Flexibility



Borrowed from: http://kellyraeroberts.blogspot.com/2010/09/handwritten-glimpses-another-bit-of.html

 I am a planner. No, I am not saying I am this planner, a metaphysical exercise in an attempt to be one with my schedule. What I am is a list maker. I have lists for everything. There are sticky notes dotting nearly every page of my hand-written planner. This I try to keep up to date with my electronic calendar (iCal, which awesomely syncs automatically with iCloud to my three OS devices - I'm obsessed with toys and organization). If something needs done, I have to write it down. More than once. I do not just remember things. There is also a calendar on the wall by our kitchen where I write down the big events (though, this is mostly for Kevin's sake). 

I am also a bit OCD. Too many times a friend of mine has taken great joy in flipping up the corner of my throw rug, spinning a figurine to face backwards, or turning a DVD jacket upside down. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! My nieces used to think it was so funny to jump on my bed, once it was made, because they knew it would take everything in me not to force them to get off and then smooth out their terrible wrinkles.

When you put these two superpowers together (here I am using the term superpower loosely), you get: Inflexibility.

That's right. I said it. I am not very flexible. I can touch my toes, but I hate changing my plans. My mother is the same way. It was bound to trickle its way down to me. My dear husband does not suffer from this affliction. He is extremely organized about work and school, but everything else he prefers to leave to chance, happenstance. If it works out, great! If the random idea pops into his head, fantastic! If it sounds like the best thing at the moment, let's go for it!

This combo can cause some friction between these two love birds. He spends so much time focusing his energy into his work that he wants to let loose and not have to think about how the rest of our time is spent. And, to be honest, sometimes his way means we are both much more relaxed. The problem is, I have to plan to be this relaxed and fancy-free. It's my nature.

Example: A while back, I had a couple days off in a row, before the weekend. I knew these days were coming months in advance. Let me tell you, I had a plan for those two days long before they arrived. It mostly involved sitting on the couch reading magazines. Two days to sleep in, relax on the couch, read the articles I never have time to get to, and not worry about a thing. (Note: a plan to relax.) When these amazing two days rolled around, Kevin realized that he needed to run some errands in his home town. "Hey! You have these two days off! We could stay at my parents after we run my errands. We won't have time to do these together before the timeline on these permits runs out."

I could have thought: My husband wants to spend time together since we have to get these things done anyway.

What I did think: He wants to use up MY days off to run HIS errands. And he didn't tell me until the last minute!

This instantly put me on edge. Selfishly, I did not want these two days of possible relaxation to be used up by responsibility. As a single person, I would have spent them on my couch. Maybe I would have gotten a hankering for coffee and socializing and gone down to the local coffee shop. Maybe I would have tried to get together with a friend. It didn't matter, it was up to me. No one else decided how my day off was spent.

Not so in marriage. These are the instances that show me how easy it is to put my needs (read: wants) first and be annoyed at my husband when he voices his own needs, or simply his ideas. It is far easier when I am in control. When I make the plan. When I decide when and what we do. For the most part, Kevin is easy going. He rarely complains. He just goes with the flow. If it weren't for his stubborn streak, a Planner Control Freak like me could bowl him right over. Thank God for knowing what we need more than we do.

I am not very flexible. I want to make the plan and stick to it. I want to put the dishes away myself, because I have a system (and it still confuses him). I would rather work on my own than on a group project. I want to decide who we hang out with and when. If it's my idea, great! If not, I'll have to think about it.

This is a weakness of mine. But I am working on it. God is gracious. So is Kevin.

Sometimes when our plans change, it takes me a few minutes to adjust. Even though it would be great if I could just switch plans without another thought, that just isn't how I'm wired. So I think it through, rationalize the situation (as in, see reality and find the logic, rather than trying to figure out how my way is supreme), and give myself a few minutes for adjustment. Usually this is all it takes. I may be slightly edgy during those minutes, but then it passes. Far better than a car ride filled with tension and unsaid words.

