Weekly Update, and My Frenemy: Food

I'm pretty proud of that elliptical read-out! 

Weekly Update:

Exercise: Jogged for 25 min. on Monday (walked for 10), walked 25 min. during my lunch break each week day, walked around our town with Kevin for over an hour one night, and ran (is it called running?) on the elliptical for 30 min. yesterday.

Weight Loss: 178. Another pound down! I did use up my extra weekly points this week, but none of my activity points (all 27 of 'em!) - so I was thinking I would have a bigger weight loss. 


It's difficult not to be discouraged sometimes when I feel like I work really hard all week to stay within my overall points and added in 10 more activity points (walking during my lunch breaks), and only lose about a pound. True, any loss is better than no loss, or worse- a gain. So I have to hang on to the positive. 


Kevin and I were talking about this just last night: even though I want to get my weight off, I want the process to be a lifestyle change - not a boot camp diet. I've tried that - it all comes back. With more vigor in the diet, I could eat fewer calories, cut out all carbs and fruit, workout longer each night, and probably lose the weight faster. But would it last? Would I keep it off? Would I end up giving up and bingeing because it feels like deprivation? Maybe. So I will be thankful for the cookies I ate, the ice cream I had, the extra walking I did, and the one pound lost. These are habits that can last me a lifetime.


This process is about battling a lifetime of habits and food addiction. If I treat it as anything less, I will not see the results I am hoping for. Perhaps you are wondering what this food addiction looks like for me. Read on:



Frenemy. I was sitting on the couch with my husband, enjoying a Starbucks cake pop as we chatted about the day. As I am trying to lose weight, I made sure to make room in my daily calorie count for this delicious little sphere on a stick. When I plan ahead, I can enjoy such indulgences guilt free. Yet it still spiked frustration in the back of my mind as I took one small bite at a time, leaving it on the coffee table in between, yet peeking over at it every few seconds, hearing its call, much like The Stash's. It was mine to enjoy. Pre-portioned. It wasn't going to grow legs and run away from me, leaving me alone and disappointed. And yet. I stared. With all the progress I've made with my weight, I am still woefully slow in my relationship with food. I'm not talking about how much of it, and what kind, makes it down my gullet. This is the relationship that has created a dependency, an addiction, an unhealthy near-worship of empty calories that I can stuff into my gut as if I would never eat again.

Here are some things I've learned over the past few years:

Not everyone eats as much as I do naturally (we're talking about how much I'd like to eat, not how much I do eat when I'm trying to lose weight.) I used to think skinny people, or even average-weight people, ate whatever they wanted without ever gaining a pound. Not true. Once I heard a wise thought, "Watch the people who you think are at a healthy weight. Watch what and how much they eat. Pay close attention." And I have! Holy Cow was I surprised! (That was not an attempt at subversive self-deprecation.) Do you know what amazed me the most?

• they leave food on their plate when they are full (even chocolate!)
• they eat at a normal, even slow, pace
• they aren't more focused on the food than the people around
• they do not treat food as a medicine, a way of altering their mood
• they do not spend each minute of every day thinking about food

Andie Mitchell, find her blog here, wrote about her conversation with a nutritionist, after she had lost half her weight and was first facing her food addiction - not just the need to lose weight - but the need to change her relationship with food. She writes:


"I remember when I first went to see a nutritionist after having lost the big 135lbs. I was seeking support for the next phase of my journey: maintenance.

At that point in my life I felt sort of like I had trekked to the summit of Everest but had no knowledge of how to descend the mountain and return to life on the land. It was frightening to think that after all of the work I put into shedding half of myself, I might not be able to stay there for long.

After all, I had heard over and over, “Losing it is easy, keeping it off is the hard part.” Well, I agree to a large extent, but I also feel like that notion undermines the greatness of the impetus to change as well as the journey itself. But that’s another can of worms to open. I just remember feeling afraid. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life on a diet.

So my first visit was an attempt to learn the meaning of the word “balance.” To learn to stop losing and start living in my current weight. The most interesting thing she said to me was “Many people can think of at least one time in their lives when they felt at ease with food, or at least that they had an appropriate relationship with it. They probably didn’t have to think too hard about what they’d eat and how it would fuel them, they just had a trust in themselves and their hunger/fullness cues. Children are excellent examples of having a natural food intuition. They eat when they are hungry and generally stop when they are full. But you have never had what one can consider a “normal” relationship with food. For you, it seems the earliest memories still involve overeating or eating for some other reason than hunger. So then I cannot tell you to return to a place of trust with food, a state of normal eating. You have to learn that now at 21.” What a fascinating and excellent point she made. I had a lot to learn about myself.

With her help I was able to learn to trust myself. I realized that in order to live a fulfilling life in all aspects, food had to be a friend, not an enemy. When I first admitted to myself that food had been my love affair/dependency for the majority of my life, I was angry. I felt that I had to get away from it, to not let it be the focus of my mind. But as I’ve heard someone say before, “Food addiction isn’t like addiction to alcohol or drugs where you can just remove it from your life. With food, you need it to live. You have to have it everyday.” This statement only brings to light the fact that the only way through food addiction is by making peace with it. Food is just food. Chocolate cake isn’t “bad,” carrots aren’t “good,” and Bavarian cream donuts didn’t make me morbidly obese. I was the one who abused the food and gave it character."   [emphasis mine] (Read the whole story here.)



In short, this friend speaks my mind.

This is still my life. Every day. Every day I choose to eat in moderation and to not give in to each craving. And trust me, those cravings can come on so strongly at a moment's notice. Boredom. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Exhaustion. Celebration. Relaxation. Any of these can trigger a desire in me to overeat foods that my body does not want or need.

Another issue is sneakiness. When I realize that I am sneaking small bites of some treat (usually chocolate) whenever Kevin leaves the room, this is a time to step back and think. Why do I want this right now? Why do I feel the need to hide it from my husband? The answer usually involves a craving and an emotion - followed by shame.

I've sat through numerous Celebrate Recovery (a Christ-based 12-step recovery program I went through several years ago for food addiction and codependency) sessions, listening to women and men recount such experiences, though not always to do with food. It could be spending, alcohol, controlling people in their life... Treating food addiction as some stupid problem that you "just need to get over" is not going to help someone like me - someone who has a true dependency on food. [There is a rant in there about people who think that 'Fat = Lazy', but I'll save that for another post.]

Don't get me wrong, I love Boston Cream donuts, cake pops and cupcakes of any sort, ice cream, cookies, carb-loaded pasta, big 'ole bacon cheeseburgers, fries, and Chinese food. And there is NOTHING wrong with indulging in any one of these from time to time. BUT it needs to be when I plan for it and in moderation. These are the foods that often cause me to binge, so I have to be so careful about not choosing to eat them when I am only doing so to soothe an emotional craving.

So each day, each meal, I choose to eat healthily and in moderation. I choose to get up and walk around the track during my lunch break. I choose to drag my tired body to the gym to run on the treadmill next to some guy going twice as fast for twice as long. I choose to cry on my husband's shoulder when I'm discouraged or feeling sorry for myself. I choose to have faith in God's promises that He cares about everything - including my "little" food issue. I choose to tell all of you about my victories and struggles to motivate and encourage me on this journey. I choose to avoid the treat-filled teacher's lounge. I choose to keep on keeping on.