Dryer Lint

Last night I was in need of my handy husband's assistance.


You see, I like to use the dryer sheet to get the excess lint from the lint trap. I didn't know that there's a hole/slot that things can fall into. I found out.


So, Kevin had to use a very long serving spoon, inside-out tape, and some plastic straws to save us all from a future burning disaster.


Husbands are so helpful.


It's been a while since I've written anything to you, friends. Adjusting to a temporary homemaker's schedule has been more time consuming than I had thought. Amazingly enough, the laundry and dishes do not do themselves if left long enough. And the dog absolutely wants to scratch at my legs when I'm trying to go to the bathroom. And the elliptical does not burn calories for me unless I'm actually on it. Weird.


A bit late: Weekly Update


Exercise: (last week) 3-mile walk outside, 1 hour on elliptical, 35 min on elliptical


(and some trampoline time that may or may not have required changing of panties afterward... just like the coughing and sneezing... once I have babies, I'm just screwed.)


Weight Loss: 178.4 .......... That's up a pound. Boo.


So my Monday consisted of pajamas, couch, pouting, Food Network, and peanut butter on a spoon... covered in chocolate chips. Oops.


And to be perfectly honest, I have not been watching my weekends. You know? I work really hard for five days and then let loose on the weekend. Add bloating from too little water and weight gain is bound to happen. Even if it is water weight. Again, boo.


Even though I was totally content asleep (right), it was a good wake up call. Too bad the peanut butter answered before I could get to it...


I know I've said it before, but one day at a time, friends. It's the best I can do. And truly, that's all God is asking of me. Remove the weights and burdens from my shoulders and place them in the hands of One who is waiting patiently to take what was never mine to begin with.

It is often hard for me to see, but I am surrounded by blessings and God's provision. If only I could remember to breathe long enough to take stock of these answers to prayer and moments of joy and solace that are so needed.


The sun is shining today. Summer is officially here. MacDuff is running after his red ball each time I toss it around the apartment. Kevin is studying. My coffee is delicious. Music is playing. My Matron of Honor is going to have a baby. We are having friends over for dinner tomorrow night for the first time in our new home. I haven't gotten lost while driving alone yet. Technology allows me to stay in touch with my favorite people. Greek yogurt (Fage) and honey is the perfect breakfast. So You Think You Can Dance will tape on our DVR tonight. I wake up next to my best friend everyday. The hot water doesn't run out during my showers here (which it did in our old place).

It's the little things, right?




So tell me: What are you thankful for today?

The Swing of Things

"Getting settled" is a bit foreign to me. How does one get settled? How does one get the swing of things?

When I moved away from my childhood hometown to my high school and college hometown, I cried a lot and had a rough time adjusting.

When I moved to college, a whole five minutes from my parent's house, I cried a lot and had a rough time adjusting.

When I moved to Mexico for a semester, I cried a lot and had a rough time adjusting.

When I moved in with my new husband forty minutes from home, I cried a lot and had a rough time adjusting.

When I moved to Washington one week ago, I cried a lot and I'm having a rough time adjusting.

Apparently that is what "getting settled" means to me. 

In every single situation, what helped me to move past my roller coaster of emotions was routine. A purpose. Something I had to focus on. When I literally don't have time to think, to focus on the change, to project all the horrible (and usually unlikely) possibilities of the future, I fall into routine and feel just fine. The reality of my world seems right and much less frightening. I usually find that everything I've been so afraid of is much better than I had thought. Isn't that how it generally goes?

Well, I'm not at that point yet with this most recent move. But I want to be. Rather than waiting for my surroundings to miraculously give me that settled feeling, I'm being proactive this time. 

Yesterday, I drove to town and ran errands all by myself. One of my big fears about moving is always getting lost. I'm terrible with directions. Simply awful. So when I was able to get to the gym and to Safeway and back home again without getting lost once I was pretty excited. For me, that is an accomplishment.

