Small Victories

So today Kevin and I went back "on plan".

That means no breads, potatoes, pasta, rice, etc. for Kevin.

That means only Medifast food, lean protein, and veggies for me.

We made an exception for one slice of cake each after his swearing in ceremony tomorrow.

(Did I mention that my husband passed the bar exam?! Yeah, he did. He's awesome.)

We also made an exception for our early anniversary trip that we're taking in two weeks.

I was feeling pretty good this morning when I headed in to work.

Day 1 of anything is usually equal parts exciting and suckage.

And it's Monday.

When I walked in, I saw that my coworker made her famous cinnamon rolls. Rude.

And then the Donut Guy came through the shop.

He's this guy that brings a box of donuts with him. Every. Time. He. Comes.

There are ALWAYS apple fritters and maple bars in there.

ALWAYS.

Double rude.

Guess what?!

I did not give in.

Small Victories.


So tell me: What are your small victories lately?

Phone Pics

I'm going to let my phone speak for itself. Just go with it.

Made to Crave: Personal Reflections, Chapter #1

Personal Reflections

1. If you could personify craving based on your experience of it, what form might it take? Would it be like the little orange monster or would it take a different shape? Describe what your craving looks like and how it behaves. If you could sit down and have a conversation with this imaginary craving, what do you think it might say to you? What questions would you want to ask it? How do you imagine it might respond?

My answer: I feel like my cravings are a sneak attack; I won’t even know I’m having a craving, or feeding one, until I’m half-way through. It’s like an old friend comes to visit, I do what I always do, and only realize later on that it was an enemy the whole time. It is always so enticing and comfortable-looking. I think it, what I often call The Beast, would promise me that it could make me feel better – no matter how I’m currently feeling. If I’m celebrating, happy, sad, angry, bored – it doesn’t matter- it will make me feel better. It says, “Nicole, give in to me, and the bad thing you feel will go away. Give in to me and I will make your happiness and celebration even greater! If you don’t use me, you will regret it. If you don’t eat that food, you’ll feel deprived – and you may never get another chance to eat that particular food. You can’t handle your issue any other way; I’m the only one who can help you.” I would ask it why it never keeps those promises – why I always feel worse eventually for giving in to the temptation. I would ask it why it chooses me, when I know other girls who do not have to deal with it. To both, it would probably tell me that I just misunderstand, that my disappointment or discouragement is my fault – whether I eat or not.

2. How do you respond to the idea that God made us to crave? Have you ever pursued a craving - a longing, passion, or desire - that made a positive contribution to your life? What do you think distinguishes that kind of craving from the craving that leads you to eat in unhealthy ways?

My answer: It makes a lot of sense to me that God made me to crave. (I’m choosing to answer with “me” and not “we” or “us”, because I usually take the easy route- making it less personal and more general or universal. Just one more way I’m trying to combat this whole issue. I learned to stick with “me” and “I” in Celebrate Recovery, so I’m going to keep at it.) Most of the disciplines in my life – as in, things I started and actually finished – were like a craving, something I couldn’t quit because of obstacles. Things that ended up being positive pursuits for me: education, theatre, friendships/relationships, crocheting, learning Spanish, traveling, Kevin, baking/cooking. These kinds of cravings are under my control, instead of the other way around. That’s what makes them healthy. I’m still able to prioritize them, even leave one behind, if need be. That isn’t the case with food.

3. If it's true that we are made to crave, how might it change the way you understand your cravings? Do you believe there could be any benefits to listening to your cravings rather than trying to silence them? If so, what might those benefits be? If not, why not?

My Answer: I guess my first thought would be that both God and Satan have influence over me, which means some of my cravings wouldn’t be good or beneficial to me. I’ve never really thought about “listening to my cravings” before; it is a really interesting idea. It is true that I try to silence them, or ignore them, as I think about it, with food. Listening to them instead would be like giving myself a chance to figure out if it is a good or bad craving. From there, I can assess why I might be having that craving. I am a very introspective person, so I can usually figure out what I’m feeling and why, and yet I “medicate” with food anyway. In some ways, this seems really hard because listening to my craving, figuring out why it’s happening, also means I could do something about it – other than eat. I am not good about making sure my needs are met. I never want to be selfish or self-centered. So I try to ignore my needs most of the time, which never does anyone any good in the long run. Listening to my current craving, naming it, figuring out where it’s coming from, and then doing something about it (again, other than eat) could be so helpful to me. I have read so many things about good responses: drink a glass of water, go on a walk, call a friend, listen to music – basically, distract yourself from the unbelievable longing for food long enough for it to subside. I don’t usually try these things. I either just eat, or ignore the craving altogether- which only lasts so long. It isn’t actually dealing with it. Telling myself that I am worth taking care of, that the need I’m currently having is worth meeting, that taking time to listen to my craving and do something positive about it sounds like a really good idea to me. But talking about it now is so much easier than doing it in the moment. Not only do I want to eat in really emotional moments, but eating is also habitual for me. I don’t even have to think about it, my body just does it. 

