My Heart of Hearts

There are many thoughts going through my head as I stand in the kitchen, making my Medifast pancake, and stirring my in-the-making chicken tortilla soup:

"I wonder if we can afford that bottomless portafilter now. I really want to get good at latte art."

"This leftover spinach will work in the soup, right? Especially if I blend it all up. And then I'll get to use my immersion blender!"

"There's Nutella in the pantry. One scoop wouldn't hurt."

"Kevin should be getting done with work in about an hour. I'm so ready for the weekend and extended time together."

"How many ounces of water have I had today? A lot, I'm sure. I've peed way too many times."

"I didn't make my tip quota today. :( Well, at least I was only $1 off."

"Where am I going to put the dryer load when the washer load is done? The bed..."

"Shaving MacDuff didn't work as seamlessly as I hoped. And plucking his ear hair did NOT work at all. The vet should just do it for me. I don't like it."

"I really want chocolate. I have some Reese's minis in the bread box. The dark chocolate ones."

"No gym today. Not the end of the world. I can go tomorrow night, I suppose."

"I love my Spotify Broadway playlist!"

"I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time."

"Being on worship team on Sunday is going to be fun, I think."

"I still can't believe it was Kevin's idea to buy me new clothes this weekend. Apparently a wardrobe full of used clothes bearing stains and holes isn't in style. Gosh, I love that guy."

"My Cheat Day Stash is in the cupboard. Right over there. No one would know if I had just a little. I could tell Kevin later... You know, I am stressed. There's always something I'm stressed about..."

.....

Over and over my thoughts turn to food, specifically sweets. And of course, that would lead to salty goods. I have cravings. All the time. All. The. Time.

You've heard me talk about food addiction, weight loss, exercise, excuses, cravings; none of this is new. It gets old for me, too. This constant battle raging in my heart, mind, and stomach. 

I'm reading this book right now that really has me thinking about my whole mindset about being/getting healthy.

Here is the thought that has been rattling around in my head for the last few days: What if I saw my choices to stay on plan as obedience to God instead of a means to weight loss?

It seems so simple. Yet I have always tried to find excuses for why God doesn't really care about how I eat or if I exercise. How could that affect my relationship with Him? What does it matter? That has nothing to do with my serving others or being a good Jesus follower. And why hasn't He taken away my struggle, anyway? Maybe He didn't cause it, but he sure hasn't gotten rid of it either!

Then another thought from that book comes to my mind: What if God wants to use that struggle to bring me closer to Him? What if He knew that I would struggle to turn to Him instead of food and therefore hasn't taken that away? 

Basically, how could I make this battle, this journey, about God instead of about me?

That's a scary thought. 

If my eating and exercising are simply up to my latest "plan", then it doesn't matter if I falter for a night or altogether quit. If God cares about what I do, and if I disobey, that really raises the stakes. And it's not about some strict rule I have to follow; God knows what I truly, truly need. He knows what is in my heart, right down to the very deepest core. He knows how badly I want to have victory over this enemy, over the Enemy. He knows how much my spirit has been crushed and my heart hurt because of the limits of my strength and the weakness of my self-control.

What if I really did conquer this? Is that even possible? 

"Yes", the response from all kindhearted people is "yes". "Of course, Nicole! You can do it! I know you will beat this! Keep at it, girl!"

But it goes so much deeper than that. I know that some of you really know what I'm talking about- you are reading this and nodding along, wondering the same things.

In my heart of hearts, I believe it is possible. And in my heart of hearts, I don't even want to try. And in my heart of hearts, I want to look down at my enemy underfoot and praise the Almighty for what He has done in and through me, having victory over that which works so hard to overcome me.


So tell me: What is in your heart of hearts? What battle rattles you to your core? Do you believe it is possible to overcome?