[Side note: I'm also afraid of the gym. There are skinny, buff people there. When I went to the one at our apartment complex, I went with Kevin - and it was small. Baby steps. So yesterday, walking into the gym was so intimidating. I found the ellipticals. I scouted out the situation. There, in between two gym goers was the machine which most closely resembled the one I used at our old place. Usually I would choose a machine at least one space away from anyone else. You know, like at the movie theater or church? You don't want to sit by people unless you have to or you know them well. So, even though this elliptical was sandwiched in there, I marched right up and claimed my vehicle to future fitness. Once I was on there for a while, I was feeling pretty good! I was moving right along, actually faster than the gal to my right. I glanced at Keeping Up with the Kardashians on her TV once in a while and silently rocked out to my Workout Playlist. I even noticed an awesome rock wall in the middle of the gym and decided I would climb it someday. I was feeling fierce and on top of the world. Then, some blonde, with legs for days, waltzed over to the elliptical machines and reminded me of my noob-ness. She pumped on that thing like an expert. Perfect rhythm. She would do some two-step move each time she switched directions, without missing a beat. And she was moving at least twice as fast as I was. She was tiny, fit, and tan. I called her a not-so-nice name in my head. And possibly out loud when I was telling Kevin my story later on. But I won't tell. And he won't either. Spousal privilege.]

Driving around our new town, figuring out how to get to Safeway so we can eat, how to get to the gym so I can torture myself, and back home so Kevin's State Trooper brother-in-law won't have to come looking for me- all good things. Especially good for helping me to get the swing of things. But that's just part of it. I need more routine than that.

So I'm making one. I don't have a job right now (possibly the first time since I was a senior in high school or living abroad) and therefor don't have a schedule made for me. Kevin is studying for the bar exam everyday, so we are making a schedule for that - but that leaves hours for me to use up. The little things help. Tuesdays and Thursdays are our laundry days. Since we are sharing a well with two other households, we had to schedule out laundry so it doesn't dry up. And since I want to go to the gym at least three times a week, I'll go the other days: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'm sure there will be variances once in a while, but this is a good start for a Planner like me.

We get up, let MacDuff relieve himself, make coffee, eat breakfast, do a short devotion, and Kevin goes to study (in the spare bedroom/office) until lunch. There are always little projects for me to do. Picture frames to fill and hang, laundry, exercising, grocery shopping, dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, managing our budget, meal planning, playing/dealing with puppy... 

And part of why I'm not working this month is so that I can relax a bit. I'm so bad at that. But I will give it my best shot. I'm thinking reading, blogging (of course), making our wedding albums (prints and scrapbook), Facebook (duh), that kind of thing. It turns out I'm not very good at relaxing. I feel like there's always some chore I should be doing instead. How very much like my mother I am. So, like my newly retired Mama, I'm trying to allow myself moments of rest and relaxation.

I'm not great at spontaneity. I like plans and routine. Shocking, I know. But I also know that I crave down time that isn't planned down to the minute. Those are the times that I see God best, when I see the blessings in our life, and feel fulfilled and not so drained. But, as our verse from yesterday morning reminded me, "tomorrow will worry about itself", so I need to calm the hell down today. God agrees, I promise.

So tell me: How do you adjust to change? What helps you get settled?

I'm Afraid.

Next Thursday, one week from now, my husband and I will load up all of our belongings, which I think we still see as "mine" and "his" since we have received or purchased very few things together in the last six months, and will move to our new home in Washington. We will be living in a very nice apartment... built over his parent's garage. Yes, I'm moving in with my in-laws. We love both our families so much, but have also loved our freedom and independence in our current apartment.

That is all about to change.

We are leaving our first home together. This was my first home away from my parent's! This loss has been a long time coming, but it is so different in reality than the anticipation.

God has blessed us richly with a place to live that will allow us to get our feet under us financially as we start this life together. That is worth all the hardships and obstacles. I am willing to be inconvenienced to take full of advantage of God's gifts.

That said, I am a whiner baby sometimes. Kevin is really the only one who gets to see that. And, really, I think that's best. Poor guy. :)

But I'll be honest with you: I like to be in full control. I like to control my surroundings. My unhealthy relationship with food was and is about control. It is a coping mechanism that I formed due to my lack of control of situations around me when I was younger. I allowed food to fill voids in my life. Textbook stuff, but harmful nonetheless.

With all of these changes happening, I find the desire to control something. I am part of a unit with my husband, so sometimes, food is the only thing I have FULL control of as an individual. I control what goes in my mouth and what doesn't. That is power. Unfortunately, that food also has power over me. And it is exerting its power at every turn as I attempt to let go of control and trust God with my life, which is yoked to my husband's.

Food is how I cope. Food is something I can depend on. I can count on food making me feel better, even if only for a moment.

And I am feeling that urge to give in to the Power of Food with all of this change happening in my life. I don't want to deal with my food addiction every day. I want to pretend that I "got over" that. It's not something I will get over; it will, it is, something I have to deal with every single day. If I don't control my relationship with food, it will control me. But it is not within me to do this alone. I have to give up some control to get help at times.

