MacDuff, with a Side of Truth.

MacDuff.



A little over two weeks between photos.

If you stay focused on the cute dog, maybe you won't notice my words of confession. I want to call them words of failure, but that just isn't true. I like to think that I fail whenever I dissapoint myself. The truth is, the Enemy lies. He puts thoughts in my head, or amplifies ones I conjure up, about my worth. My failures. My fears. My insecurities.

He was screaming at me last night.

He's just over 8 weeks.

He was aware that Kevin and I had a stupid argument. One of those arguments that you're not sure why is started, how it escalated so fast, and why you're still so angry - for no reason at all. One of those that I hold onto, keep pushing, being stubborn as all get out - just so I don't have to admit when I've done something wrong - like continuing to argue even though we solved the problem.

The thoughts in my head were of failure. My insecurities as a wife, as a woman. My fears of failure.

He posed for me on this pillow. I didn't even have to put him there.

So I ate.

Sour Patch Kids. Frosting. Cookie dough. Ricecake snacks. Dark chocolate.

And I didn't go do the workout I had planned.

And I cried. And hated myself. And feared the future. And wondered about why we humans work so hard for a world that continues to push us down.

I just love our little Shnoodle. (Shnauzer/Poodle)

Then my husband talked me down. As he so often does.

And I talked. A lot.

And cried some more.

And realized that I haven't really, truly given weight loss my everything the last four months. I give up every few steps, or at least I step backward.

If I don't really, truly try, I can't fail.

There's the rub. The truth. The fear. The insecurity. There it is: I don't want to fail.

I don't want to let anyone down. Not my husband, family, friends, strangers, God. I don't want to fail.

He's learning to fetch, scratch at the door to "go potty outside", stay in his kennel without crying until we get him out, eat/drink on a schedule. We are learning how to have patience, with some more patience, and then add some patience for good measure.

So, I say to Fear and Failure: SCREW YOU GUYS! I know what I'm capable of! I know I can accomplish what I put my mind to! You will not hold me back! Your lies and threats will not keep me from reaching my goals. This Weight Loss Competition could not come at a better time. I am going to give this my all.

It is scary. It is difficult. In fact, it seems impossible.

I'll just have to prove myself wrong, won't I?

I'll be totally honest here, I could use some encouragement! So keep it coming! Each comment gives me joy and hope!

Love to you all,

Nicole

So tell me: What do you love that is worth sacrificing for? What goals are you willing to reach no matter what?

50th Post!!!

As a way of celebrating my 50th post (wow!), I want to thank those of you who continue to read my words. It is beyond encouraging to get a note in some fashion expressing your interest in what I'm trying to do. (And I will always love more! Keep those comments coming!)


Interestingly enough, I wasn't really starting a "weight loss" blog. I knew that would come into play, obviously, but I didn't think it would be my main focus. In fact, I hadn't really thought about how much that truly is my main focus. It is what I continue to find time for despite everything else in my life. Health has never been so important to me.


When I read other's stories, when I hear words of encouragement, it is inspirational and I am so grateful. This is hard work we are doing. No matter your situation in life, no matter your current health status, this culture, this world we're in, does not promote health or discipline. The easier the better, right? WRONG.


One of my favorite blogs, CanYouStayForDinner.com, has been unknowingly expressing my thoughts on dieting and weight loss as of late. Well, all of her writing could fall into this category, but especially the last week or so.


Weight loss is hard.


Focusing on health is hard.


Anything requiring discipline is hard.


To quote Andie from Can You Stay For Dinner:


"[W]hen I browse magazines and bookshelves at Barnes and Noble, I naturally find myself drawn to the health sections. There, I see headings with words like easy, simple, and fast. Three words which weight loss will never be. I see meals plans that promise ‘no deprivation,’ ‘still indulge!,’ and ‘never feel hungry.’ I see promises and assurances about losing weight that only make me, someone who has lost half of herself, think:



It’s honestly none of those things. It’s never easy, simple, or fast. Deprivation, that resentful feeling of not being able to indulge, and hunger pangs- they exist. Not always, but yes, sometimes."


Read more here.


Remembering this truth reminds me to grit my teeth and push through the hard times.


The times when I really want chocolate. By the handful.


The times when I am overwhelmed and stressed.


The times when I'm bored.


The times when I'm sad or frustrated or joyful.


The times when it is REALLY FREAKIN' INCONVENIENT to eat well.


It also reminds me to be so utterly thankful for all the amazing people in my life, in person or not, who spur me on - encourage me to keep going. Whether by example or words, your support gives me the strength to keep at this battle. Well, you, God, and dried apricots. (Such a life saver when I'm craving something sweet and candy-ish. Well, it's not actually a Life Saver... Anyway...)


So, [not] in short,

Thank you!

Thank you!

THANK YOU!!!

If I could feesibly give a gift to each one of you, I totally would. Instead, I will keep giving you my words of wisdom. Ha. Wisdom, that's funny.


How about a picture of my really cute puppy, MacDuff?

And here is a link to a CD I recorded on for my friend, Nate. You can hear me on the tracks "Your Will", "I Want Jesus to Walk with Me", and "I'm Gonna Live So God Can Use Me". It was so much fun!


So tell me: What would you like to see me write about? Any topics you would like me to touch on more?

And, again, Thank you!!

Moving: In The Moment

So you may not know this, but my husband and I (and puppy MacDuff, of course) are moving in June. Just under six weeks, to be exact.

