This Week

This is kind how I feel right now. Crazed, dazed, tangled, but trying to smile through it all.

This week the hubs and I are moving. Right now we are in full packing mode.


SO not my favorite thing to do. But we must!


So know that I am thinking of you all and will return soon. There are many things on my heart and mind that I want to share.


Stay tuned. I promise I'll be back. :)




Much love,


Nicole

A Little Fruity

Ummmm.... am I actually craving....fruit? More than CHOCOLATE?????

I've heard the myth that one will crave fruit the more one eats fruit. Come to find out, it is as true as Thor and his sizable mallot. That didn't come out right. Okay, leaving it at that.

I'm loving fruit. In a lustuous way.

A while back my husband and I made a fruit platter as part of our dinner at my parent's. It was magical. The colors, the textures, the SMELL. I could have stood there and eaten fruit all day long.

This fruit thing, this craving, is so foreign to me. I even want it more than chocolate. Not dark chocolate, mind you. Just the regular chocolate. There are chocolate kisses hidden away in my kitchen. Chocolate chips, too. But what is more tempting are the tangelos, apples, and grapefruit sitting out on the counter. When there are mangos, I stare at them. It's inappropriate. 

It's not that I can't eat them. I do! Everyday! It's that I'm cutting back on calories and fruit counts. Everything in moderation.


So tell me: What are you craving?

I'm Afraid.

Next Thursday, one week from now, my husband and I will load up all of our belongings, which I think we still see as "mine" and "his" since we have received or purchased very few things together in the last six months, and will move to our new home in Washington. We will be living in a very nice apartment... built over his parent's garage. Yes, I'm moving in with my in-laws. We love both our families so much, but have also loved our freedom and independence in our current apartment.

That is all about to change.

We are leaving our first home together. This was my first home away from my parent's! This loss has been a long time coming, but it is so different in reality than the anticipation.

God has blessed us richly with a place to live that will allow us to get our feet under us financially as we start this life together. That is worth all the hardships and obstacles. I am willing to be inconvenienced to take full of advantage of God's gifts.

That said, I am a whiner baby sometimes. Kevin is really the only one who gets to see that. And, really, I think that's best. Poor guy. :)

But I'll be honest with you: I like to be in full control. I like to control my surroundings. My unhealthy relationship with food was and is about control. It is a coping mechanism that I formed due to my lack of control of situations around me when I was younger. I allowed food to fill voids in my life. Textbook stuff, but harmful nonetheless.

With all of these changes happening, I find the desire to control something. I am part of a unit with my husband, so sometimes, food is the only thing I have FULL control of as an individual. I control what goes in my mouth and what doesn't. That is power. Unfortunately, that food also has power over me. And it is exerting its power at every turn as I attempt to let go of control and trust God with my life, which is yoked to my husband's.

Food is how I cope. Food is something I can depend on. I can count on food making me feel better, even if only for a moment.

And I am feeling that urge to give in to the Power of Food with all of this change happening in my life. I don't want to deal with my food addiction every day. I want to pretend that I "got over" that. It's not something I will get over; it will, it is, something I have to deal with every single day. If I don't control my relationship with food, it will control me. But it is not within me to do this alone. I have to give up some control to get help at times.

Let's be totally honest, I am still learning to give up control to my husband! And he to me! That is really hard! We no longer make our own schedules independent of anyone else. Everything we do, every word we say, every action we take affects the other - that is a lot of responsibility - and sometimes it can feel like a burden!

It reminds me so much of my relationship with food and weight. Letting go of control, admitting I need help and can't battle food on my own, was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It felt like a burden. But I knew, I know, that if I let God do His work that it would be a worthwhile burden leading to health and freedom. When I let my husband help me, it is freeing and empowering.

That is what marriage is to me. And change, too. Together Kevin and I are making choices to better our lives and put God and our marriage above all else. It feels like a burden when all we want to do is have fun and not do the hard work that has to be done. I just want to skip all the icky hard parts and go straight to the fun stuff. That's when I turn to food. That's when I want to cope in unhealthy ways.

Another unhealthy way that I cope is through codependency. You have no idea. Or maybe you do. But when Kevin and I make decisions together, I so badly want to check with all "my people" to make sure it's a good decision. I completely trust God and my husband! And we talk about EVERYTHING!!! We are so honest with each other. And we put each other first.

And yet.

I have been a people pleaser my whole life. So whenever I would do ANYTHING, I would make sure all the people in my life said it was "okay". I would basically ask permission from them before I did anything. If they didn't approve, I felt horrible. I would change my life to make sure all those people were happy. Friends, family, teachers, bosses... And then I would become so angry and resentful at them for trying to control me - but I was teaching them to do it! I was letting them have power over me! I'm not saying that there aren't times when people do try to control me, that does happen and it isn't right, but I am the one who allows them that control.

