Made to Crave: Personal Reflections, Chapter #1

Personal Reflections

1. If you could personify craving based on your experience of it, what form might it take? Would it be like the little orange monster or would it take a different shape? Describe what your craving looks like and how it behaves. If you could sit down and have a conversation with this imaginary craving, what do you think it might say to you? What questions would you want to ask it? How do you imagine it might respond?

My answer: I feel like my cravings are a sneak attack; I won’t even know I’m having a craving, or feeding one, until I’m half-way through. It’s like an old friend comes to visit, I do what I always do, and only realize later on that it was an enemy the whole time. It is always so enticing and comfortable-looking. I think it, what I often call The Beast, would promise me that it could make me feel better – no matter how I’m currently feeling. If I’m celebrating, happy, sad, angry, bored – it doesn’t matter- it will make me feel better. It says, “Nicole, give in to me, and the bad thing you feel will go away. Give in to me and I will make your happiness and celebration even greater! If you don’t use me, you will regret it. If you don’t eat that food, you’ll feel deprived – and you may never get another chance to eat that particular food. You can’t handle your issue any other way; I’m the only one who can help you.” I would ask it why it never keeps those promises – why I always feel worse eventually for giving in to the temptation. I would ask it why it chooses me, when I know other girls who do not have to deal with it. To both, it would probably tell me that I just misunderstand, that my disappointment or discouragement is my fault – whether I eat or not.

2. How do you respond to the idea that God made us to crave? Have you ever pursued a craving - a longing, passion, or desire - that made a positive contribution to your life? What do you think distinguishes that kind of craving from the craving that leads you to eat in unhealthy ways?

My answer: It makes a lot of sense to me that God made me to crave. (I’m choosing to answer with “me” and not “we” or “us”, because I usually take the easy route- making it less personal and more general or universal. Just one more way I’m trying to combat this whole issue. I learned to stick with “me” and “I” in Celebrate Recovery, so I’m going to keep at it.) Most of the disciplines in my life – as in, things I started and actually finished – were like a craving, something I couldn’t quit because of obstacles. Things that ended up being positive pursuits for me: education, theatre, friendships/relationships, crocheting, learning Spanish, traveling, Kevin, baking/cooking. These kinds of cravings are under my control, instead of the other way around. That’s what makes them healthy. I’m still able to prioritize them, even leave one behind, if need be. That isn’t the case with food.

3. If it's true that we are made to crave, how might it change the way you understand your cravings? Do you believe there could be any benefits to listening to your cravings rather than trying to silence them? If so, what might those benefits be? If not, why not?

My Answer: I guess my first thought would be that both God and Satan have influence over me, which means some of my cravings wouldn’t be good or beneficial to me. I’ve never really thought about “listening to my cravings” before; it is a really interesting idea. It is true that I try to silence them, or ignore them, as I think about it, with food. Listening to them instead would be like giving myself a chance to figure out if it is a good or bad craving. From there, I can assess why I might be having that craving. I am a very introspective person, so I can usually figure out what I’m feeling and why, and yet I “medicate” with food anyway. In some ways, this seems really hard because listening to my craving, figuring out why it’s happening, also means I could do something about it – other than eat. I am not good about making sure my needs are met. I never want to be selfish or self-centered. So I try to ignore my needs most of the time, which never does anyone any good in the long run. Listening to my current craving, naming it, figuring out where it’s coming from, and then doing something about it (again, other than eat) could be so helpful to me. I have read so many things about good responses: drink a glass of water, go on a walk, call a friend, listen to music – basically, distract yourself from the unbelievable longing for food long enough for it to subside. I don’t usually try these things. I either just eat, or ignore the craving altogether- which only lasts so long. It isn’t actually dealing with it. Telling myself that I am worth taking care of, that the need I’m currently having is worth meeting, that taking time to listen to my craving and do something positive about it sounds like a really good idea to me. But talking about it now is so much easier than doing it in the moment. Not only do I want to eat in really emotional moments, but eating is also habitual for me. I don’t even have to think about it, my body just does it. 

4. The Bible describes three ways Satan tries to lure us away from loving God: cravings, lust of the eyes, and boasting (1 John 2:15-16). Lysa explains how Satan used these tactics with both Eve and Jesus. Using the list below, think back over the last twenty-four hours or the last few days to see if you recognize how you may have been tempted in similar ways.

Cravings: meeting physical desires outside the will of God. In what ways were you tempted by desires for things such as food, alcohol, drugs, or sex?

