MacDuff, with a Side of Truth.

MacDuff.



A little over two weeks between photos.

If you stay focused on the cute dog, maybe you won't notice my words of confession. I want to call them words of failure, but that just isn't true. I like to think that I fail whenever I dissapoint myself. The truth is, the Enemy lies. He puts thoughts in my head, or amplifies ones I conjure up, about my worth. My failures. My fears. My insecurities.

He was screaming at me last night.

He's just over 8 weeks.

He was aware that Kevin and I had a stupid argument. One of those arguments that you're not sure why is started, how it escalated so fast, and why you're still so angry - for no reason at all. One of those that I hold onto, keep pushing, being stubborn as all get out - just so I don't have to admit when I've done something wrong - like continuing to argue even though we solved the problem.

The thoughts in my head were of failure. My insecurities as a wife, as a woman. My fears of failure.

He posed for me on this pillow. I didn't even have to put him there.

So I ate.

Sour Patch Kids. Frosting. Cookie dough. Ricecake snacks. Dark chocolate.

And I didn't go do the workout I had planned.

And I cried. And hated myself. And feared the future. And wondered about why we humans work so hard for a world that continues to push us down.

I just love our little Shnoodle. (Shnauzer/Poodle)

Then my husband talked me down. As he so often does.

And I talked. A lot.

And cried some more.

And realized that I haven't really, truly given weight loss my everything the last four months. I give up every few steps, or at least I step backward.

If I don't really, truly try, I can't fail.

There's the rub. The truth. The fear. The insecurity. There it is: I don't want to fail.

I don't want to let anyone down. Not my husband, family, friends, strangers, God. I don't want to fail.

He's learning to fetch, scratch at the door to "go potty outside", stay in his kennel without crying until we get him out, eat/drink on a schedule. We are learning how to have patience, with some more patience, and then add some patience for good measure.

So, I say to Fear and Failure: SCREW YOU GUYS! I know what I'm capable of! I know I can accomplish what I put my mind to! You will not hold me back! Your lies and threats will not keep me from reaching my goals. This Weight Loss Competition could not come at a better time. I am going to give this my all.

It is scary. It is difficult. In fact, it seems impossible.

I'll just have to prove myself wrong, won't I?

I'll be totally honest here, I could use some encouragement! So keep it coming! Each comment gives me joy and hope!

Love to you all,

Nicole

So tell me: What do you love that is worth sacrificing for? What goals are you willing to reach no matter what?