowledge Feminist tendencies, but I wouldn't title her a Feminist. She has her beliefs, I have mine. Many we share, many we don't. We have spent a decade learning to discuss these without taking it personally, respecting and supporting one another. I appreciate that she acts on her beliefs, encourages me to save the world one recycled bottle at a time, and never tears down my chosen lifestyle.

I bake. I cook. I clean. I crochet. I craft. And I love it. I love tending my husband. He loves tending me.

I even make him sandwiches. And he makes me coffee.  

Does this mean I am being stifled or held back? No, this frees me to live into the giftings and desires that God weaved into my intricate design.

I also love make-up and hair products. I love shopping. I love walking around the mall with a Starbucks beverage in hand. I am very girly. Do domesticity and femininity undermine my rights as a woman?

Another huge dream of mine is to be in a musical again. It's been nearly four years! I may love singing with my whole being as a character on stage as much as taking care of my home. My heart lights on fire when I step out on stage - I feel connected to my Creator just as much in these moments as when I look around at our homey apartment knowing it is safe and welcoming. I have many dreams. For now, I trust that each has its season.


If a self-titled Feminist is reading this, please do not take offense. I respect and support your choices - they are yours to make! But if my choice is to use my freedom to take care of a home and family, please do not try to convince me that I'm just being pressured into a man-made mold. This is my choice. Now let's have a treat. A girlfriend of mine has perfected the Chocolate Chip Crack... I'm sorry... I meant Cookie.


So tell me: What do you dream of? What would you love to spend your time doing if bills were never an issue? And while we're at it, what recipes have you perfected and decided to bring to me, an avid Taste Tester???

Friday, March 16, 2012

Lentils, Tikkas, and Bananas, Oh My!

Last week, while standing in the kitchen walking toward the go-to dinner cupboard, I realized that I had inadvertently taken a short hiatus from cooking dinner. It had been several weeks since I had tried a new recipe. Other than making the lentils a few times, dinners had been quick, repetitive, and mostly comprised of stereotypical college dorm food.

Kevin was a little too quick to agree.

"What?! You don't like sandwiches and chili from a can every night? I don't know how to make duck-con-fee (see how gourmet I am?)! Remember that one night when you were too stuffed from your lunchtime frozen pizza so I ate chips, salsa, and heated canned green beans, delicately balanced on my lap, while sitting on the arm of the couch? That's variety and ingenuity!"


Hmm.

Perhaps the man had a point. (I'll never let on, though.)

So, this week, with a little planning and creativity, I tried some new recipes, tweaked some old favorites, and added some (real) variety to our evenings (and took way too many pictures of food - see below).

Homemade Pita Chips (a WW member recipe)



 Garlicky, parmesany deliciousness. Excellent crunch factor.

I needed to bake the chips a little longer (a bit soggy in the middle), and perhaps one egg white would do, maybe even just the olive oil. Nevertheless, they were quite tasty! And I love a side dish that is filling, delicious, and only 2 Points per serving (4 chips)!


Thank you, Vanna. 
[When using an egg wash, make sure the layer is thin enough not to leave small bits of baked egg on top of the chips. Oops.]

Chicken Tikka Masala (Weight Watchers recipe found here) with grilled asparagus and jasmine rice.


I prepped the chicken the night before so it could marinate in the yogurt sauce for a whole day. Do you know that grating fresh ginger root is actually somewhat difficult? That was a new one for me! In fact, I'd never made any Indian food before.



Triple Chocolate Chunk Muffins (Pinterest find, recipe here)


The muffins, each a scrumptous 2-Point snack, earned the hubby's approval (which is something - picky eater) even after my disclaimer: "Hey, try this muffin. I think it's pretty good. Although, they are healthy..."



Healthy is often a buzz word meaning 'less tasty' in my husband's vocabulary.

Honey Applesauce Banana Bread (another pinned win, recipe here)


Though my banana bread got glowing responses from several taste-testers, the hubs is not a fan of the banana flavor. So his disinterest in my FIRSTEVERANDDELICIOUS banana bread doesn't count. I'm not bitter.


(Okay, he did tell me a long time ago that he doesn't really like banana bread... I just happened to forget this small detail when I got all excited about the over ripened bananas I've been freezing for weeks...)

Admiring the hubby's handiwork.
Slow Cooker Lentil Soup (recipe here) made especially for our dinner guest who had yet to taste lentils, with roasted broccoli and crumbly bacon.

What I love about the lentil soup is that I can have the hubs get the slow cooker going during the day in between his text book reading and paper writing - which means dinner is basically ready by the time I get home. [And cooking doesn't stress him out at all. Nope, he loves it with a fiery passion. He always asks if he can do all the cooking since it is such a stress reliever. It doesn't send him into a frantic panic or bring a glisten to his brow. He cherishes the moments of solitude and quiet in the kitchen.]



Roasted Broccoli (found while reading one of my favorite blogs, recipe here)


I love broccoli. You know that church potluck cold broccoli salad with raisins and nuts? Love it. Steamed broccoli? I'll take some right now. Stir fried? Yes! And then I discovered oven-roasted veggies from a dear friend of mine a couple years ago. This recipe I used, which introduced me to grapeseed oil, was delictible! Next time I would set the oven at 375 instead of 400 and bake the little florets for a few more minutes (just a bit too much crunch).


Baked Bacon (recipe here)

The bacon baking was another Pinterest find. After laying down a sheet of tin foil, I laid out my bacon on the baking pan, sizzled the little guys for 20 minutes at 375 degrees, and got PERFECT BACON!!! The fat dripped easily into my fat drippings jar (technical term) and left very little mess. And, oh man, that bacon was perfectly delicious. Crispy, no gross chewy-fatty sections, and a wonderful spectrum of bronzes and browns. Gorgeous. It was a fantastic crushed addition to the lentil-y goodness.

..........

Fresh ingredients, time spent self-soothing in the kitchen, grocery lists, my favorite green apron, the satiated smile on my favorite man after eating good bites, and knowing that I never once jeopardized my weight loss progress or lost flavor along with calories - that is my definition of a successful cooking/baking week.



It's funny how my happiness still revolves around Food. At times.

Planning meals, scanning the shelves of Albertsons to see if anything may inspire my creativity, multi-tasking in the kitchen, smelling, tasting, plating, feeding my love, making dinner for friends, pinning every good-looking recipe on Pinterest, following food blogs, trying quinoa and basil paste for the first time, savoring a square of Dove dark chocolate as I snuggle under the covers for the night, saving up for a splurge of calories with family or at a restaurant.

Slowly, but surely, Food and I shall love each other in a healthy way.



So tell me: WHAT ARE YOU COOKING AND BAKING? Recipes, please! :)