My answer: Food. Definitely food. Over the last few days I have eaten every comfort food within my reach – to the point of feeling sickly full. My stomach will feel taut to the touch. I hate that feeling. But I’ve been stressed, dealing with a lot of stuff, so I tell myself it’s okay. And sometimes, I think it is okay to comfort myself with food. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t let myself do that until I’m at a point when I have much better control of my food issues. I don’t know. But I do know that I was tempted a lot and that I gave in each time. I would find something full of sugar, fat, or salt to keep the emotions at bay. This has gone way beyond eating to fuel my body. And once I’ve “ruined” my day, I just figure I might as well “start tomorrow” and eat what I want for the rest of the day. Lovely cycle. 

Lust of the eyes: meeting material desires outside the will of God. In what ways were you tempted by desires for material things - clothing, financial portfolio, appliance, vacation plans, cosmetics, home decor, electronics, etc.?

My Answer: I really want to get some cosmetic stuff. And I know it is perfectly find for me to get a curling iron, blow dryer, flat iron, and makeup. Kevin and I budget for these kinds of things – both as needs and wants. But, I have been focusing on them (okay, obsessing) over these things the last few days to try to keep my stress even further at bay when food doesn’t seem to get the job done thoroughly enough. Even when I had alone time with Kevin (which is a positive thing I crave), I found myself on my phone or computer looking up prices of these things. Good indicator that I’m trying to avoid/ignore/silence a craving.

Boasting: meeting needs for significance outside the will of God. In what ways were you tempted by your desires to prop up your significance  - perhaps by name dropping, exaggerating, feigning humility, or other virtues, doing something just because you knew it would be observed by others, etc.?

My Answer: I am total people-pleaser and love getting those stamps of approval. This often is coupled with feelings of intense obligation to others, which can foster resentment and anger. This has grown my codependency in major ways over the years. I can say that I have made great strides in this area over the last few years, but it still very tangible in my everyday life.

Of the three kinds of temptations, which is the most difficult for you to resist? Which is the easiest to resist? Why?

My Answer: Food is the most difficult for me to resist. I think that is because it meets an immediate need without hurting anyone else (at least that is what I tell myself in the moment). Everyone has to eat, so in my mind it won’t send up any red flags for anyone else. Though, I do tend to start hiding and sneaking food when I know I am giving in to a craving and don’t want to be talked out of it or judged by anyone – even if that is all in my head. Material things is easiest for me to resist because I have what I need; when I want something else, Kevin and I save up for it and I can have it. 

5. Jesus quotes the truth of Scripture to defeat temptation. Have you ever used Scripture in this way? What was the result?  How do you feel about the idea of using this approach to address your unhealthy eating patterns?

My Answer: The only experience I have with using Scripture in this way is when I have nightmares. My mom taught me, when I was very little, to repeat the following whenever I woke up from a bad dream and was very scared, “The blood of Jesus Christ washes over me, and Satan has no power here.” It wasn’t a direct quotation of Scripture, but it was calling on the power of Christ and the truths of the Bible. To this day, it never fails to protect me through the rest of the night. In some ways, I love the idea of quoting Scripture to combat unhealthy cravings and eating patterns, but in another way, I’m afraid it will work and that I will have to miss out on food. Isn’t that crazy? I love food so much. I love making food. Cooking and baking are some of my favorite pastimes. I’m good at it! Kevin loves it. It can be very therapeutic. And I have to eat – I have to cook for my household. That makes it so hard! This is one of my strongest arguments. Nonetheless, if I am serious about making permanent changes, I have to be willing to do anything, right? Especially when my gut tells me it is a good thing that will actually help me. Making my food issues, my health, about God instead of about me sounds so refreshing.

So tell me: How would you answer these questions? What thoughts are spurred by this? Do any of my answers resonate with you? Do you have any questions for me?

**All questions were quoted directly from the book: Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire With God, Not Food by Lysa Terkeurst; the answers are my own.**

Weekly Update, and the 4th

Weekly Update


Exercise: Umm... didn't happen.


Weight Loss: No idea. Didn't check. (Probably a good thing...)


Victories/Struggles: Well...