Even now, as a grown, married woman - my first instinct is to get those same people's approval and acceptance. If they didn't like what I was doing, if I would MAKE ANYBODY MAD AT ME, then my behavior would have to change. Right? Well, not really. Not so right. These are long-standing habits that need to be broken.

[Now, I'm not going to go into all the history of how I started as a child with all of this - codependency and food addiction, all the causes and whatnot, this just isn't the place for that. But I can tell you that there are reasons. And I do deal with them. I verbalize them and I deal with them.]

Do you know what? It is hurtful to my husband when I bring other people into our decisions. He doesn't say it that way, but I know it's true. Even if I only bring them in emotionally and mentally, I am still allowing other people to affect what he and I do. I get mad at those people for "doing" that, but really, it is me allowing it to affect me. Even if someone did get upset about our decisions, that's okay for them to feel that way, but I'm the one who decides whether or not their emotions and feelings will affect me. The way they express their emotions and feelings may not be appropriate, but how it affects me is still under my control. My actions may not even change, but sometimes the effect is that I fall apart emotionally. That is hard for me and my husband.

For far too long I have lived in a prison of fear. Fear that I will make someone mad. Fear that I will not be accepted. Fear that I will not gain others' approval.

I'm even afraid of getting to my goal weight.

I think that's the first time I've written that out.


I'm afraid that the people who knew me as fat won't accept me as thin.

I'm afraid that I don't deserve to be thin and healthy if other people aren't.

I'm afraid that the people who knew me as single won't accept me as married.

I'm afraid that the people who knew me as a people pleaser won't accept me for a strong woman who puts her husband before all others - including them.

I'm afraid that I won't get the support, love, and encouragement I need.

I'm afraid people will look down on me.

I'm afraid that others won't approve of our decisions.

I'm afraid that people won't support my desire to be the kind of wife I want to be.

I'm afraid that I will never be able to control food.

I'm afraid that I will surpass my highest weight.

I'm afraid.

So I try not to make people mad. And when they do, I allow that to really, really affect me. I fall apart. And then I resent them.

I get mad at people who have no idea I'm mad. This has happened so many times in my life. When I am honest, when I talk to them about it, it has nearly always gotten resolved. In fact, it usually leads to a much healthier relationship on both ends. When I create and keep healthy boundaries in my relationships, I am so much happier and feel so much better. I know that this is true. But I am still afraid.

This is real, folks. This is real for me today. This is not the freedom that comes from living in God's will through his mercy and grace. This is bondage brought on by fear from believing in Satan's lies. I believe that with my whole heart.

This is not who I want to be or how I want to live my life. The truth is, I get to choose who is in my life. And I have the right to be picky. I don't have to allow people to hurt me.

I have to believe that I am worth protecting, that I am worth more than that, that I don't deserve poor treatment. And that can be the hardest part. I still have mental blocks built up in my head that tell me that I deserve to be hurt, that I'm not worth standing up for or being treated better.

And that is just plain not true.

I deserve to be picky about which people influence and affect me. I am worth choosing people who uplift and support me. And they deserve for me to be honest about how I feel, about what I need. They are worth me not being affect by things they didn't do in the first place.

You know what else? I a worth doing the hard, hard work needed to be the healthiest me possible. I deserve to reach my goals. When I picture a thin version of Nicole, I don't even believe I can do that- or that I deserve that. How ridiculous is that??? I do deserve to have dreams and passions and go after them. I am worth that. I am!

Now I need to act like I believe all of this is true. Putting words into actions. That's the hardest part.


So tell me: Can you relate? How do you handle issues like this?

Blender Surprise

This is awesome.

I found this idea through my friend's blog, here.

So I decided to root around in my kitchen and see if I could do something similar.

Huzzah!!! (Anyone else picturing one of the final scenes in the first Pirates movie??)

I found that the Classico sauce jars that I keep fit perfectly on the blender blade. So I loaded one up with cold coffee, vanilla ice cream, coffee ice cubes, and butterscotch syrup. This was for the hubs. NO WAY would I have that many calories in liquid form in one sitting. That man can handle them, but I surely couldn't!

I need to do something about that label. It doesn't look very appealing, huh?

My little ice cubes (made from leftover coffee) are hearts. Way too cutesy. :)

THEN I had the idea to drill holes in the Classico lids so we could use a straw and take these on-the-go! How neat is that? Love a husband with power tools. I was sure he was going to drill my finger.

