My Heart of Hearts

There are many thoughts going through my head as I stand in the kitchen, making my Medifast pancake, and stirring my in-the-making chicken tortilla soup:

"I wonder if we can afford that bottomless portafilter now. I really want to get good at latte art."

"This leftover spinach will work in the soup, right? Especially if I blend it all up. And then I'll get to use my immersion blender!"

"There's Nutella in the pantry. One scoop wouldn't hurt."

"Kevin should be getting done with work in about an hour. I'm so ready for the weekend and extended time together."

"How many ounces of water have I had today? A lot, I'm sure. I've peed way too many times."

"I didn't make my tip quota today. :( Well, at least I was only $1 off."

"Where am I going to put the dryer load when the washer load is done? The bed..."

"Shaving MacDuff didn't work as seamlessly as I hoped. And plucking his ear hair did NOT work at all. The vet should just do it for me. I don't like it."

"I really want chocolate. I have some Reese's minis in the bread box. The dark chocolate ones."

"No gym today. Not the end of the world. I can go tomorrow night, I suppose."

"I love my Spotify Broadway playlist!"

"I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time."

"Being on worship team on Sunday is going to be fun, I think."

"I still can't believe it was Kevin's idea to buy me new clothes this weekend. Apparently a wardrobe full of used clothes bearing stains and holes isn't in style. Gosh, I love that guy."

"My Cheat Day Stash is in the cupboard. Right over there. No one would know if I had just a little. I could tell Kevin later... You know, I am stressed. There's always something I'm stressed about..."

.....

Over and over my thoughts turn to food, specifically sweets. And of course, that would lead to salty goods. I have cravings. All the time. All. The. Time.

You've heard me talk about food addiction, weight loss, exercise, excuses, cravings; none of this is new. It gets old for me, too. This constant battle raging in my heart, mind, and stomach. 

I'm reading this book right now that really has me thinking about my whole mindset about being/getting healthy.

Here is the thought that has been rattling around in my head for the last few days: What if I saw my choices to stay on plan as obedience to God instead of a means to weight loss?

It seems so simple. Yet I have always tried to find excuses for why God doesn't really care about how I eat or if I exercise. How could that affect my relationship with Him? What does it matter? That has nothing to do with my serving others or being a good Jesus follower. And why hasn't He taken away my struggle, anyway? Maybe He didn't cause it, but he sure hasn't gotten rid of it either!

Then another thought from that book comes to my mind: What if God wants to use that struggle to bring me closer to Him? What if He knew that I would struggle to turn to Him instead of food and therefore hasn't taken that away? 

Basically, how could I make this battle, this journey, about God instead of about me?

That's a scary thought. 

If my eating and exercising are simply up to my latest "plan", then it doesn't matter if I falter for a night or altogether quit. If God cares about what I do, and if I disobey, that really raises the stakes. And it's not about some strict rule I have to follow; God knows what I truly, truly need. He knows what is in my heart, right down to the very deepest core. He knows how badly I want to have victory over this enemy, over the Enemy. He knows how much my spirit has been crushed and my heart hurt because of the limits of my strength and the weakness of my self-control.

What if I really did conquer this? Is that even possible? 

"Yes", the response from all kindhearted people is "yes". "Of course, Nicole! You can do it! I know you will beat this! Keep at it, girl!"

But it goes so much deeper than that. I know that some of you really know what I'm talking about- you are reading this and nodding along, wondering the same things.

In my heart of hearts, I believe it is possible. And in my heart of hearts, I don't even want to try. And in my heart of hearts, I want to look down at my enemy underfoot and praise the Almighty for what He has done in and through me, having victory over that which works so hard to overcome me.


So tell me: What is in your heart of hearts? What battle rattles you to your core? Do you believe it is possible to overcome?

I Won!!!

I can't remember the last time I won anything. I'm so excited!!!

Remember that recipe contest? Well, I really did win! My Pinot-Pepper Portobello Panini did the trick!

I'm on their website and everything!

This means I get to treat my husband to a REALLY NICE date night out and experiment with one each of the delicious Czar sauces. 

Thank you, Czar's Fine Foods for making and tasting my sandwich!

Oh man, this lady is pretty pumped. :-)

I was even thinking that this would have been way better on my homemade flatbread; I'll just have to give that a try.

The sun is rising, the power is back on (lovely surprise at 5:55 AM), and I don't have to work until 1 PM. Oh yeah, and I won a recipe contest. :)

Nine Months of Marriage on a Waistline.

Kevin and I have been married for nine months.

That means it has been one year and seven months since we met.