• I felt fat for a few days
• I felt bloated most of the week
• I ate lots of junk
• I actually don't feel too terribly bad about it, because
• Because there are more important things sometimes
• I spent time with friends, family, and kept my house clean
• I am feeling (again) like I can't reach my weight goal

I don't have the results I want. I can't seem to really stick to anything. As my husband so wisely points out, I have to have motives that will last me through the whole process; the good times, the bad times, the hard times, the easy times. I'm thinking about a Dickens novel... "It was the best of times and the worst of times..." Anyway...

I'm not super happy at size 14 (pants) and 180 pounds, give or take a few depending on the week.

When I'm really on it, I'm working out three times a week for about an hour at a time. I even have a gym membership, remember? Paid in full through August, even if the budget tightens later on...

And that Weight Loss Competition? Oi. 

I don't know, you guys. Why is this so hard?

I feel like Eeyore. He was pleasantly rotund. Well, not pleasantly, I suppose.

Today has been a good eating day so far. That's something, right? And the 4th is tomorrow... Burgers. BURGERS!!! Chips. CHIPS!!! Oi.

I don't want to make some proclamation about getting through yet another holiday without falling off the wagon. I'll be too disappointed when it doesn't happen. I get to be with my parents, my in-laws, neighbors, friends, and one of my beautiful little nieces (from Oregon) who isn't so little anymore. That's more important than a pant size in the long run.

But I can't ignore the fact that I have indeed felt a calling to be healthy, to treat my body as a temple, to battle food addiction, turning to God instead of food. My resolve does not hold up to temptation most days. Novelty, excitement, new goals, that can last for a while - but never long enough.

Come on, God.

Let's be honest, He's here. 

So, come on, Nicole.

Oi. Today is an Oi day. 

Oi.

So tell me: How do you keep going? How do you keep up your resolve?

And, HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!! (A day early). Despite my current Oi-ness, I am a thankful American, joyfully celebrating this nation and the God who has blessed it so abundantly. And fireworks make me so happy! Pretty colors!!!

I'm Afraid.

Next Thursday, one week from now, my husband and I will load up all of our belongings, which I think we still see as "mine" and "his" since we have received or purchased very few things together in the last six months, and will move to our new home in Washington. We will be living in a very nice apartment... built over his parent's garage. Yes, I'm moving in with my in-laws. We love both our families so much, but have also loved our freedom and independence in our current apartment.

That is all about to change.

We are leaving our first home together. This was my first home away from my parent's! This loss has been a long time coming, but it is so different in reality than the anticipation.

God has blessed us richly with a place to live that will allow us to get our feet under us financially as we start this life together. That is worth all the hardships and obstacles. I am willing to be inconvenienced to take full of advantage of God's gifts.

That said, I am a whiner baby sometimes. Kevin is really the only one who gets to see that. And, really, I think that's best. Poor guy. :)

But I'll be honest with you: I like to be in full control. I like to control my surroundings. My unhealthy relationship with food was and is about control. It is a coping mechanism that I formed due to my lack of control of situations around me when I was younger. I allowed food to fill voids in my life. Textbook stuff, but harmful nonetheless.

With all of these changes happening, I find the desire to control something. I am part of a unit with my husband, so sometimes, food is the only thing I have FULL control of as an individual. I control what goes in my mouth and what doesn't. That is power. Unfortunately, that food also has power over me. And it is exerting its power at every turn as I attempt to let go of control and trust God with my life, which is yoked to my husband's.

Food is how I cope. Food is something I can depend on. I can count on food making me feel better, even if only for a moment.

And I am feeling that urge to give in to the Power of Food with all of this change happening in my life. I don't want to deal with my food addiction every day. I want to pretend that I "got over" that. It's not something I will get over; it will, it is, something I have to deal with every single day. If I don't control my relationship with food, it will control me. But it is not within me to do this alone. I have to give up some control to get help at times.

Let's be totally honest, I am still learning to give up control to my husband! And he to me! That is really hard! We no longer make our own schedules independent of anyone else. Everything we do, every word we say, every action we take affects the other - that is a lot of responsibility - and sometimes it can feel like a burden!

It reminds me so much of my relationship with food and weight. Letting go of control, admitting I need help and can't battle food on my own, was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It felt like a burden. But I knew, I know, that if I let God do His work that it would be a worthwhile burden leading to health and freedom. When I let my husband help me, it is freeing and empowering.

That is what marriage is to me. And change, too. Together Kevin and I are making choices to better our lives and put God and our marriage above all else. It feels like a burden when all we want to do is have fun and not do the hard work that has to be done. I just want to skip all the icky hard parts and go straight to the fun stuff. That's when I turn to food. That's when I want to cope in unhealthy ways.