My mix was yogurt blend ice cream, yogurt, coffee, and the coffee ice cubes. It wasn't too tasty. I need to try a new combo.

I can't wait to make fruit/veggie smoothies this way! So fun!

So tell me: What kind of smoothie do you love to make? Give the goods! :)

Weekly Update, and Victories & Struggles

Weekly Update:


Exercise:

• Monday: 30 min walk; 45 min elliptical; 50 crunches
• Tuesday: 30 min walk; 100 crunches; 7 sit-ups; 10 modified push-ups
• Wednesday: 30 min walk; 45 min elliptical; 100 crunches; 10 sit-ups; 10 modified push-ups; 20 sec (2x) wall sit; 10 lunges per leg
• Thursday: 30 min walk
• Friday: 45 min elliptical; 100 crunches; 10 sit-ups
• Saturday: sunburn from Kevin's outdoor graduation
• Sunday: 50 crunches, 25 sit-ups, 10 modified push-ups

Weight Loss: I'm thinking I might weigh in two weeks from now. Four weeks in between. That should give me a good idea of how I'm doing.


I'm going to add a new section to this Weekly Update,


Victories & Struggles:

• Last week was Staff Appreciation Week, which apparently meant that the staff needs lots of food - mostly the unhealthy kind. Twice I had kids come to my room and offer me cookies and bagels with cream cheese. I said no to the cookies, but said I would take all the love; the second time I took an apple; the third time I took some watermelon. Then when there was candy in my mail box, I picked it up and gave it to some kids in my after school program. No, I do not want to promote childhood obesity, but I just knew I couldn't keep it myself.
• I started bringing some foods from home to slowly cut back on my processed foods. This ended up being Greek yogurt and honey for breakfast and salad for lunch. My salad included: 2 cups lettuce, 10 almonds, 1/4 cup diced bell pepper, 1 Tbsp Newman's Own Light Sesame Ginger dressing, 4 oz roasted 99% fat free chicken breast, and about 1/2 cup of orange slices. Absolutely delicious. And the yogurt/honey combo might be even better. I had these two different days. It's a start!
• After doing a lot of research, reading, listening, and searching over the last 2.5 years, I know A LOT about nutrition/health/weight loss. The trouble is, everyone has a different opinion. Every "expert" says something different. It can be so confusing for me to piece together what is the best for my body, what will help me lose weight the most and keep it off. I'm not looking for quick, easy answers, but some consistency would be so helpful. This is why so many people struggle with their weight! Who are you going to listen to? I want to simply listen to my own body, but I can't - I've trained it to want the wrong things and avoid movement. That is what it tells me to do whenever things aren't perfectly peachy.
• I did my elliptical workout on Wednesday when I REALLY didn't want to. For whatever reason, I misunderstood Kevin about something when I first got home and my mood swung a 180 in about 3 seconds flat. At that moment, I was going to sit down, watch TV, eat any junk food I could find (or just non-junk food in abundance), and not do my workout. I was snippy with Kevin, angry at the puppy for wanting to play, and it was not pretty. Thankfully, I had my new obession with Season 11 of The Biggest Loser (via Netflix) to pull me out of the quagmire pretty quickly. By the time Kevin got back from his haircut, I was back. The distraction and motivation of the show helped a lot. In fact, I started watching the show on my phone while I was doing my elliptical pumps at the gym. It really made the workouts fly by.
• I DID A SIT-UP!!!!! On Tuesday night, I did a sit-up. Then I did seven more. Then I did at least 10 the subsequent nights. It was a huge milestone for me. I am learning what my body is truly capable of, not assuming limitations will hold me back. What a great moment.
• I am loving this Weight Loss Competition. The community there has already been so supportive, motivational, and inspirational. It is incredible how helpful community can be. This is something I have been missing ever since I stopped going to my Weight Watchers meetings. Sitting in a room with people who truly understand your struggle is liberating and relieving. Even if it is long distance and over the internet, I am getting a sense of that now through a Facebook Event page. I am so thankful I decided to join.
• On Saturday night, after Kevin's graduation and family reception (at our apartment), we decided to order pizza. Right then, I would have been fine to eat one slice, one breadstick, and some salad. But I didn't even track all my food... and I ate 3 slices of pizza, two cheesy breadsticks, three of Kevin's buffalo wings, and way too many cookies leftover from the reception. Didn't write down anything. I had no idea how many calories I'd eaten in the day. This is NOT the way to handle weekends or special occasions. Then on Sunday, I didn't want to keep track, and I wanted a burger and onion rings. I finally did sit down and calculate out my calories for Saturday and Sunday (and decided on veggies and yogurt to finish out Sunday), and had to instantly forgive myself for going over. Yes, I should have thought about all of that before I ate way too much on Saturday night and felt super full and bloated - but at least I went back and wrote everything down. Victory and struggle.