4. The Bible describes three ways Satan tries to lure us away from loving God: cravings, lust of the eyes, and boasting (1 John 2:15-16). Lysa explains how Satan used these tactics with both Eve and Jesus. Using the list below, think back over the last twenty-four hours or the last few days to see if you recognize how you may have been tempted in similar ways.

Cravings: meeting physical desires outside the will of God. In what ways were you tempted by desires for things such as food, alcohol, drugs, or sex?

My answer: Food. Definitely food. Over the last few days I have eaten every comfort food within my reach – to the point of feeling sickly full. My stomach will feel taut to the touch. I hate that feeling. But I’ve been stressed, dealing with a lot of stuff, so I tell myself it’s okay. And sometimes, I think it is okay to comfort myself with food. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t let myself do that until I’m at a point when I have much better control of my food issues. I don’t know. But I do know that I was tempted a lot and that I gave in each time. I would find something full of sugar, fat, or salt to keep the emotions at bay. This has gone way beyond eating to fuel my body. And once I’ve “ruined” my day, I just figure I might as well “start tomorrow” and eat what I want for the rest of the day. Lovely cycle. 

Lust of the eyes: meeting material desires outside the will of God. In what ways were you tempted by desires for material things - clothing, financial portfolio, appliance, vacation plans, cosmetics, home decor, electronics, etc.?

My Answer: I really want to get some cosmetic stuff. And I know it is perfectly find for me to get a curling iron, blow dryer, flat iron, and makeup. Kevin and I budget for these kinds of things – both as needs and wants. But, I have been focusing on them (okay, obsessing) over these things the last few days to try to keep my stress even further at bay when food doesn’t seem to get the job done thoroughly enough. Even when I had alone time with Kevin (which is a positive thing I crave), I found myself on my phone or computer looking up prices of these things. Good indicator that I’m trying to avoid/ignore/silence a craving.

Boasting: meeting needs for significance outside the will of God. In what ways were you tempted by your desires to prop up your significance  - perhaps by name dropping, exaggerating, feigning humility, or other virtues, doing something just because you knew it would be observed by others, etc.?

My Answer: I am total people-pleaser and love getting those stamps of approval. This often is coupled with feelings of intense obligation to others, which can foster resentment and anger. This has grown my codependency in major ways over the years. I can say that I have made great strides in this area over the last few years, but it still very tangible in my everyday life.

Of the three kinds of temptations, which is the most difficult for you to resist? Which is the easiest to resist? Why?

My Answer: Food is the most difficult for me to resist. I think that is because it meets an immediate need without hurting anyone else (at least that is what I tell myself in the moment). Everyone has to eat, so in my mind it won’t send up any red flags for anyone else. Though, I do tend to start hiding and sneaking food when I know I am giving in to a craving and don’t want to be talked out of it or judged by anyone – even if that is all in my head. Material things is easiest for me to resist because I have what I need; when I want something else, Kevin and I save up for it and I can have it. 

5. Jesus quotes the truth of Scripture to defeat temptation. Have you ever used Scripture in this way? What was the result?  How do you feel about the idea of using this approach to address your unhealthy eating patterns?

My Answer: The only experience I have with using Scripture in this way is when I have nightmares. My mom taught me, when I was very little, to repeat the following whenever I woke up from a bad dream and was very scared, “The blood of Jesus Christ washes over me, and Satan has no power here.” It wasn’t a direct quotation of Scripture, but it was calling on the power of Christ and the truths of the Bible. To this day, it never fails to protect me through the rest of the night. In some ways, I love the idea of quoting Scripture to combat unhealthy cravings and eating patterns, but in another way, I’m afraid it will work and that I will have to miss out on food. Isn’t that crazy? I love food so much. I love making food. Cooking and baking are some of my favorite pastimes. I’m good at it! Kevin loves it. It can be very therapeutic. And I have to eat – I have to cook for my household. That makes it so hard! This is one of my strongest arguments. Nonetheless, if I am serious about making permanent changes, I have to be willing to do anything, right? Especially when my gut tells me it is a good thing that will actually help me. Making my food issues, my health, about God instead of about me sounds so refreshing.