Learning to join two lives into one is no easy task. When folks say that the first year of marriage is always difficult, I think this may be the main culprit. Two lives, two backgrounds, two families, two worlds shoved into one apartment. Mayhem is bound to emerge. But, oh, what sweet, adventurous Mayhem it is!

(Is anyone else thinking of the Allstate Mayhem commercials? No? Just me? The teenage-girl-talking-on-cell-phone is my favorite...Just sayin'.)


So tell me: What quirks or pet peeves hang you up? What do you do about it?

Krispy Kreme

This is:

a) The Stash

b) Why I avoid the teacher's lounge.

***Today's post is brought to you by will power and an intense and inexplicable craving for donuts.

Weekly Update, and Food Diary

Weekly Update:

Exercise: I walked during my lunch hour the three days I was at work, and I walked to and from Starbucks once.

Weight Loss: 179. Up a pound. I suppose it was bound to happen at some point.

Needless to say, I was a bit bummed this morning on the scale. Granted, I know I am a bit bloated from the weekend and needed more sleep the last three days, but it is what it is.

Not only did I not lose, I gained. Maybe it's just water and it will come off, and more, this next week, but it never feels good. What does feel good is knowing that I did not mindlessly eat or binge this weekend. My extra weekly points were all used up on spaghetti, chocolate cake, and Costco muffins - but I never got sick to my stomach (and each food was well worth it!). I never grazed through the kitchen taking bites of random snacks as I went. In fact, I purposefully passed on several snacks that I love. A lot.

And let me tell you, that is an accomplishment! There was junk food covering the island in the kitchen the ENTIRE time my husband and I were at my in-laws. THE ENTIRE TIME. Do you know where the 20+ people congregated for the majority of the weekend? In the living room right by the kitchen. RIGHT BY THE KITCHEN. A.K.A. right by the island. RIGHT BY THE STASH.

Okay, perhaps my all-caps outbursts are a bit dramatic. TRUE, NONETHELESS.  And I didn't get in any gym workouts. I didn't lose. I even gained. I didn't stay away from The Stash completely. (Though I'm not sure my goal is to avoid it completely, but rather enjoy small pieces on my terms.)

But I did exercise more than 3 times.

I did think about everything I ate.

I did get in my fruits and veggies.

I drank lots of water. (Well, not yesterday, but the other days!)

I didn't go over my points.

And I didn't binge.

After a long week, a very tiring week, and an exhausting (but fun!) weekend, these are my successes. I choose to focus on my victories, rather than dwell on a slight fluctuation on the scale.

Back to my routine. Time to look ahead, get my system cleaned out a bit, and try really hard to have a great loss a week from now. A GREAT LOSS. (I thought once more would be fitting.)


And just in case anyone was wondering, the following is the routine I speak of:

Food Diary.

This is what a typical day in eating looks like for this Ginger (right now I have 27 points to use in a day):

Breakfast:

• Coffee - 3 pts. (I use: 5 Tbsp half & half, 1.5 Tbsp SF Starbucks Hazelnut syrup, 1/3 Tbsp Stevia)
• Medifast Bar - 3 pts.

Mid-Morning Snack: Banana - 0 pts.

Lunch:

• Medifast Bar - 3 pts.
• Baby carrots - 0 pts.
• 22 Snapea Crisps - 3 pts.

Early Afternoon Snack: Apple - 0 pts.

Later Afternoon Snack: Chobani 0% yogurt - 4 pts. (I am working my way through all of the 0% flavors right now; I think Peach may be my favorite. Some flavors are 3 pts., some are 4.)

Dinner: (this is where the variety comes in)

• Sandwich thin - 3 pts.
• 1 Tbsp FF Miracle Whip - 0 pts.
• 1 tsp Dijon mustard - 0 pts.
• 1 serving sliced turkey deli meat - 2 pts.
• 1 FF Kraft Single American - 1 pts.
• 1 cup baby spinach - 0 pts.
• 1 Tbsp Newman's Own Lite Sesame Ginger dressing - 0 pts.