Another unhealthy way that I cope is through codependency. You have no idea. Or maybe you do. But when Kevin and I make decisions together, I so badly want to check with all "my people" to make sure it's a good decision. I completely trust God and my husband! And we talk about EVERYTHING!!! We are so honest with each other. And we put each other first.

And yet.

I have been a people pleaser my whole life. So whenever I would do ANYTHING, I would make sure all the people in my life said it was "okay". I would basically ask permission from them before I did anything. If they didn't approve, I felt horrible. I would change my life to make sure all those people were happy. Friends, family, teachers, bosses... And then I would become so angry and resentful at them for trying to control me - but I was teaching them to do it! I was letting them have power over me! I'm not saying that there aren't times when people do try to control me, that does happen and it isn't right, but I am the one who allows them that control.

Even now, as a grown, married woman - my first instinct is to get those same people's approval and acceptance. If they didn't like what I was doing, if I would MAKE ANYBODY MAD AT ME, then my behavior would have to change. Right? Well, not really. Not so right. These are long-standing habits that need to be broken.

[Now, I'm not going to go into all the history of how I started as a child with all of this - codependency and food addiction, all the causes and whatnot, this just isn't the place for that. But I can tell you that there are reasons. And I do deal with them. I verbalize them and I deal with them.]

Do you know what? It is hurtful to my husband when I bring other people into our decisions. He doesn't say it that way, but I know it's true. Even if I only bring them in emotionally and mentally, I am still allowing other people to affect what he and I do. I get mad at those people for "doing" that, but really, it is me allowing it to affect me. Even if someone did get upset about our decisions, that's okay for them to feel that way, but I'm the one who decides whether or not their emotions and feelings will affect me. The way they express their emotions and feelings may not be appropriate, but how it affects me is still under my control. My actions may not even change, but sometimes the effect is that I fall apart emotionally. That is hard for me and my husband.

For far too long I have lived in a prison of fear. Fear that I will make someone mad. Fear that I will not be accepted. Fear that I will not gain others' approval.

I'm even afraid of getting to my goal weight.

I think that's the first time I've written that out.


I'm afraid that the people who knew me as fat won't accept me as thin.

I'm afraid that I don't deserve to be thin and healthy if other people aren't.

I'm afraid that the people who knew me as single won't accept me as married.

I'm afraid that the people who knew me as a people pleaser won't accept me for a strong woman who puts her husband before all others - including them.

I'm afraid that I won't get the support, love, and encouragement I need.

I'm afraid people will look down on me.

I'm afraid that others won't approve of our decisions.

I'm afraid that people won't support my desire to be the kind of wife I want to be.

I'm afraid that I will never be able to control food.

I'm afraid that I will surpass my highest weight.

I'm afraid.

So I try not to make people mad. And when they do, I allow that to really, really affect me. I fall apart. And then I resent them.

I get mad at people who have no idea I'm mad. This has happened so many times in my life. When I am honest, when I talk to them about it, it has nearly always gotten resolved. In fact, it usually leads to a much healthier relationship on both ends. When I create and keep healthy boundaries in my relationships, I am so much happier and feel so much better. I know that this is true. But I am still afraid.

This is real, folks. This is real for me today. This is not the freedom that comes from living in God's will through his mercy and grace. This is bondage brought on by fear from believing in Satan's lies. I believe that with my whole heart.

This is not who I want to be or how I want to live my life. The truth is, I get to choose who is in my life. And I have the right to be picky. I don't have to allow people to hurt me.

I have to believe that I am worth protecting, that I am worth more than that, that I don't deserve poor treatment. And that can be the hardest part. I still have mental blocks built up in my head that tell me that I deserve to be hurt, that I'm not worth standing up for or being treated better.

And that is just plain not true.

I deserve to be picky about which people influence and affect me. I am worth choosing people who uplift and support me. And they deserve for me to be honest about how I feel, about what I need. They are worth me not being affect by things they didn't do in the first place.

You know what else? I a worth doing the hard, hard work needed to be the healthiest me possible. I deserve to reach my goals. When I picture a thin version of Nicole, I don't even believe I can do that- or that I deserve that. How ridiculous is that??? I do deserve to have dreams and passions and go after them. I am worth that. I am!

Now I need to act like I believe all of this is true. Putting words into actions. That's the hardest part.


So tell me: Can you relate? How do you handle issues like this?

