Weekly Update, and Defining Femininity

Weekly Update:

Exercises: Four days of lunch walking (25 min. each); One elliptical "pump" for 40 minutes

Weight Loss: 179. That's up. 2.6 pounds up, to be exact.

I could scream.

I mean, really. Out loud. Into my classroom. Terrifying my poor students.

Not only did I stay within my lessened-from-last-week points this entire week, but I took measures to ramp up my weight loss. Less fruit. Less points. More water. Longer exercise. And- I went up. This is where I was three weeks ago. Which is where I was five weeks ago. Commence: screaming.

My husband reassures me that though the scale may not reflect my work, that I am looking more toned. And it is true that my clothes are fitting better -though that was true last week as well. Over the last (almost) three months, I can see an increase in energy, fewer mood swings (Kevin, you don't get to weigh in on that), and better fitting pants. That's something, right?

It's enough to want to give up. The three times that we ended up eating out this week, I ate salads. Even with all my home cooked meals and new recipes, I measured, portioned and tracked everything. E. Very. Thing.

Are there sneaky spy calories making their way into my system as I sleep?

Well, speaking of sleep, the hubs and I both know that we don't get enough. I know that lack of sleep can slow down weight loss. And we've been more stressed lately - crazy schedules, finishing law school (for him), dealing with stress at work (for me). We know now that we are moving in June. We are already looking for jobs (that we don't have yet). Our school debt looms over our heads, and will for many years to come. We each are fighting off getting sick - which is hard to do when one of us works with walking petri dishes.

It all adds up.

So, despite my dejected spirit, I will recognize that I am putting as much energy into this as I know how. I'm making the healthy decisions. I still have 11 whole weeks of consistency under my belt (though, I wish it was taking up less room under that belt).

This week I will go to the gym twice and walk during four lunches. I'll keep my daily and extra weekly points the same, even though I could technically raise them since my weight raised. And that's it. No drastic measures. I will choose to trust the process and believe that my body will let go of the pounds when it is good and ready, trying to force greater change will only add stress, which will not aid in this weight loss/health gain process.

There are other things that also require energy from me. Ideas and thoughts that keep my brain occupied. Tasks and lists that demand doing. And preparing for our belated honeymoon trip beginning on Friday.

Speaking of thoughts that occupy the mind,

I'm struggling with the ideas and preachings of (extreme) "Feminism".


Here's the thing: I do believe women can do anything, and should have the opportunities to do so. I also believe that each of us, as humans, men and women, are unique and have different giftings and dreams. So why is it that I feel as though I am now looked down on (or somehow pitied, or assumed to be under the thumb of a man, or The Man) because I dream of being a housewife and stay-at-home mom?

This wasn't always my dream. Many women in my life have preached (by word or action) from a pedestal of individuality and self-sufficiency - to the point of never needing a man. I had it in my mind that if my husband ever wanted me to stay home that he was disrespecting me and holding me back. Ya know, that whole "Woman, make me a sandwich while being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen!" thing. In fact, I thought he wasn't supposed to have an opinion at all. (Though it was my opinion that he should want to work and provide an income. Never really thought that one through.) What I have discovered is that I actually want these things. Not to be stifled or held back, but to have my home, family, and community as my 'work'.

Throughout the season of dating my now husband, I discovered these desires within me. All of a sudden I was far more interested in decorating, baking, cleaning, organizing - taking care of a man and a home - and somehow this also became taking care of me. As a newly married woman, this is the work I value most. At the end of the day I wish I just had more time to do laundry and dishes so that our evenings could always be spent relaxing instead of working. What often ends up happening is that we do relax and ignore the stuff we can't get done during the day. And fun projects for me? Ya know, all those Pinterest boards I have filled up in hopes of being creative once in a while? Forget about it! (I'd like to think that I said that in a New York accent.)

Maybe you have very different ideals. If you have different dreams, contrasting desires- that's fine with me! In fact, that's fantastic! To each his or her own. How much better do we learn from each other when we share our differences rather than shake them in each other's faces, hoping that 'other' will bend (or break) to our way of thinking?

In looking back on history, and the proverbial "50's Housewife", I can see how the Feminist Movement came about. (However, I think the expectations of men were just as restrictive. Each gender had their role to play and an individual was looked down on if they strayed but a little.) It is my opinion, however, that the pendulum may have swung too far in the opposite direction.

Work, in the traditional sense, has never been my thing. I've known forever that I would love most getting paid to go on coffee dates with people. When I was a single person looking ahead with no marriage in sight, I chose the path of teaching. If I had to work to pay my bills, I might as well give myself the best shot at enjoying the good 'ol nine-to-five. (Though in education, it's more like 7:30 to whenever the job's done... Don't get me ranting on the flaws in and pressures on our education system. It gets me all riled up! Go, teachers, go!) The truth is, it has never been my deepest desire to have a classroom for thirty years.

My deep heart longings were always pieced together with images of marriage, children, a beautiful home, and an espresso machine complete with plumbing and a portafilter (not an automatic!) - not to mention a community of people who always knew which house to go to if they needed anything (my house, in case that wasn't clear). When these seemed out of reach, it came time to put on my big girl panties (funny how this was true in more ways than one at the time) and choose a field that would allow me to actually move out of my parent's home someday. (For a while there, I wasn't sure that was going to happen...)

Those deep dreams of mine started to surface when I met my Kevin; I had shoved them into an old box labeled Save For Later. As we dated and moved toward marriage, their voices grew louder and clearer from inside their cardboard walls. Now that they walk around the apartment outside of their previous cage, I do my best to meet their demands in the few hours not devoted to bill-paying.


Now, in case your feathers are ruffled to the point of disarray, keep in mind that these are my opinions, my dreams. This is not my prescription for a happy life - for anyone other than myself. That's why I struggle with Feminism; the statements I hear or read don't say, "Hey, this is what I think is best," they say, "Your way is wrong." And I don't always agree.

One of my very best friends would probably acknowledge Feminist tendencies, but I wouldn't title her a Feminist. She has her beliefs, I have mine. Many we share, many we don't. We have spent a decade learning to discuss these without taking it personally, respecting and supporting one another. I appreciate that she acts on her beliefs, encourages me to save the world one recycled bottle at a time, and never tears down my chosen lifestyle.

I bake. I cook. I clean. I crochet. I craft. And I love it. I love tending my husband. He loves tending me.

I even make him sandwiches. And he makes me coffee.  

Does this mean I am being stifled or held back? No, this frees me to live into the giftings and desires that God weaved into my intricate design.

I also love make-up and hair products. I love shopping. I love walking around the mall with a Starbucks beverage in hand. I am very girly. Do domesticity and femininity undermine my rights as a woman?

Another huge dream of mine is to be in a musical again. It's been nearly four years! I may love singing with my whole being as a character on stage as much as taking care of my home. My heart lights on fire when I step out on stage - I feel connected to my Creator just as much in these moments as when I look around at our homey apartment knowing it is safe and welcoming. I have many dreams. For now, I trust that each has its season.


If a self-titled Feminist is reading this, please do not take offense. I respect and support your choices - they are yours to make! But if my choice is to use my freedom to take care of a home and family, please do not try to convince me that I'm just being pressured into a man-made mold. This is my choice. Now let's have a treat. A girlfriend of mine has perfected the Chocolate Chip Crack... I'm sorry... I meant Cookie.


So tell me: What do you dream of? What would you love to spend your time doing if bills were never an issue? And while we're at it, what recipes have you perfected and decided to bring to me, an avid Taste Tester???