So my week was full of ups and downs. Pretty typical, I'd say. I didn't stay exactly to my plan of not eating beyond my daily calorie count no matter what - but I did write everything down (even if a little late). Victories and struggles. I did get in the gym three times and walk all of my work days. And most nights I did sit-ups, crunches, and push-ups. Progress, people. Progress.

As I said, I went way over on Saturday and some over on Sunday. To balance that out, I'm going to work out an extra 15 minutes each time I'm on the elliptical this coming week. And I'm going right back to my usual eating routine today. I'll also try to drink extra water to flush out all the junk I put into my system over the weekend.

Well, now you know. It's all out there. And I'm glad. :)


So tell me: What are your recent victories? Struggles? How do you move on from set backs?

Exodus in Genesis

Exodus 5. Read it here.

The point: A couple guys on mission from God ask the head honcho of the Egyptians for a time of rest and seeking God for their people. He says no. And punishes the slaves instead. He makes their labors even more difficult. They have to produce more brick with fewer supplies. Sounds like a nice guy.

The people, unable to keep up with the new conditions, blame the Mission Guys for their troubles. Just days earlier, they had been praising God and ready to follow the Mission Guys to Deliverance. Now, however, their world has become more difficult and they want to point a finger.

One of the Mission Guys, the one with the stick and aptitude for raising walls of water, feels crushed and asks God if He made a mistake by sending him to do this.

Here's what I got from it: The world, this society, makes us believe that their answers, their rewards are the only way to live life; and that their punishments and disciplines will end that life. That the world's values must be our values. That the loudest voices in society must be right, no matter what. Pharaoh made the Israelites believe that only he could grant and take life. That the threat of physical pain was worth avoiding - even if it meant rejecting True Peace and Deliverance.

Lately, Kevin and I have been feeling the need for rest. Time to seek God, if you will. Time to be together. Time to let down, relax. The world tells us that we don't deserve rest, that we don't have enough money to slow down- even for a little bit.

That husband of mine has been going none stop for over three years. For me it has been almost two years. We are tired. We are in need of rest. We try to take time to rest each week, but we need some extended time. Not just a vacation, a time book-ended by stress and work, but a season (short though it may be) to slow down. A time of Jubilee.

Just like the Israelites, that time appears so beautiful when my focus is on what my heart and soul need. Then, when the world tells me that I haven't produced enough brick to slow down, my worries and insecurities flare up with reckless abandon.

My husband and I need time to settle into our new home when we move. He needs time to study for the bar exam. I need time to set up our apartment and get acclimated to living outside of Oregon for the first time. MacDuff needs to pee outside. Always. But that's a different story.

What better time to rest? Slow down? Take it easy?

In fact, I think that is what God is asking of us. [I could write a whole other post (series, even) about seeking God's will and how NEBULOUS that is, but I'll save it for later.]

Last week, I was notified that I would not be interviewing for a job I had applied for in our new city. It would have required a harried and early move and a whirlwind of stress, but it would have offered security. And I was qualified. And who doesn't want to be told that someone else thinks they're awesome enough on paper to talk to in person? Isn't that what the world says we have to have? Isn't that what the world values? Won't the world beat me up if I don't pursue its values?

Well, it didn't happen. And I'm sort of relieved. Weird, right?

God will take care of our finances. I believe that. The truth is, our finances will be fine for several months. But even seeing a possible struggle in the future makes me crave that no-doubt security. Having trust like that is probably the hardest thing I face. I want to control it. I want that security. I want to know Pharaoh's men aren't going to beat me.

Sometimes all I can focus on is fighting off the world's beatings, even at the cost of the rest my soul needs - that my little family needs. Even when all True signs point to the Deliverance of rest, I want the world to tell me that it is okay to slow down. But it never will.

The world will never tell me what I want to hear, not what I truly need to hear.

It tells me to be skinny, but to do it quickly with fad diets. It also tells me to pursue convenience and decadence at the same time.

It tells me to value money and objects over time with loved ones and time of rest.

This time, I'm not going to listen.


So tell me: What does the world tell you that flies in the face of what you truly need?

Homemade Tortillas & Fajitas

Following the instructions on the Maseca bag, I mixed 1 cup of corn flour with 2/3 cup water and 1/8 tsp salt. I used a fork to mix this up until I needed to use my hands to really make it into a ball of dough.

After forming the dough, I split it into 8 smaller balls, covered by a dampened paper towel. (Keep the towel over the balls of dough as you shape each one to keep them from drying out.)

