I HAVE'T HEARD THE STASH IN WEEKS!!!
You know, The Stash? That pile of goodies in every nook and cranny I travel to? That stack of Reece's Peanut Butter Cups in the pantry? The chocolate cake at either of our parents' homes? I can barely hear it!!!
As I was crying, whining, and falling apart on the couch, I realized that I knew that food was there - the thought crossed my mind that chocolate would make the world a little less horrific - but it wasn't worth the effort to get off the couch or ruin the progress I've made. The Stash's cry was weak and pitiful!
And I'll be totally honest here, I have made progress. My impatience, my addiction to food, tells me that I could not possibly be happy unless I am skinny and eating chocolate cake at the same time; they tell me my progress is worthless. Better energy? Better fitting clothes? Healthier mind and body? Healthier habits? Easily denying the faint call of The Stash? Totally doesn't count. Unless you can boast more than 5 measly pounds lost in over 11 weeks, you don't get to count any of that as "progress".
BUT IT DOES COUNT!!!
The telling moment was when I was telling my husband, "What's the point of saying no to all the foods I love if I'm not happy?! I might as well be fat and happy! The foods I love will make me happy! Saying no to them does not make me happy unless I see my weight go down on the scale!"
Then, the wise man trying desperately to keep me from completely falling apart said, "Food wont' make you happy."
Well, crap.
He continued, "If you don't love your body now, you won't love it when it looks the way you want it to. Food can't actually make you happy. Being a certain weight can't make you happy. If you can't be happy now, you won't be happy then."
Crap again. (And really, I need to, I've been all backed up for weeks! More information than you need, but you'll be getting more in a later post. Aren't you excited?!)
He's right. He is totally right. In fact, I have known his words to be true for a long time. My food addiction tells me that food will make me happy. My obsessive and over-analytical nature tell me that a certain weight will make me happy. It just isn't so.
And really, I am happy. I'm impatient, for sure. I want faster results. And when I have dieted more drastically, I've gotten those results. But as that wise (and therefore infuriating) man reminds me, with my current methods the weight is lost forever. The weight loss is slow, but permanent. I'm not on a diet, I'm changing my lifestyle. And I feel good. I feel really good. My emotions, well, that's another story. But I feel good!
I can easily maintain my weight with what I'm doing now AND enjoy food. The problem is, I do really want to lose more weight. I hit a plateau. And there's nothing wrong with the reasons I want to lose weight. I just have to deal with the reality that I will have to be a little bit more disciplined to jump start my weight loss again.
The fact that I am so hesitant to cut back on extras (for a very good reason) tells me that I still fear food: I fear its presence and its absence. If I have it, I will misuse it. If I don't have it, I won't be happy.
So I am now really thinking about what I can do to kick this whole weight loss thing up a notch - nothing drastic, nothing I can't stick to - but continue to battle my fear of food and have the healthy body I believe I can have. (More on my fear of food tomorrow.) Once I have decided which changes I will make, I will let you know. The hubs and I are both making some changes. So while away on our vacation (starting tomorrow!) we will read, talk, think and make some plans.
Stay tuned! More to come!
And keep the comments coming! It helps and encourages me so much. I love them!
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| This is thrown in for sheer adorability. I just made up a word. |
If you want to read more about the success of slow weight loss, here is a good article.
So tell me: How are you feeling?
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