Let's be totally honest, I am still learning to give up control to my husband! And he to me! That is really hard! We no longer make our own schedules independent of anyone else. Everything we do, every word we say, every action we take affects the other - that is a lot of responsibility - and sometimes it can feel like a burden!

It reminds me so much of my relationship with food and weight. Letting go of control, admitting I need help and can't battle food on my own, was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It felt like a burden. But I knew, I know, that if I let God do His work that it would be a worthwhile burden leading to health and freedom. When I let my husband help me, it is freeing and empowering.

That is what marriage is to me. And change, too. Together Kevin and I are making choices to better our lives and put God and our marriage above all else. It feels like a burden when all we want to do is have fun and not do the hard work that has to be done. I just want to skip all the icky hard parts and go straight to the fun stuff. That's when I turn to food. That's when I want to cope in unhealthy ways.

Another unhealthy way that I cope is through codependency. You have no idea. Or maybe you do. But when Kevin and I make decisions together, I so badly want to check with all "my people" to make sure it's a good decision. I completely trust God and my husband! And we talk about EVERYTHING!!! We are so honest with each other. And we put each other first.

And yet.

I have been a people pleaser my whole life. So whenever I would do ANYTHING, I would make sure all the people in my life said it was "okay". I would basically ask permission from them before I did anything. If they didn't approve, I felt horrible. I would change my life to make sure all those people were happy. Friends, family, teachers, bosses... And then I would become so angry and resentful at them for trying to control me - but I was teaching them to do it! I was letting them have power over me! I'm not saying that there aren't times when people do try to control me, that does happen and it isn't right, but I am the one who allows them that control.

Even now, as a grown, married woman - my first instinct is to get those same people's approval and acceptance. If they didn't like what I was doing, if I would MAKE ANYBODY MAD AT ME, then my behavior would have to change. Right? Well, not really. Not so right. These are long-standing habits that need to be broken.

[Now, I'm not going to go into all the history of how I started as a child with all of this - codependency and food addiction, all the causes and whatnot, this just isn't the place for that. But I can tell you that there are reasons. And I do deal with them. I verbalize them and I deal with them.]

Do you know what? It is hurtful to my husband when I bring other people into our decisions. He doesn't say it that way, but I know it's true. Even if I only bring them in emotionally and mentally, I am still allowing other people to affect what he and I do. I get mad at those people for "doing" that, but really, it is me allowing it to affect me. Even if someone did get upset about our decisions, that's okay for them to feel that way, but I'm the one who decides whether or not their emotions and feelings will affect me. The way they express their emotions and feelings may not be appropriate, but how it affects me is still under my control. My actions may not even change, but sometimes the effect is that I fall apart emotionally. That is hard for me and my husband.

For far too long I have lived in a prison of fear. Fear that I will make someone mad. Fear that I will not be accepted. Fear that I will not gain others' approval.

I'm even afraid of getting to my goal weight.

I think that's the first time I've written that out.


I'm afraid that the people who knew me as fat won't accept me as thin.

I'm afraid that I don't deserve to be thin and healthy if other people aren't.

I'm afraid that the people who knew me as single won't accept me as married.

I'm afraid that the people who knew me as a people pleaser won't accept me for a strong woman who puts her husband before all others - including them.

I'm afraid that I won't get the support, love, and encouragement I need.

I'm afraid people will look down on me.

I'm afraid that others won't approve of our decisions.

I'm afraid that people won't support my desire to be the kind of wife I want to be.

I'm afraid that I will never be able to control food.

I'm afraid that I will surpass my highest weight.

I'm afraid.

So I try not to make people mad. And when they do, I allow that to really, really affect me. I fall apart. And then I resent them.

I get mad at people who have no idea I'm mad. This has happened so many times in my life. When I am honest, when I talk to them about it, it has nearly always gotten resolved. In fact, it usually leads to a much healthier relationship on both ends. When I create and keep healthy boundaries in my relationships, I am so much happier and feel so much better. I know that this is true. But I am still afraid.

This is real, folks. This is real for me today. This is not the freedom that comes from living in God's will through his mercy and grace. This is bondage brought on by fear from believing in Satan's lies. I believe that with my whole heart.

This is not who I want to be or how I want to live my life. The truth is, I get to choose who is in my life. And I have the right to be picky. I don't have to allow people to hurt me.

I have to believe that I am worth protecting, that I am worth more than that, that I don't deserve poor treatment. And that can be the hardest part. I still have mental blocks built up in my head that tell me that I deserve to be hurt, that I'm not worth standing up for or being treated better.