Using a cut Ziploc bag (stronger plastic), I placed each ball in between the two sheets of plastic on the tortilla press (Amazon.com - but could have stolen one from my mom's pantry - oops).

Press, peel, and look! A tortilla!

Kevin got so excited that he wanted to make the rest. Gotta love a man that wants to help out in the kitchen!

In an ungreased frying pan, cook the tortilla on medium-high heat, 50 seconds on each side.

Then, if you are crazy about kitchen goodies like me, put the finished tortilla in your tortilla warmer.

 

These babies are so much tastier than store bought corn tortillas, in my opinion. They're small, but SO yummy!

Here is our skirt accordian-style steak (much too big for this pan) marinating in my made-up mix: lime juice, minced garlic, cumin, and onion powder. Unfortunately, I didn't think to have this marinating earlier. The best option is at least 2 hours marinating in the fridge, even up to 6 or overnight.

As a side dish, Kevin sliced squash... and meticulously placed them on the baking pan in an awesomely OCD manner. That's my man.

Sprinkled with taco seasoing (from a packet), this was delish!

Sauteed onion and pepper (and two cloves freshly minced garlic) - perfect for our fajitas. (One yellow onion, two bell peppers, one Tbsp olive oil.)

Let the stacking begin.

I loaded my fajitas with 2 Tbsp each of low fat shredded mozzarella (40), 2 fat free sour cream (18), and freshly diced vine tomatoes (13); add to that 2 oz of thinly sliced skirt steak (124) and about 1/2 cup sauteed veggies (62) and Valentina hot sauce (0) to finish with a zing.

Together with 2.5 fresh tortillas (165) and 1 cup roasted squash (29), my meal came in at 451 calories. It was so yummy, so filling, and so healthy.

My kitchen came in as: messy and loaded with dirty dishes. Always a sign of a good meal!

So tell me: what homemade alternative do you use to store bought?

Bob & Jillian, Please Ruin My Life

I would LOVE to do a workout with Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper.

Seriously. No joke.

It would hurt. A lot. My pain would feel pain. My woefully underdevelped upper body would hate me for years.

BUT IT WOULD BE. SO. GOOD.

Whenever I watch The Biggest Loser, my favorite part is watching them in the gym. My sadistic nature loves watching Bob and Jillian literally sit on people trying to do push-ups and loving every minute of it. My masechistic nature thinks that kind of torture would be kind of awesome.

You see, I'm afraid of the gym. I face that fear every time I walk over to our apartment complex gym and get on the elliptical or treadmill. But just a little. I'm not using weights or machines. I'm not kicking a large body pillow (okay, that's what they look like to me). I'm doing what I feel comfortable with.

A good friend of mine offerred to take me to the gym and do a workout with her. It would hurt, too. In the good way. And I really want to! I'm not putting it off to postpone the pain or bolster my fear - this one is a scheduling issue. But when I do make it happen, you will hear about it.

When Bob and Jillian are raking contestants over the coals, they are bringing them to the brink. They are forcing them to sweat out emotional baggage and deal with it. They are holding their issues in their faces without mercy - and I can totally see the love in it. Tough love. A lot of us need it. People who let themselves get to be hundreds of pounds overweight need it. I need it.

What those people keep saying is, "I can't do it." I understand! I would say it, too! I totally don't believe that my body could do the workouts those contestants do. And yet they all weigh much more than me and are less fit (at least to start with)! Why do I still think I couldn't sweat it out like they do?

Just last week, I did intervals on the elliptical for 45 minutes. I turned on an old episode of The Biggest Loser, thanks to Netflix on my iPhone (I will never belittle technology), and I sweat it out. Those minutes have never gone by faster. Motivation, distraction, and endorphins. I loved that workout.

This doesn't show my intervals. But I did them, I tell you!

And I've been trying to add little bits of toning here and there. Shoulder presses while I do my figure-eights in my classroom. Crunches before bed. Walking just a bit faster. Hopping up to do something for Kevin or MacDuff instead of staying on the couch. Every little bit helps. (I actually wish I had one of those BodyBug monitors like the Biggest Loser contestants do to track just how many calories I burn in a day; that would be so cool.)

I don't think I could ever maintain fitness based on daily sweats at the gym. It isn't practical for my lifestyle. But a few times a week? Yeah, I could do that. Workouts at home? Going for walks? Hikes? Sure, that seems doable.

I mean, when I think about long-term, when I picture being home with babies someday - I need to picture how I can maintain my weight with all of that. I want to have the energy to run around with my kids, play with them, keep up my home. I want vitality.