So tell me: How would you answer these questions? What thoughts are spurred by this? Do any of my answers resonate with you? Do you have any questions for me?

**All questions were quoted directly from the book: Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire With God, Not Food by Lysa Terkeurst; the answers are my own.**

100th Post: 100 Things

1. I like chocolate
2. I hate dieting
3. I hate exercising
4. I do both anyway
5. I love almost every kind of music
6. Colors make me happy
7. I hate doing the dishes
8. I love when they're done
9. My favorite book is A Ring of Endless Light by Madeline L'Engle
10. My favorite song is Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy
11. I walked down the isle to that song at my wedding
12. Mango margaritas from Red Robin make me very, very happy
13. Dark chocolate also makes me very happy
14. I got to watch one of my nieces being born when I was 12
15. Our friends just had a baby boy, who I hold when I need baby therapy, which he delivers quite perfectly 
16. I'm a Jesus girl
17. That isn't an actual thing, it is just my way of saying I'm a 'believer', Christian, without being stuck with a stereotype or label
18. Number 17 just negated number 16
19. I love taking pictures
20. My favorite stuffed animal growing up was named Blanky Bear
21. I sucked two fingers on my left (I think) hand until I was seven
22. To end that habit, I had to sleep with socks on my hands
23. My favorite thing to do right now is sit on my couch with Kevin watching House and eating ice cream
24. I majored in Theatre and Spanish in college
25. I got my Masters in Teaching after that
26. I have a LOT of student debt
27. I absolutely love my job as a barista
28. My husband finds out on Friday whether or not he passed the Bar Exam
29. Pins
30. and
31. Needles
32. Candles and music make everything better
33. I got that from my mom
34. As well as her penchant for decorating and laughing at her own jokes
35. I've yet to taste a type of alcohol I don't enjoy
36. I am not an alcoholic
37. I love snuggling with my puppy, MacDuff
38. He is a pain in the patootie most of the time
39. Patooty?
40. I straightened my hair last week and LOVE it
41. I might get a Brazilian Blowout to have it straight for a few months
42. That is not a "downstairs" kinda thing
43. But even when I found that out, it is the only thing I can think of whenever I hear the words "Brazilian Blowout"
44. Then I laugh to myself, the middle-schooler-at-heart that I am
45. I haven't been writing on here much this month
46. Things have been kinda stressful
47. But God is good
48. And so is my husband
49. And chocolate
50. And onion rings
51. Not being able to fit an onion ring into the ranch dipping bowl is a "First World" problem
52. It sucks, nonetheless
53. I moved MacDuff's big kennel into the office in order to use the heating elements without scorching the little dude
54. I love having more open space in here!
55. I look at my wedding ring often
56. Kevin and I always kiss in sets of three
57. One of my favorite customer's name is John
58. He gets a 24 ounce iced mocha with 2% milk
59. My mom got me the Jesus Calling journal/devotional that I've been wanting, even though she had no idea I wanted it
60. Sometimes I miss the Bible like an ache inside me
61. That happens when I haven't been in the Word for a while
62. It is still really hard to get back into it
63. I really want to lose this weight
64. My resolve is fleeting
65. As are my attempts at healthy eating and exercise
66. I'm discouraged
67. And yet hopeful
68. I'm reading a book called Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire With God, Not Food
69. It is incredibly poignant and far too accurate about my experience
70. I'm excited to tell you all more about it as I continue to read and process
71. I'm singing on worship team again this week
72. No matter the situation, I love worshiping God and using that gift to point others to Him
73. (I'm beginning to wonder if I should be using periods at the ends of each bullet point)
74. Cuddling with my husband, talking about whatever odd thing that crosses our minds, feeling completely safe, and needed, and loved, and treasured, might be when I feel God's love the most
75. It has now been four years since I have been in a musical
76. I miss musical theatre with a passion
77. I got some fantastic clothes at Kohls a couple weekends ago
78. Shopping for myself is a love/hate relationship
79. Accessories are always easier to shop for; Marshall's did not fail me
80. Sunglasses, a case, rainy-weather coat, purse, and Lentil Chips (who knew?)
81. Shoes are not easy to shop for: very. wide. feet.
82. I had to get new jeans because I wore holes in my old ones
83. In the thighs
84. I hate that
85. It feels like a "fat girl" thing
86. I discovered quinoa pasta (also made with corn starch) - perfect for a (mostly) grain-free husband
87. Kevin and I are making no-bake cookies for his work all-month-birthday party tomorrow
88. That makes me feel grown up
89. I cleaned out the fridge today
90. Ew.
91. We watched Man on a Ledge last night with a free Redbox rental that got texted to me
92. Free stuff is AWESOME
93. I got the new iPhone 5 and could not be more excited
94. Actually, it hasn't been shipped yet, so I don't have it yet
95. I check my email about every hour to see if it has shipped yet
96. But they told me it would take at least 3-4 weeks
97. It's only been two
98. I love paying my bills when I know I have enough money to do so and that they are on time
99. I always feel accomplished and responsible
100. I love writing this blog, even when I do not have lots of time to do so. So don't go away. Keep reading. Keep commenting. Contact me anytime! I would love to get a little more dialogue going on here - when I can manage.