A Little Blog-spiration

I did a little digging.

Out there, in the Blog Garden, I found a few ripe for the picking.

As I can certainly attest to, reading a real person's struggles similar to mine reminds me that I'm not alone in this. Whatever this is.

The following blogs caught my attention, spurred some inspiration, and therefore I decided to pass them along:


Can You Stay For Dinner?

www.canyoustayfordinner.com

The reason I love this blog is... because she has loved herself at every size. You have probably seen a referece to her blog before. I love her. I think she is wonderful. Her writing style is fantastic, her food photos make me drool, her journey and place in life are very similar to my own, and she has a great love of food - despite her previous obesity. Her blog is one of the first I discovered in the Blog Garden of Weight Loss. Her book comes out next year. I am so pre-ordering that memoir!


Escape Frome Obesity

http://www.escapefromobesity.net/

  

The reason I love this blog is... because she made a very difficult change in her already very busy life. And, she has gained back some of her lost weight - which I can also relate to. When I first started losing weight, I was working part time, living at home, and losing weight was my 'real' job. Now, I am so busy with life and have to make my health a priority; it isn't convenient much of the time. This woman did just that; and as a mom, no less! Her honesty and perseverance inspire me to keep going.


The Token Fat Girl: Seeking a Bigger Life in a Smaller Body



http://www.myallnaturalweightloss.com/



The reason I love this blog is... because she's not at her goal weight. She hasn't ever reached her goal weight. She's still on the journey. As am I. And what a long journey it can be. In her words, "The Token Fat Girl is a melting pot of food, fashion and fitness. I've struggled with being overweight or obese my entire life and while I don't agree that I can be obese and healthy, I do believe that it shouldn't stop me from living a pretty decent life." She has a recent post about caring too much about what others think and how that can stop her from doing the things she really wants to do. Wow, that sounds so familiar! Preach it, Sister!

The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl!


http://www.dietgirl.org/dietgirl/

 
The reason I love this blog is... because she addresses her relationship with food in a way that resonates with my story. As she put it, "Food has never just been food for me - it's been an escape from the world; a comfort and a coping mechanism. It's taken me a long time but I'm finally understanding my relationship with food and I've developed a healthier attitude to both my body and the way I eat." This is what I'm striving for! Also, she wrote a book - I'd like to read it!


Fit to the Finish: 150 Pounds Gone Forever


http://www.fittothefinish.com/





The reason I love this blog is... because she has kept off the weight for over thirteen years and through three pregnancies. One of my fears is that I will reach my goal weight and won't be able to maintain it. Her story is indeed inspirational. A mom to seven! One thing I noticed, however, is that she is pretty hard on herself in her "before" pictures. Her captions paint a picture of self-loathing. Making cookies isn't a bad thing. Making them all the time might be; but I hope to find a balance between maintainence and moderation. Nevertheless, this Dr. Oz featured lady has great advice and offers hope for success! In fact, she now teaches others how to lose weight and get healthy. If the opportunity arose, I think I would be a good weight-loss coach/teacher/counselor. Pipe dream, perhaps.


The World According to Bitch Cakes

http://abitchcakesworld.blogspot.com/

The reason I love this blog is... because she is funny and excentric. This blog, Explicit Content warning, details a self-titled Glamour Girl who spends most of her days riding around New York City on her pink bicycle showing off her tattoos (which she hates, check out her blog for her reasons) in skirts, high heels, and a pink boustier. She joined Weight Watchers years back and has documented her journey in full color and with loads of personality. I can't relate to her at all! - Except for her desire to be healthy. She's vegan, wears skirts on a bike, swears, is covered in tattoos, and wears red lipstick - and she has lost weight, which she has thus far kept off. You go, Girl!






I do not know any of these women personally, but I know their struggle. In that, we are kindred spirits. Their words and photos inspire me. Their vision for success, their willingness to push through tremendous obstacles, their fire and passion to be themselves - in one way or another they all tell a piece of my own story.

So go check them out and let me know what you think!


So tell me: What great blogs are you reading? Pass them along!

Spilled Milk or Lost Point

i.e. Things you aren't supposed to cry over.

But I am! Well, over the lost point, that is. The Weight Watchers Points Plus system decides your daily points based on your current height and weight. For several weeks my daily points was at 28. When I put in my newest loss, down to 178, my daily intake went down one point to 27. This may not seem like a lot, but for me, it is! Staying within the 28 was hard enough!