This is really about a mindset. A willingness. Self-control. Willpower.

It is about belief.

Belief that my body can do things it's never done.

Belief that my hard work will pay off in the end.

Belief that I'm worth it (and high-priced shampoo, apparently).

And humility. To ask for help. From God, my husband, family, friends.

Humility to go into public, no matter my weight or the state of my workout duds, and doing what needs to be done. Setting an example for my nieces and nephews who look up to me and for my future kids.

Humility to lead by example in the face of fear.

Even fear of a rowing machine.


So tell me: What fear are you overcoming? What are you doing to exercise? How do you keep it fun and interesting?

Weekly Update, and Pan Fried Tilapia

Weekly Update:

Exercise: 5 classroom walks, 45 on elliptical, 20 crunches, 50 crunches (x2), 100 crunches, 10 very sad modified push-ups

Weight Loss: Back to the waiting game.

Last week I started a Weight Loss Competition, told you about my struggles and triumphs, watched (and cried to) a lot of The Biggest Loser, and gained new vigor for my health goals - and, really - my health process. The journey is far more important than the destination. I would go so far as to say that the journey is the destination.

"Enjoy the process" is a phrase that is on my mind. You'll hear more about this, I'm sure.

For now, enjoy one of my favorite new dishes (husband approved!):

Pan Fried Tilapia

I have been using individually packaged tilapia fillets from freezer. Here we have three of those thawed (two are stacked). I weighed (ancient food weight - I need the digital one!) them before cooking them to determine which one would be mine (the 4oz fillet on the left that is 100 calories).

Then I dredged each fillet in the flour mixture, dusting off any excess, before placing (one at a time) them in about 1 tsp of olive oil in a medium-high frying pan.

The flour mixture is about 3 Tbsp of almond flour and about 2 Tbsp of an herb seasoning mixture (basil, parsley, oregano, thyme, sage, and rosemary).

After the each fillet has finished cooking (2-3 minutes each side), I slide them onto a cookie sheet, lined with a cut paper bag, in the oven - which is at about 250 degrees to keep the fillets warm. The paper keeps the fish from sticking to the pan and wicks out excess oil.

Here we have the ingredients (minus the oil) for the sauce to drizzle on top of the pan fried tilapia: 1 Tbsp each (per fillet) of butter (or Smart Balance, in my case), garlic, and lemon juice (I had to supplement with lime juice when the lemon ran out).

After making the sauce, I sauteed the mushrooms in the left over oil and juices as an addition to the plate. (Using the pre-measured left over cooking juices means no additional calories to the meal!)

The set-aside sauce. The "crud", or brown bits, have been picked up from cooking the fish and add great flavor.

The excess oil. So glad we didn't eat all of that!

And, the finished product. Delicious. Healthy. Perfect.

Total calories (4oz tilapia, including 1 cup spinach): 258
Weight Watchers Points Plus: 5

So tell me: What's cookin' in your kitchen?

Measuring Up.

Three things:


1) I would like to get a digital food scale so that I can be really exact about my calories.

December 19, 2009

2) I found some measurments from "before".

I thought I'd share.

The Body. In Inches.

December 30, 2009 (most recent in parentheses, you can also see them here)

BUST: 44.25 (39)

BICEP: 15.75 (14.5)

THIGH: 29.75 (25.5)

WAIST: 40.75 (35)

HIP: 52.5 (46)

That is quite a difference. 23 inches of difference, to be exact. That doesn't even include neck, forearms, calves, or chest (just under the bust).

That number will grow, people. Wait and see!


3) I figured out the calories I eat in a day and compared that to my Weight Watchers Points Plus.

I'll share that as well. I'm a giver.

Calories in a Day (Yesterday, actually!)

(Weight Watchers Points Plus in parentheses)

Breakfast 173.6 calories (4 WW Points+)

12 oz coffee: 3.6 (0)
5 Tbsp fat free half & half: 50 (1)
1.5 Tbsp sugar free hazelnut syrup: 0 (0)
1 Tbsp Stevia: 0 (0)
1 package Quaker instant oatmeal: 120 (3)

Mid-morning Snack 100 calories (0 WW Points+)

Banana (about 100g): 100 (0)

Lunch 255.3 calories (6 WW Points+)

2 cups spinach: 12 (0)
10 salted almonds: 54.3 (2)
1 Tbsp Newman's Own Light Sesame Ginger dressing: 17 (0)
4 oz cooked plain chicken breast: 120 (4)
1/2 grapefruit: 52 (0)

Afternoon Snack 210 calories (5 WW Points+)

Fiber Plus bar: 120 (3)
Lucerne Light Yogurt: 90 (2)