So tell me: What number resonated with you the most? Why? If you made a similar list right now, what would it be like? 

And because I can't figure out how to embed photos into the formatted list above, here are the ones I wanted to show you:

The End.

My Heart of Hearts

There are many thoughts going through my head as I stand in the kitchen, making my Medifast pancake, and stirring my in-the-making chicken tortilla soup:

"I wonder if we can afford that bottomless portafilter now. I really want to get good at latte art."

"This leftover spinach will work in the soup, right? Especially if I blend it all up. And then I'll get to use my immersion blender!"

"There's Nutella in the pantry. One scoop wouldn't hurt."

"Kevin should be getting done with work in about an hour. I'm so ready for the weekend and extended time together."

"How many ounces of water have I had today? A lot, I'm sure. I've peed way too many times."

"I didn't make my tip quota today. :( Well, at least I was only $1 off."

"Where am I going to put the dryer load when the washer load is done? The bed..."

"Shaving MacDuff didn't work as seamlessly as I hoped. And plucking his ear hair did NOT work at all. The vet should just do it for me. I don't like it."

"I really want chocolate. I have some Reese's minis in the bread box. The dark chocolate ones."

"No gym today. Not the end of the world. I can go tomorrow night, I suppose."

"I love my Spotify Broadway playlist!"

"I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time."

"Being on worship team on Sunday is going to be fun, I think."

"I still can't believe it was Kevin's idea to buy me new clothes this weekend. Apparently a wardrobe full of used clothes bearing stains and holes isn't in style. Gosh, I love that guy."

"My Cheat Day Stash is in the cupboard. Right over there. No one would know if I had just a little. I could tell Kevin later... You know, I am stressed. There's always something I'm stressed about..."

.....

Over and over my thoughts turn to food, specifically sweets. And of course, that would lead to salty goods. I have cravings. All the time. All. The. Time.

You've heard me talk about food addiction, weight loss, exercise, excuses, cravings; none of this is new. It gets old for me, too. This constant battle raging in my heart, mind, and stomach. 

I'm reading this book right now that really has me thinking about my whole mindset about being/getting healthy.

Here is the thought that has been rattling around in my head for the last few days: What if I saw my choices to stay on plan as obedience to God instead of a means to weight loss?

It seems so simple. Yet I have always tried to find excuses for why God doesn't really care about how I eat or if I exercise. How could that affect my relationship with Him? What does it matter? That has nothing to do with my serving others or being a good Jesus follower. And why hasn't He taken away my struggle, anyway? Maybe He didn't cause it, but he sure hasn't gotten rid of it either!

Then another thought from that book comes to my mind: What if God wants to use that struggle to bring me closer to Him? What if He knew that I would struggle to turn to Him instead of food and therefore hasn't taken that away? 

Basically, how could I make this battle, this journey, about God instead of about me?

That's a scary thought. 

If my eating and exercising are simply up to my latest "plan", then it doesn't matter if I falter for a night or altogether quit. If God cares about what I do, and if I disobey, that really raises the stakes. And it's not about some strict rule I have to follow; God knows what I truly, truly need. He knows what is in my heart, right down to the very deepest core. He knows how badly I want to have victory over this enemy, over the Enemy. He knows how much my spirit has been crushed and my heart hurt because of the limits of my strength and the weakness of my self-control.