Moving requires work. Did you know that?

I was thinking I could snap my fingers, or sprinkle some fairy dust, and the packing and logistics would all take care of themselves.

Not so.

In fact, we must do that ourselves. Boo.

This is when I blow through my lips making horse-like noises. Try not to picture it. Not pretty. Spit everywhere.

Remember how I make lists? Well, this moving business just adds to my insatiable need to make lists. And lists. And some more lists.

And then ignore them completely when the stress of it all becomes overwhelming.

You see, my husband's simple suggestion that we start organizing/packing this week, so as to spread the work out over six weeks, turned into a near-breakdown for me.

  All of a sudden, I was imagining myself on one of those spinning playground discs, holding onto one of the upside-down-U-bars, watching the tasks of life whiz around my head: dog, work, cooking, cleaning, husband, exercise, errands, church, family, friends, getting a job - and then "packing" got unceremoniously thrown in by the hubs. His thought was not only innocent, but trying to think practically to make our lives simpler in the coming weeks. (How silly men can be.)

And yet. I very nearly fell apart. Over the phone. (Am I the only one who struggles with anything important being talked about over the phone? Yes? Okay. Nevermind then, I was just kidding...)

The thing is, I have a really hard time being in the moment. You know what I mean? I am either dwelling on the past or worrying about focused on the future.

Then, the other night at home, I noticed something: When I am on the floor playing with my almost-8-week-old pup, MacDuff, the world stops. It's just him, me, and his little red toy. (Which we are desperately trying to get him to chew instead of our fingers - especially since his sharp little puppy teeth are now coming in.)

I wrestle him around, carefully - he's very small, he growls his toughest puppy growl, and I delight in him. When I have human children someday, and yes, I am thereby saying my MacDuff is my non-human child, I imagine this feeling will be similar. (Strangely enough, this same feeling happens when I play video games with my husband.)

I am in charge of this little guy when I'm with him. He's so small that he could very easily get hurt, or worse, pee on the carpet, when I'm not looking. He requires constant attention. And I gladly give it to him. He is a lot of work. Don't be misled - puppies are A LOT of work. But it is rewarding work. I see him learning, discovering, and it fascinates me. It enthralls me. I have no thoughts of past or future, or anything other than the black little furball scurrying around my floor tripping over his own feet. Well, paws.

I could be worrying about how potty training might scale back a few steps once we move. I could be thinking about that cute DIY vintage suitcase puppy bed I saw on Pinterest. I could be wondering about our finances, asking myself how we will pay for all his puppy needs when I haven't landed a job yet. I could focus on how silly people might think it is to have gotten a puppy right now, that I treat him like he's my baby (which, of course, he is), or that I love putting him in his puppy stroller (true story, you can laugh all you want, it's been a life saver).

But what will any of that accomplish other than stressing me out? Thankfully, I have no time to let those thoughts in when MacDuff is licking my hand or sniffing the shoes (a favored pooping depository - did I just make up a word?).

Why is it that it is so difficult for me to give this kind of rapt attention to whatever task is in front of me? Whether it be doing the dishes, making copies at work, or just hanging out with Kevin, why is it so hard to leave worries behind? Or leave them in the future where they belong?

[And while we're at it, why do I care so damn much about what other people think of me and the things I do? That is the makings of an entirely different post - maybe a series of posts - so it can stay in the limbo of 'query' for now. Oi.]

The verse about turning worries into to prayers comes to mind (Phil. 4:4-6). I'm terrible at this. Yet, when I try, when I trust, my shoulders relax and I am more able to give my undivided attention to my current task.

Let's give this a try:

(If you are the praying sort, feel free to add these to your list.)

Nicole's Worries into Prayers:

* puppy training
* jobs/financial provision
* family/friends
* being less controlled by other's thoughts and opinions
* health/weight/self-image
* peace in the midst of change/turmoil/uncertainty

While I continue to strive for this elusive ability of being 'in the moment', I will play "bark and growl" (awesome game I made up) with my puppy and Mario with my husband. Equally satisfying.


So tell me: What helps you be in the moment? How do you handle your worries? When do you find yourself most in the moment?

Weekly Update, and Introducing...

Weekly Update:

Exercise: 2 30-min classroom figure 8 walks; 2 30-min pumps on the elliptical; 2 30-min strength training sessions.

Weight Loss: We'll see on July 2nd!

As far as how I'm feeling...

Well, I got through a weekend at a Women's Retreat at Twin Rocks Friends Camp without feeling cravings. That was huge for me! Their food is so good. Not to mention, there is always a full snack table at these retreats. But, for whatever reason, I was satisfied with smaller portions, more fruits than any other snacks, and only 2 cookies (which were planned and accounted for)! This was a victory for me!!!

And what an amazing weekend it was. The theme was God's Homemaking, or the God-Centered Home. Many, many good things. Maybe this will find its way into a future post.

My brown work slacks are still a little too tight. Bummer. Found that out this morning. But! My jeans (the bigger ones I've been wearing until I fit into my smaller ones) are getting looser, I think! Woohoo!

Other than starting to feel a bit sick (cough coming on) and tired this morning, my energy has been good and I'm enjoying the amped-up workouts. Still hoping to push through that plateau!!!

Other than my lack of sleep during the retreat, there is another reason I am tired this morning. I spent my night getting up with our new puppy!


Esteemed Readers, meet MacDuff:

So tell me: How was your weekend? Anything exciting happening in your life this week?