And that is just plain not true.

I deserve to be picky about which people influence and affect me. I am worth choosing people who uplift and support me. And they deserve for me to be honest about how I feel, about what I need. They are worth me not being affect by things they didn't do in the first place.

You know what else? I a worth doing the hard, hard work needed to be the healthiest me possible. I deserve to reach my goals. When I picture a thin version of Nicole, I don't even believe I can do that- or that I deserve that. How ridiculous is that??? I do deserve to have dreams and passions and go after them. I am worth that. I am!

Now I need to act like I believe all of this is true. Putting words into actions. That's the hardest part.


So tell me: Can you relate? How do you handle issues like this?

Exodus in Genesis

Exodus 5. Read it here.

The point: A couple guys on mission from God ask the head honcho of the Egyptians for a time of rest and seeking God for their people. He says no. And punishes the slaves instead. He makes their labors even more difficult. They have to produce more brick with fewer supplies. Sounds like a nice guy.

The people, unable to keep up with the new conditions, blame the Mission Guys for their troubles. Just days earlier, they had been praising God and ready to follow the Mission Guys to Deliverance. Now, however, their world has become more difficult and they want to point a finger.

One of the Mission Guys, the one with the stick and aptitude for raising walls of water, feels crushed and asks God if He made a mistake by sending him to do this.

Here's what I got from it: The world, this society, makes us believe that their answers, their rewards are the only way to live life; and that their punishments and disciplines will end that life. That the world's values must be our values. That the loudest voices in society must be right, no matter what. Pharaoh made the Israelites believe that only he could grant and take life. That the threat of physical pain was worth avoiding - even if it meant rejecting True Peace and Deliverance.

Lately, Kevin and I have been feeling the need for rest. Time to seek God, if you will. Time to be together. Time to let down, relax. The world tells us that we don't deserve rest, that we don't have enough money to slow down- even for a little bit.

That husband of mine has been going none stop for over three years. For me it has been almost two years. We are tired. We are in need of rest. We try to take time to rest each week, but we need some extended time. Not just a vacation, a time book-ended by stress and work, but a season (short though it may be) to slow down. A time of Jubilee.

Just like the Israelites, that time appears so beautiful when my focus is on what my heart and soul need. Then, when the world tells me that I haven't produced enough brick to slow down, my worries and insecurities flare up with reckless abandon.

My husband and I need time to settle into our new home when we move. He needs time to study for the bar exam. I need time to set up our apartment and get acclimated to living outside of Oregon for the first time. MacDuff needs to pee outside. Always. But that's a different story.

What better time to rest? Slow down? Take it easy?

In fact, I think that is what God is asking of us. [I could write a whole other post (series, even) about seeking God's will and how NEBULOUS that is, but I'll save it for later.]

Last week, I was notified that I would not be interviewing for a job I had applied for in our new city. It would have required a harried and early move and a whirlwind of stress, but it would have offered security. And I was qualified. And who doesn't want to be told that someone else thinks they're awesome enough on paper to talk to in person? Isn't that what the world says we have to have? Isn't that what the world values? Won't the world beat me up if I don't pursue its values?

Well, it didn't happen. And I'm sort of relieved. Weird, right?

God will take care of our finances. I believe that. The truth is, our finances will be fine for several months. But even seeing a possible struggle in the future makes me crave that no-doubt security. Having trust like that is probably the hardest thing I face. I want to control it. I want that security. I want to know Pharaoh's men aren't going to beat me.

Sometimes all I can focus on is fighting off the world's beatings, even at the cost of the rest my soul needs - that my little family needs. Even when all True signs point to the Deliverance of rest, I want the world to tell me that it is okay to slow down. But it never will.

The world will never tell me what I want to hear, not what I truly need to hear.

It tells me to be skinny, but to do it quickly with fad diets. It also tells me to pursue convenience and decadence at the same time.

It tells me to value money and objects over time with loved ones and time of rest.

This time, I'm not going to listen.


So tell me: What does the world tell you that flies in the face of what you truly need?

Moving: In The Moment

So you may not know this, but my husband and I (and puppy MacDuff, of course) are moving in June. Just under six weeks, to be exact.

Moving requires work. Did you know that?

I was thinking I could snap my fingers, or sprinkle some fairy dust, and the packing and logistics would all take care of themselves.

Not so.

In fact, we must do that ourselves. Boo.