That number used to be 28. :-(

Really, the bigger issue is when I look ahead to my goal weight. How in the world will I manage with as few as 20 points? Okay, I don't actually know how low the daily points go, though I'm pretty sure there is a minimum amount that will not go any lower.

The point is, I like food. A lot. Obviously, this has caused issues for me. I work to conquer these issues daily. Part of how I do that is try to be creative with the amount of food I am allotted each day. Sure, Weight Watchers is a program, and I could be basing my weight loss on a calorie count instead. It is just a different set of lingo. But it is a struggle to eat only 28 points worth. It is doable, however.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty bummed about my lost point. I use every single point during the day. Each point gives me another option, room for creativity and variety. That didn't disappear with one fewer point, but it felt a little painful when I saw that number go down after I entered my new weight. (Note the irony that the girl who lost a pound is sad about the lost point, rather than elated about the lower weight. Hmm.)

The day went on, I ran my errands, I ate my packed lunch. I stayed within my 27 points, and... drum roll please... I DIDN'T DIE! Shock of all shocks, I was alive and well and not even hungry. My meals were spaced out, I drank plenty of water, and I ate my dinner very slowly (for me, that is). It was amazing.

As I sat at the table with my husband and two of our friends, I realized that even though I had 3 points left for dessert, and had planned on using them, I wasn't really hungry. My dinner was filling and satisfying. I decided to eat the two Oreos anyway, grateful for the leftover points, but did not feel it was necessary. It was extra. It was a gift. There was no guilt or feeling of desperation. And no sneaking either.

So, yes, it saddens me a little to think that I will be allowed fewer and fewer extras throughout my day as I lose weight, but I also know that my body will thrive when I put into it ONLY what it needs and nothing more. Food is fuel. Food is fuel. Food is fuel. Only put in as much as my body needs. (Why is this concept so hard for my brain to remember?)

While I pondered this yesterday, it brought to mind some of my old habits. Food really was the center of my life. (Still is, but differently.) I remember stopping by Dairy Queen to pick up an order of Popcorn Shrimp and a medium Chocolate Xtreme Blizzard with added cookie dough (because large would be excessive), and eating it as quickly as possible as I drove home, often burning my tongue on the shrimp. If there was still some left, I would eat it in the driveway while in my car and dispose of the garbage outside before going in. Heaven forbid either of my parents or a stray niece would see the all-telling paper bag.

This happened far too often. Did I think my weight and eating disorder went unnoticed? No, but I was in denial. I was just fine. I didn't need any help. No wonder my emotions dipped as soon as the computer told me I will have to eat just a little bit less from now on. If this were just a diet, not a lifestyle change, that dip in daily calories would be temporary and less depressing. These changes are for good. The stakes are higher. Thankfully, so is my resolve (and support!).

This process is hard, people! For those of you out there who are working diligently toward a goal, any goal, I salute you! Keep at it! I understand! You are not alone!



P.S. - I ate those Oreos slowly. Savored each one. It was wonderful. :) See? I still love food.

Weekly Update, and My Frenemy: Food

I'm pretty proud of that elliptical read-out! 

Weekly Update:

Exercise: Jogged for 25 min. on Monday (walked for 10), walked 25 min. during my lunch break each week day, walked around our town with Kevin for over an hour one night, and ran (is it called running?) on the elliptical for 30 min. yesterday.

Weight Loss: 178. Another pound down! I did use up my extra weekly points this week, but none of my activity points (all 27 of 'em!) - so I was thinking I would have a bigger weight loss. 


It's difficult not to be discouraged sometimes when I feel like I work really hard all week to stay within my overall points and added in 10 more activity points (walking during my lunch breaks), and only lose about a pound. True, any loss is better than no loss, or worse- a gain. So I have to hang on to the positive. 


Kevin and I were talking about this just last night: even though I want to get my weight off, I want the process to be a lifestyle change - not a boot camp diet. I've tried that - it all comes back. With more vigor in the diet, I could eat fewer calories, cut out all carbs and fruit, workout longer each night, and probably lose the weight faster. But would it last? Would I keep it off? Would I end up giving up and bingeing because it feels like deprivation? Maybe. So I will be thankful for the cookies I ate, the ice cream I had, the extra walking I did, and the one pound lost. These are habits that can last me a lifetime.