That also means I have not lost (and kept off) one pound for over a year and seven months.

Losing weight as a single person was a totally different Beast than what I face today. That ugly thing realizes just how hard it is to be a wife, putting my husband first, and still take care of myself - and it wants blood. This is not one of those cute monsters under the bed with one eye and a penchant for dry humor; this is a blood-thirsty animal that will stop at nothing to discover whether or not I could be as wide as I am long.

Some days are better than others, but to be truthful, I haven't had that zeal and focus for losing weight since before I met the hubs. Don't get me wrong, being married is the greatest gift from God I could have received; Kevin is my biggest supporter and constant encourager. It's me, not him.

Telling myself it is "okay" to spend more time at the gym and less time at home (usually after several hours of working at the coffee shop) is so hard to do. Taking any time for my own health that might take away from "us" time seems like the end of the world sometimes. And beyond all of that, it has just been really hard to keep myself motivated.

Why am I doing this? 

I had a list, and it really is true. All of it. But it barely stands up to The Beast (or The Stash) on a good day; it cowers in fear on the bad ones. 

The thing is, I know why. It really comes down to one simple truth: I feel better when I take care of my body.

And taking care of my body requires regular exercise and healthy eating.

It really is that simple.

I am a better me when I am actively pursuing my best health.

Lots of things get in the way. That's life. And sometimes, I really, truly okay with that. A down weekend every now and then is actually NOT the end of the world. A dark chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter Cup mini now and then is actually quite necessary - to my mental health. AND I love food! I love to cook, to bake, and to eat! That's not going to change.

And folks, I do know how to do this. I've done it! I know the facts, the info, the details, the theories... I just have to do it. Little by little. 

And it is oh, so hard. It doesn't get easier to tackle The Beast. I'm back up to 200 pounds. Now you know. I'm not even close to perfect. I'm going backwards on the scale. It is discouraging in so many ways. And yet I choose to force a good attitude and keep trying. (At least that is how I feel right now, we'll see in about 20 minutes...)

I've been going to the gym more often and eating salads for lunch. I've also been drinking 64 ounces of water a day, at least. It's a start. Well, it's more like a continuance. It just keeps going.

It's been a long time since I have really talked to you all, rather than show you pictures and tell you about yummy things I've made. That's all wonderful, and I love to do it, but sitting down to write about how I am is much harder. It takes more time, thought, and energy - things I don't have to spare very often. I'm working about 30 hours a week, which is a total God-send, and that doesn't leave much time for blogging after housekeeping/running, especially when I am also making time for my health.

So bear with me, okay? I think about you all the time. Keep reading. Keep responding. And keep going on whatever goal you are aiming for. 

We'll never be perfect, but we can at least keep going. 


So tell me: How are you coming on your goals? How do you keep motivated?

New Addition to the Family.

Cafe Nicole is now open.

We have a new family member.

(Nope, not the scale, and definitely NOT a baby.)

No name yet, other than: Espresso Machine. But that's boring.

I've been told I can practice latte art with this baby.

I sure hope so; eBay, don't fail me now!

This isn't exactly the same as my shop (I've told you that I work at a coffee shop, right?), but I'm on my way to creating a delicious cup of espresso (or latte, mocha, etc.).

See?? It's a start!!!

Not exactly latte art, but I'm pretty friggin' excited about this.

I'M GEEKING OUT ABOUT COFFEE AND MY HOME MACHINE RIGHT NOW!!!

Okay. That's enough for now...

So tell me: Have any tips? Tricks? Recipes?

I Dream of Pumpkin

I had pumpkin on the brain. Two weeks in a row. So I made a few things...

Chocolate chip pumpkin bread. Here.

I only had a LARGE can of pumpkin (which is actually why I made so many goodies, trying to use it up), so I weighed out what I needed for my bread.

It kinda, sorta, maybe fell when I took it out of the oven- so I eventually turned it out into a bowl and served it like a bread pudding... without the pudding.

Pumpkin muffins. Here.

I added diced almonds on top just for prettiness.

These are delicious and so pretty. I think they could be in a display window. 

Starbucks pumpkin scone. Here.

This is one of my favorite Starbucks pastries, so I was so excited to recreate it!!!

You can cut the scones into 16 small pieces for even more to share.

So gorgeous.

And let me tell you, they were incredibly good.

Baked pumpkin donut holes. Here.

These are just mini muffins dipped in butter and then rolled in cinnamon sugar. So simple, and so much fun!

These were the husband's favorite out of all of the recipes.

So tell me: What is your favorite pumpkin recipe?