This is when I blow through my lips making horse-like noises. Try not to picture it. Not pretty. Spit everywhere.

Remember how I make lists? Well, this moving business just adds to my insatiable need to make lists. And lists. And some more lists.

And then ignore them completely when the stress of it all becomes overwhelming.

You see, my husband's simple suggestion that we start organizing/packing this week, so as to spread the work out over six weeks, turned into a near-breakdown for me.

  All of a sudden, I was imagining myself on one of those spinning playground discs, holding onto one of the upside-down-U-bars, watching the tasks of life whiz around my head: dog, work, cooking, cleaning, husband, exercise, errands, church, family, friends, getting a job - and then "packing" got unceremoniously thrown in by the hubs. His thought was not only innocent, but trying to think practically to make our lives simpler in the coming weeks. (How silly men can be.)

And yet. I very nearly fell apart. Over the phone. (Am I the only one who struggles with anything important being talked about over the phone? Yes? Okay. Nevermind then, I was just kidding...)

The thing is, I have a really hard time being in the moment. You know what I mean? I am either dwelling on the past or worrying about focused on the future.

Then, the other night at home, I noticed something: When I am on the floor playing with my almost-8-week-old pup, MacDuff, the world stops. It's just him, me, and his little red toy. (Which we are desperately trying to get him to chew instead of our fingers - especially since his sharp little puppy teeth are now coming in.)

I wrestle him around, carefully - he's very small, he growls his toughest puppy growl, and I delight in him. When I have human children someday, and yes, I am thereby saying my MacDuff is my non-human child, I imagine this feeling will be similar. (Strangely enough, this same feeling happens when I play video games with my husband.)

I am in charge of this little guy when I'm with him. He's so small that he could very easily get hurt, or worse, pee on the carpet, when I'm not looking. He requires constant attention. And I gladly give it to him. He is a lot of work. Don't be misled - puppies are A LOT of work. But it is rewarding work. I see him learning, discovering, and it fascinates me. It enthralls me. I have no thoughts of past or future, or anything other than the black little furball scurrying around my floor tripping over his own feet. Well, paws.

I could be worrying about how potty training might scale back a few steps once we move. I could be thinking about that cute DIY vintage suitcase puppy bed I saw on Pinterest. I could be wondering about our finances, asking myself how we will pay for all his puppy needs when I haven't landed a job yet. I could focus on how silly people might think it is to have gotten a puppy right now, that I treat him like he's my baby (which, of course, he is), or that I love putting him in his puppy stroller (true story, you can laugh all you want, it's been a life saver).

But what will any of that accomplish other than stressing me out? Thankfully, I have no time to let those thoughts in when MacDuff is licking my hand or sniffing the shoes (a favored pooping depository - did I just make up a word?).

Why is it that it is so difficult for me to give this kind of rapt attention to whatever task is in front of me? Whether it be doing the dishes, making copies at work, or just hanging out with Kevin, why is it so hard to leave worries behind? Or leave them in the future where they belong?

[And while we're at it, why do I care so damn much about what other people think of me and the things I do? That is the makings of an entirely different post - maybe a series of posts - so it can stay in the limbo of 'query' for now. Oi.]

The verse about turning worries into to prayers comes to mind (Phil. 4:4-6). I'm terrible at this. Yet, when I try, when I trust, my shoulders relax and I am more able to give my undivided attention to my current task.

Let's give this a try:

(If you are the praying sort, feel free to add these to your list.)

Nicole's Worries into Prayers:

* puppy training
* jobs/financial provision
* family/friends
* being less controlled by other's thoughts and opinions
* health/weight/self-image
* peace in the midst of change/turmoil/uncertainty

While I continue to strive for this elusive ability of being 'in the moment', I will play "bark and growl" (awesome game I made up) with my puppy and Mario with my husband. Equally satisfying.


So tell me: What helps you be in the moment? How do you handle your worries? When do you find yourself most in the moment?

Be Present, Choose Happiness

A slightly altered version of Bobby McFerrin's song may be playing through your head as it is mine. His message, "Don't Worry, Be Happy", fits my thoughts today as well. 



Happy.



Right now my husband's and my life feels a bit scatterred. He is finishing school, I am working, neither of us knows exactly what we will be doing come June. It's up in the air. I keep thinking that life will settle for us then, but we really have no way of knowing. Not to mention, when does life really ever settle down? Yet I want to plan for where we'll be in June and what our life will look like. Remember that I am a planner? Well, you put "no plan" and "planner personality" together and you get STRESS and WORRY. Neither of whom are my best friends. Though they do tend to hang around fairly often...