Dinner 254.8 calories (5 WW Points+)

Pan Fried Tilapia: 234.8 (5)

• 4 oz tilapia fillet: 100 (3)
• 1 tsp olive oil: 39.8 (1)
• 1 Tbsp almond flour: 40 (1)
• 1 Tbsp light Smart Balance: 50
• 1 Tbsp lemon juice: 0
• 1 Tbsp minced garlic (from a jar): 5

1/4 cup cooked mushrooms: 14 (0)
1 cup spinach: 6 (0)

Dessert 202 calories (5 WW Points+)

1 York Peppermint Patty Mini: 70 (1)
1 Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate Mini: 42 (1)
1 Lucerne Light Yogurt: 90 (3) (The Points are higher on this one because I had two in one day- the Points round up on some items when doubled.)

Total calories: 1,195.7
Total WW Points+: 25


4) I do measrue up. I will measure up.

For the past four months, give or take, on and off, for the most part, I have used 27 WW Points+ per day and somewhere between 35 and 49 extra weekly points. I earn Points for activity also, that I can swap for more food, but I have never done that.

I really do think the Weight Watchers Points Plus Program can work. In fact, I know that it can. It has for me in the past. According to my current weight, I could have 28 Points+ per day, fruits and veggies (mostly) don't have any Points, and then the extra weekly points.

But.

I'm not losing.

Granted, I don't think I've been quite as ardent about my measuring as I could have been. It really does add up.

And my body is in a plateau. Stagnant. It needs things to change.

So...

My plan (always a plan) for the 12 weeks of this Competition:

• Sweat 3 days a week, 45 min. at a time. REALLY sweat.
• Eat only 25 Points+ per day (roughly 1,200 calories).
• No extra weekly Points.
• No matter what.
• No excuses.
• None.

Several of the gals in the Competition offer daily or weekly challenges. I'm going to try to incorporate these as well. Ya know, 50 crunches before bed, 50 stairs during the day, avoided evening snacking, choosing a goal outfit (something I've done several times before, pictures of mine coming soon), cutting out caffeine (ummm.... I don't get it.......), increasing water intake - those kinds of things.

Yes. This is a bit extreme. But I have done it in the past. I can do this. And, because I have been all over the map this week, it won't be 12 full weeks. August 7th is 89 days from today.

Actually, I don't think I've kept to this stringent of a goal for 89 straight days before. Gulp. Big Gulp. The 7-11 kind.


BUT I CAN DO THIS, DAMMIT!!! (Sorry for the swearing, Mom. It probably won't ever happen again.)

(I think this is the part where I sheepishly side-grin and inform you that I am one of those Jesus Following Ladies who swears occasionally. This is a judge-free zone, K? That goes for stretch marks and irrational freak-outs too. Both of which I have to spare.)


Phew, glad I got that out. Can you picture my flailing arms and frizzy hair?


One of my best friends posted this verse on my last post (read her blog here):

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." - Colossians 1:9-14

Thank you, Kristin. I needed that.



So tell me: What do you measure? Any good tips to keep at it for 89 whole days? How are you doing on your goals (of any kind)?

MacDuff, with a Side of Truth.

MacDuff.



A little over two weeks between photos.

If you stay focused on the cute dog, maybe you won't notice my words of confession. I want to call them words of failure, but that just isn't true. I like to think that I fail whenever I dissapoint myself. The truth is, the Enemy lies. He puts thoughts in my head, or amplifies ones I conjure up, about my worth. My failures. My fears. My insecurities.

He was screaming at me last night.

He's just over 8 weeks.

He was aware that Kevin and I had a stupid argument. One of those arguments that you're not sure why is started, how it escalated so fast, and why you're still so angry - for no reason at all. One of those that I hold onto, keep pushing, being stubborn as all get out - just so I don't have to admit when I've done something wrong - like continuing to argue even though we solved the problem.

The thoughts in my head were of failure. My insecurities as a wife, as a woman. My fears of failure.

He posed for me on this pillow. I didn't even have to put him there.

So I ate.

Sour Patch Kids. Frosting. Cookie dough. Ricecake snacks. Dark chocolate.

And I didn't go do the workout I had planned.

And I cried. And hated myself. And feared the future. And wondered about why we humans work so hard for a world that continues to push us down.

I just love our little Shnoodle. (Shnauzer/Poodle)

Then my husband talked me down. As he so often does.

And I talked. A lot.

And cried some more.

And realized that I haven't really, truly given weight loss my everything the last four months. I give up every few steps, or at least I step backward.

If I don't really, truly try, I can't fail.