This process is about battling a lifetime of habits and food addiction. If I treat it as anything less, I will not see the results I am hoping for. Perhaps you are wondering what this food addiction looks like for me. Read on:



Frenemy. I was sitting on the couch with my husband, enjoying a Starbucks cake pop as we chatted about the day. As I am trying to lose weight, I made sure to make room in my daily calorie count for this delicious little sphere on a stick. When I plan ahead, I can enjoy such indulgences guilt free. Yet it still spiked frustration in the back of my mind as I took one small bite at a time, leaving it on the coffee table in between, yet peeking over at it every few seconds, hearing its call, much like The Stash's. It was mine to enjoy. Pre-portioned. It wasn't going to grow legs and run away from me, leaving me alone and disappointed. And yet. I stared. With all the progress I've made with my weight, I am still woefully slow in my relationship with food. I'm not talking about how much of it, and what kind, makes it down my gullet. This is the relationship that has created a dependency, an addiction, an unhealthy near-worship of empty calories that I can stuff into my gut as if I would never eat again.

Here are some things I've learned over the past few years:

Not everyone eats as much as I do naturally (we're talking about how much I'd like to eat, not how much I do eat when I'm trying to lose weight.) I used to think skinny people, or even average-weight people, ate whatever they wanted without ever gaining a pound. Not true. Once I heard a wise thought, "Watch the people who you think are at a healthy weight. Watch what and how much they eat. Pay close attention." And I have! Holy Cow was I surprised! (That was not an attempt at subversive self-deprecation.) Do you know what amazed me the most?

• they leave food on their plate when they are full (even chocolate!)
• they eat at a normal, even slow, pace
• they aren't more focused on the food than the people around
• they do not treat food as a medicine, a way of altering their mood
• they do not spend each minute of every day thinking about food

Andie Mitchell, find her blog here, wrote about her conversation with a nutritionist, after she had lost half her weight and was first facing her food addiction - not just the need to lose weight - but the need to change her relationship with food. She writes:


"I remember when I first went to see a nutritionist after having lost the big 135lbs. I was seeking support for the next phase of my journey: maintenance.

At that point in my life I felt sort of like I had trekked to the summit of Everest but had no knowledge of how to descend the mountain and return to life on the land. It was frightening to think that after all of the work I put into shedding half of myself, I might not be able to stay there for long.

After all, I had heard over and over, “Losing it is easy, keeping it off is the hard part.” Well, I agree to a large extent, but I also feel like that notion undermines the greatness of the impetus to change as well as the journey itself. But that’s another can of worms to open. I just remember feeling afraid. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life on a diet.

So my first visit was an attempt to learn the meaning of the word “balance.” To learn to stop losing and start living in my current weight. The most interesting thing she said to me was “Many people can think of at least one time in their lives when they felt at ease with food, or at least that they had an appropriate relationship with it. They probably didn’t have to think too hard about what they’d eat and how it would fuel them, they just had a trust in themselves and their hunger/fullness cues. Children are excellent examples of having a natural food intuition. They eat when they are hungry and generally stop when they are full. But you have never had what one can consider a “normal” relationship with food. For you, it seems the earliest memories still involve overeating or eating for some other reason than hunger. So then I cannot tell you to return to a place of trust with food, a state of normal eating. You have to learn that now at 21.” What a fascinating and excellent point she made. I had a lot to learn about myself.

With her help I was able to learn to trust myself. I realized that in order to live a fulfilling life in all aspects, food had to be a friend, not an enemy. When I first admitted to myself that food had been my love affair/dependency for the majority of my life, I was angry. I felt that I had to get away from it, to not let it be the focus of my mind. But as I’ve heard someone say before, “Food addiction isn’t like addiction to alcohol or drugs where you can just remove it from your life. With food, you need it to live. You have to have it everyday.” This statement only brings to light the fact that the only way through food addiction is by making peace with it. Food is just food. Chocolate cake isn’t “bad,” carrots aren’t “good,” and Bavarian cream donuts didn’t make me morbidly obese. I was the one who abused the food and gave it character."   [emphasis mine] (Read the whole story here.)



In short, this friend speaks my mind.

This is still my life. Every day. Every day I choose to eat in moderation and to not give in to each craving. And trust me, those cravings can come on so strongly at a moment's notice. Boredom. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Exhaustion. Celebration. Relaxation. Any of these can trigger a desire in me to overeat foods that my body does not want or need.

