But I DESERVE It!!!



Ah, the choices in life.


Those of you who know me know that I like things to be fair, balanced. Justice is important. As long as I get to determine what 'justice' means, of course. This is no different in the battle with food. If I have had a particularly long, difficult day, then I deserve chocolate and potato chips. If I am extra hormonal and emotional, then I deserve cookies and ice cream. If it happens to be a Thursday, then I deserve Chinese food followed by a slice of cake. Or two.


It doesn't help that food calls to me. I'm not kidding! After Kevin and I had been dating for a while, I started making meals at his (now our) apartment. That was when I discovered The Stash. On the bottom two shelves of his pantry, there were TONS of cookies, candies, chips... Of course, he forgot that they were there. I do not have that luxury. As soon as I knew they were there, they called to me every time I was at or going to be at his apartment. "Nicole, Nicole... We are so tasty and will make your problems go away... Just take a bite, it won't hurt you!" Maybe I understand Eve's dilemma with that damn apple.


The Stash was yelling at me a couple nights ago. Yes, it's still there. Work was difficult the last three days, I was feeling a rush of hormones, I was agitated about having to be an adult on my two days off instead of sitting on the couch like I wanted to - and so I told myself on the drive home that I deserved to break into The Stash and eat as much as I could as quickly as possible. Gosh, it sounds so terrible when I write out what I was truly thinking and feeling!


I am happy to report that I did not scarf down the last four cake pops on the counter or a package of Peanut Butter Cups from the pantry. I drank a cup of tea, ate my already-tracked (I'll talk more about tracking later, i.e. Weight Watchers) yogurt, and ate a banana when the yogurt wasn't cuttin' it. (On the current WW plan, most fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means I can eat as many as I want during the day, within reason, of course.) I even went to the gym with Kevin like we'd planned, even though I REALLY didn't feel like going. My speed never got above 3 mph, and I only walked for 20 minutes, but it was something! (Here is where I add that the guy running at 6.6 mph next to me - before and after I got there - was really pissing me off. Show off. ;-) )


That Stash. Love/hate relationship. Every time I hear its call and choose the healthier option, I count it as a success. A HUGE success. As a food addict, choosing to see food as fuel rather than medicine is an hourly battle. As a believer, choosing to see my body as a gift from God, a temple to be cared for, is not so easy when cravings (emotional and physical) are louder than any logic or willpower I may possess.


A recovering food addict spoke at my church several months ago. She has come to define her sobriety as abstaining from binging on food and eating until she is satisfied, not full, which she had accomplished for more than a year. I hope to claim the same victory one day.


Here's to defeating battles - even when we tell ourselves that the battle is so ridiculous, and we shouldn't have the problem in the first place! I pray God gives us each the strength and perseverance to push through. He is faithful to his promises. Will I be to mine?




So tell me: What foods or situations do you struggle with? What are your battles?