There's the rub. The truth. The fear. The insecurity. There it is: I don't want to fail.

I don't want to let anyone down. Not my husband, family, friends, strangers, God. I don't want to fail.

He's learning to fetch, scratch at the door to "go potty outside", stay in his kennel without crying until we get him out, eat/drink on a schedule. We are learning how to have patience, with some more patience, and then add some patience for good measure.

So, I say to Fear and Failure: SCREW YOU GUYS! I know what I'm capable of! I know I can accomplish what I put my mind to! You will not hold me back! Your lies and threats will not keep me from reaching my goals. This Weight Loss Competition could not come at a better time. I am going to give this my all.

It is scary. It is difficult. In fact, it seems impossible.

I'll just have to prove myself wrong, won't I?

I'll be totally honest here, I could use some encouragement! So keep it coming! Each comment gives me joy and hope!

Love to you all,

Nicole

So tell me: What do you love that is worth sacrificing for? What goals are you willing to reach no matter what?

Weight Loss Competition

Though I had seen the Facebook notices for a while, the Hunger-Games-inspired post by a FB friend (also the creator of the competition) got me interested enough to take a look.

A little of this, a little of that, and...

I joined a weight loss competition!!!

One of my best girls joined as well, so this will be so much fun!!!

The competition began Monday and will go until August 7th. Three months. There will be a cash prize for those playing for money (which I am not), and an overall winner from the paying and non-paying combined. The winners will be based on percentage of pounds lost. No specific diet regime is required. This could be a great tool to push me through low moments when I feel like caving to cravings or staying on the couch instead of working out! 


I took a short hiatus in the Weighing Embargo to put in my accurate stats. If I am going to bust my butt to win (or at least have something to show for it), I'd better do this right!


 As of Monday, May 7th:

Weight: 183.2

Body Fat %: 27.79

BMI: 33.5

Height: 5'2"

WPM: 75 (words per minute, in case this helps me lose weight somehow)

Measurements (in inches):

Waist: 35

Hips: 46

Wrists: 6

Forearms: 9.75

Thighs: 25.5

Biceps: 14.5

Neck: 13.5

Bust: 39


Chest: 34.5

Calves: 17.5

[You can see my "before" pictures above.]

Disclaimer: While I am excited to do a competition, and am pretty sure I could give them a run for their money if I worked my butt off - I don't want to lose temporary weight. My goal is to lose permanent weight. This means that if I decide to sacrifice and push - if I really try to win - I'd better be ready to keep off the pounds lost. That is a bit scary to me. The weight has always come back on.

Granted, there will be times in my future when weight will creep back on, I know that. But I don't want to yo-yo violently. And I don't want that to happen often. You know, having babies, life tragedies... It will probably happen at some point. But my goal is to weather those storms/changes well enough that my health is never compromised. That I'm always able to get back in shape, back to a healthy weight.

Given the fact that I do not think I could feasibly change my lifestyle much more right now, my goal is to have some loss to show for it.

[Aside: I started writing this post on Monday afternoon, preparing it for today. I was pretty pumped for the competition and had that "new thing" high going on. Then, the next day, after I weighed - the despair set in. This is where I will dive into Things I'm Afraid to Tell You (a popular blogging trend running rampant through the interweb right now): It was a huge blow to see that I was only two pounds lower than I was in January when I re-started my weight loss initiative. More than two years I have been at this. And, yes, I basically did nothing but gain from February 2011 to January 2012. But I did lose 90 pounds... That's a lot! And I've kept 60 of it off! That's a lot, too! I have to keep reminding myself that I am not starting at square one. My body has become accustomed to this lower weight and increased activity. And plateaued. Plateaued majorly. Heels dug in. Not letting go of those pounds. I am going to have to cry (more), sweat (a lot), and bleed (ouch) to get this body of mine to let go of the pounds it has come to love. Nonetheless, Tuesday was a day of despair. A day of self-loathing. A day to hate diets, hate my body, hate the scale, hate food, hate self-discipline, and hate God for making this so hard. Then- when I admit to myself that I'm hating God, I realize that He is not doing this to me. It simply is. God asks for me to be healthy, to follow Him above all else, and to love. He never promised anything in this life would be easy. Alright, rant over.]

Moving on! Getting excited! Choosing hope and faith and trust!

Already there has been a surge of excitement and community within this long-distance, internet-connected group of gals all hoping to shed some pounds and gain some self-confidence. Sounds right about down my alley, right?


LET'S DO THIS!!!

I could use some healthy competition (ha, healthy, get it?) to get my rear in gear!!!



So tell me: What are you doing to find joy in trial? What reminds you that things will get better? Where does your hope come from?