What if I really did conquer this? Is that even possible? 

"Yes", the response from all kindhearted people is "yes". "Of course, Nicole! You can do it! I know you will beat this! Keep at it, girl!"

But it goes so much deeper than that. I know that some of you really know what I'm talking about- you are reading this and nodding along, wondering the same things.

In my heart of hearts, I believe it is possible. And in my heart of hearts, I don't even want to try. And in my heart of hearts, I want to look down at my enemy underfoot and praise the Almighty for what He has done in and through me, having victory over that which works so hard to overcome me.


So tell me: What is in your heart of hearts? What battle rattles you to your core? Do you believe it is possible to overcome?

I Won!!!

I can't remember the last time I won anything. I'm so excited!!!

Remember that recipe contest? Well, I really did win! My Pinot-Pepper Portobello Panini did the trick!

I'm on their website and everything!

This means I get to treat my husband to a REALLY NICE date night out and experiment with one each of the delicious Czar sauces. 

Thank you, Czar's Fine Foods for making and tasting my sandwich!

Oh man, this lady is pretty pumped. :-)

I was even thinking that this would have been way better on my homemade flatbread; I'll just have to give that a try.

The sun is rising, the power is back on (lovely surprise at 5:55 AM), and I don't have to work until 1 PM. Oh yeah, and I won a recipe contest. :)

Nine Months of Marriage on a Waistline.

Kevin and I have been married for nine months.

That means it has been one year and seven months since we met.

That also means I have not lost (and kept off) one pound for over a year and seven months.

Losing weight as a single person was a totally different Beast than what I face today. That ugly thing realizes just how hard it is to be a wife, putting my husband first, and still take care of myself - and it wants blood. This is not one of those cute monsters under the bed with one eye and a penchant for dry humor; this is a blood-thirsty animal that will stop at nothing to discover whether or not I could be as wide as I am long.

Some days are better than others, but to be truthful, I haven't had that zeal and focus for losing weight since before I met the hubs. Don't get me wrong, being married is the greatest gift from God I could have received; Kevin is my biggest supporter and constant encourager. It's me, not him.

Telling myself it is "okay" to spend more time at the gym and less time at home (usually after several hours of working at the coffee shop) is so hard to do. Taking any time for my own health that might take away from "us" time seems like the end of the world sometimes. And beyond all of that, it has just been really hard to keep myself motivated.

Why am I doing this? 

I had a list, and it really is true. All of it. But it barely stands up to The Beast (or The Stash) on a good day; it cowers in fear on the bad ones. 

The thing is, I know why. It really comes down to one simple truth: I feel better when I take care of my body.

And taking care of my body requires regular exercise and healthy eating.

It really is that simple.

I am a better me when I am actively pursuing my best health.

Lots of things get in the way. That's life. And sometimes, I really, truly okay with that. A down weekend every now and then is actually NOT the end of the world. A dark chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter Cup mini now and then is actually quite necessary - to my mental health. AND I love food! I love to cook, to bake, and to eat! That's not going to change.

And folks, I do know how to do this. I've done it! I know the facts, the info, the details, the theories... I just have to do it. Little by little. 

And it is oh, so hard. It doesn't get easier to tackle The Beast. I'm back up to 200 pounds. Now you know. I'm not even close to perfect. I'm going backwards on the scale. It is discouraging in so many ways. And yet I choose to force a good attitude and keep trying. (At least that is how I feel right now, we'll see in about 20 minutes...)

I've been going to the gym more often and eating salads for lunch. I've also been drinking 64 ounces of water a day, at least. It's a start. Well, it's more like a continuance. It just keeps going.

It's been a long time since I have really talked to you all, rather than show you pictures and tell you about yummy things I've made. That's all wonderful, and I love to do it, but sitting down to write about how I am is much harder. It takes more time, thought, and energy - things I don't have to spare very often. I'm working about 30 hours a week, which is a total God-send, and that doesn't leave much time for blogging after housekeeping/running, especially when I am also making time for my health.

So bear with me, okay? I think about you all the time. Keep reading. Keep responding. And keep going on whatever goal you are aiming for. 

We'll never be perfect, but we can at least keep going. 


So tell me: How are you coming on your goals? How do you keep motivated?