Another issue is sneakiness. When I realize that I am sneaking small bites of some treat (usually chocolate) whenever Kevin leaves the room, this is a time to step back and think. Why do I want this right now? Why do I feel the need to hide it from my husband? The answer usually involves a craving and an emotion - followed by shame.

I've sat through numerous Celebrate Recovery (a Christ-based 12-step recovery program I went through several years ago for food addiction and codependency) sessions, listening to women and men recount such experiences, though not always to do with food. It could be spending, alcohol, controlling people in their life... Treating food addiction as some stupid problem that you "just need to get over" is not going to help someone like me - someone who has a true dependency on food. [There is a rant in there about people who think that 'Fat = Lazy', but I'll save that for another post.]

Don't get me wrong, I love Boston Cream donuts, cake pops and cupcakes of any sort, ice cream, cookies, carb-loaded pasta, big 'ole bacon cheeseburgers, fries, and Chinese food. And there is NOTHING wrong with indulging in any one of these from time to time. BUT it needs to be when I plan for it and in moderation. These are the foods that often cause me to binge, so I have to be so careful about not choosing to eat them when I am only doing so to soothe an emotional craving.

So each day, each meal, I choose to eat healthily and in moderation. I choose to get up and walk around the track during my lunch break. I choose to drag my tired body to the gym to run on the treadmill next to some guy going twice as fast for twice as long. I choose to cry on my husband's shoulder when I'm discouraged or feeling sorry for myself. I choose to have faith in God's promises that He cares about everything - including my "little" food issue. I choose to tell all of you about my victories and struggles to motivate and encourage me on this journey. I choose to avoid the treat-filled teacher's lounge. I choose to keep on keeping on.

But I DESERVE It!!!



Ah, the choices in life.


Those of you who know me know that I like things to be fair, balanced. Justice is important. As long as I get to determine what 'justice' means, of course. This is no different in the battle with food. If I have had a particularly long, difficult day, then I deserve chocolate and potato chips. If I am extra hormonal and emotional, then I deserve cookies and ice cream. If it happens to be a Thursday, then I deserve Chinese food followed by a slice of cake. Or two.


It doesn't help that food calls to me. I'm not kidding! After Kevin and I had been dating for a while, I started making meals at his (now our) apartment. That was when I discovered The Stash. On the bottom two shelves of his pantry, there were TONS of cookies, candies, chips... Of course, he forgot that they were there. I do not have that luxury. As soon as I knew they were there, they called to me every time I was at or going to be at his apartment. "Nicole, Nicole... We are so tasty and will make your problems go away... Just take a bite, it won't hurt you!" Maybe I understand Eve's dilemma with that damn apple.


The Stash was yelling at me a couple nights ago. Yes, it's still there. Work was difficult the last three days, I was feeling a rush of hormones, I was agitated about having to be an adult on my two days off instead of sitting on the couch like I wanted to - and so I told myself on the drive home that I deserved to break into The Stash and eat as much as I could as quickly as possible. Gosh, it sounds so terrible when I write out what I was truly thinking and feeling!


I am happy to report that I did not scarf down the last four cake pops on the counter or a package of Peanut Butter Cups from the pantry. I drank a cup of tea, ate my already-tracked (I'll talk more about tracking later, i.e. Weight Watchers) yogurt, and ate a banana when the yogurt wasn't cuttin' it. (On the current WW plan, most fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means I can eat as many as I want during the day, within reason, of course.) I even went to the gym with Kevin like we'd planned, even though I REALLY didn't feel like going. My speed never got above 3 mph, and I only walked for 20 minutes, but it was something! (Here is where I add that the guy running at 6.6 mph next to me - before and after I got there - was really pissing me off. Show off. ;-) )


That Stash. Love/hate relationship. Every time I hear its call and choose the healthier option, I count it as a success. A HUGE success. As a food addict, choosing to see food as fuel rather than medicine is an hourly battle. As a believer, choosing to see my body as a gift from God, a temple to be cared for, is not so easy when cravings (emotional and physical) are louder than any logic or willpower I may possess.


A recovering food addict spoke at my church several months ago. She has come to define her sobriety as abstaining from binging on food and eating until she is satisfied, not full, which she had accomplished for more than a year. I hope to claim the same victory one day.


Here's to defeating battles - even when we tell ourselves that the battle is so ridiculous, and we shouldn't have the problem in the first place! I pray God gives us each the strength and perseverance to push through. He is faithful to his promises. Will I be to mine?




So tell me: What foods or situations do you struggle with? What are your battles?