Kevin and I were discussing this the other day, among other things. My husband, bless him, chooses to be happy and not complain in nearly every situation. Sure, he vents to me once in a while, but not often. When I am in a mood (which NEVER happens), this can piss me off. I don't want Polyanna ruining my grump-fest. However, most of the time, I am inspired by his willingness to choose happiness in the moment- even when that moment may otherwise drive him crazy. 

See? Happy.





This idea, being present in the moment, letting tomorrow take care of itself, not worrying, choosing to be happy no matter the circumstance, is so appealing. I love this idea. In practice, well, I don't really have much practice. I'm a planner! I think ahead and worry about the things outside of my control.

When I read this, 

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
   And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:25-34) (emphasis mine)

I am reminded of the One who does the worrying for me.

Thrown in for Cuteness.

My Protector, the true Planner, knows what is in my heart and mind. He wants me to be happy. I truly believe that God wants each of us to be happy, to enjoy the life He has given us. No, that does not mean life is easy, or that we will be happy every moment. But I think this means He gives us the chance to lay our worries at His feet and choose happiness. He allowed his Son to take on all our sins and worries so that we could live free of those burdens.


So why do I choose to carry those burdens instead of ask for His help?


My favorite verse in the whole Bible is this:

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11:28-30)

I love how The Message words this passage.


There are promises embedded in these words.


I hear God saying, "Nicole, remember who I am. Remember who I created you to be. I don't make mistakes. This life is draining, come to me and be filled. The burdens I ask you to carry are crafted for you - for the gifts I have given you, to shape you into the disciple I need you to be. Spend some time with me. Tell me your worries. I can handle them. Burdens from me are light and freeing. Burdens of the world will take from you until you are empty. My burdens will refine and strengthen you. Trust in me. I am waiting here for you whenever you choose to come. I will never turn away or grow weary of your stubborness. You are mine, no matter what you do."

Little Grump-Fest.

Again, why do I choose to carry those burdens instead of ask for His help?


Maybe because I am a control freak (the not-so-nice, yet perhaps-more-honest title for what I usually call the 'planner'). Maybe because the burdens are comforting in the sense that they are known, while letting them go is unknown. Maybe because I lean too much on my own strength and understanding and start to think that I can do it all on my own. Maybe because I don't want to seem weak by admitting that I cannot do it all on my own. Maybe because I get caught up in the whirlwind of life and forget that He is waiting patiently with open arms. Maybe all of these things.


Along with my tendency to worry comes my self-analysis. These tapes play in my head that I'm not good enough. I'm not doing enough. I worry too much (I even get mad at myself for worrying - which obviously helps the situation). I don't worry enough. I'm not using my gifts for God. I'm not using my gifts at all. I'm being lazy.

None of these voices aid me in choosing happiness, being present, or relying on God's strength rather than my own.


No, I'm not at a point where I can lead (or attend) a woman's prayer group or Bible study in my home, or anywhere else for that matter. I barely have time for the weekly "Bible study" with a few girlfriends that more often turns into much-needed catching up than hard-core study. Being on worship team at church would require an extra hour and a half of driving to my already extra-long day. I keep reminding myself that learning to be a wife, being responsible with the tasks I have been given, taking care of my mind, spirit and body- take up all of my time. That's where I'm at right now. I'm social and I love to be involved - but that's not where I'm at.


My days are full of driving, work, cleaning, cooking, running errands, and spending the little leftover time with my husband. Then we go to bed. Early. When I don't allow those over-analytical and critical voices to take over, I am actually quite happy with our routine. We can have dinner with friends every once in a while, but mostly we keep to our quiet routine at home.


Nope, I don't know what exactly the future holds. Yes, I have dreams and hopes for that future.



But for now, I will revel in:

the beautiful views I have on my way to work;

the ability to pay the bills;

watching Heroes while we eat our dinner;

singing with every fiber of my joyful being on Sunday mornings, as my church family lightens my spirit with their sheer presence;

texting a friend during the in-between moments at work; 

snorting with laughter as I listen to Daria, Mitch, and Ted on my drive home;

falling asleep next to my best friend every night;

smiling every time I walk into our apartment and look around at the home we have created together.

Not my actual driving view. But pretty, nonetheless. And I did take the picture. That counts, right?

(The red curtains were my idea.)

Being present.
Choosing happiness.
Finding contentment.




So tell me: How do you deal with your worries? What tends to bog you down?