Dessert: (I have dessert every day)

• 1/2 c Dreyer's Slow Churn Triple Chocolate Peanut Butter Sundae - 3 pts.
• 4 Sugar Wafers - 2 pts.

Now, there is some variety in my day - but not much. The flavor of Medifast bar changes each time, as does my yogurt (and sometimes even the brand). Depending on which fruit was the freshest when I did my grocery shopping, I may have an orange or some grapes in place of the apple. But I have to have my banana everyday. I don't know why I love them so much! (Maybe because my husband will sometimes surprise me with a secret love note.)

Dinner is where I get the most variety in my diet. Some days we do spaghetti (I usually use spaghetti squash in place of pasta), the awesome lentil soup, burritos (which are higher in points, so I will forgo the extra snack during lunch), Nalley Original Vegetarian Chili and green beans, or maybe the white chicken enchiladas Kevin likes so much (also higher in points).

No matter what, I try to get in 2 dairy servings, 2 fruit servings, 3 vegetable servings, and 6-8 servings of water in a day. The rest is based on convenience (and cravings!).

I also try to get in some sort of activity in the day, even if it is cleaning the apartment or walking to the store. Something is always better than nothing!


Each week I am also allotted 49 extra points to use however I would like. This usually takes the form of carbs, go figure. Since the weekends are usually when I get the most munchy, I try to save these up for that time. But when using some of those points during the week is what stands between me and a food binge, I go for it! There are some great comfort food-type snacks that help on such an occasion.

Seasoned popcorn is one of my favorites:

Sometimes I'm hungry. And water just ain't gonna cut it. (Here's where I emphasize my love of the English language being used correctly, unless not doing so allows me to get my point across. i.e. I teach English.) This popcorn is one of my go-to filling options.

Seasoned Popcorn:

5 cups of 94% Fat Free Popcorn - I measure this out so that I know how many points I'm eating. A couple spritzes of cooking spray - just enough to get the spices to stick. And then add any seasonings you like; I happen to like sprinkling on garlic powder, onion powder, and dried basil. Give it a toss and eat away! (3 WW+ points)

Here are some other foods that I love:

• Fat free sour cream
• Reduced fat cream cheese
• Shredded mozzarella cheese
• Baby bell peppers
• Zucchini
• Yellow squash
• Sugar free Jell-O
• Corn tortillas
• Whole wheat pita pockets
• Whole wheat, high fiber flat bread
• Whole wheat spaghetti noodles
• Four Cheese Classico pasta sauce
• Valentina hot sauce
• Low sodium soy sauce
• Sobe Lifewater drinks
• MediFast chocolate chip pancakes
• Lindor Lindt chocolate truffles

The key is moderation and portion control. I MEASURE EVERYTHING! (More caps.) Slowly, I am getting better at eyeing portion sizes, but it's not my strong suit. So I count out my chips one by one, use my food scale, and go through several measuring cups and spoons each day. It is so important!

So tell me: What are your go-to, filling snacks?

The Stash

This is not The Stash.

The Stash I have mentioned so many times comes in several forms. One resides in my kitchen pantry, still hiding from my husband's bachelor days. One is in the teacher's lounge where I work. And one is at my in-law's house. It also travels; it can be found at any social gathering or special event.

My Mission: To get through a weekend at my in-laws and an Oscar's party without mindlessly eating or bingeing myself sick. (A.K.A. stay away from The Stash.)

That food addiction of mine often comes along with mindless eating and bingeing myself sick.

Mindless Eating: When I graze throughout the evening. Each time I pass through the kitchen, I grab just a little bit of something. I grab a candy from the dish on the coffee table every hour or so. At a party I grab something off the food table every few minutes. If the food never touches a plate, it doesn't count, right?

Bingeing Myself Sick: I have too many memories of being at some sort of gathering, eating plate after plate of little goodies (even good stuff like veggies and fruits) and end up feeling literally sick to my stomach by the end of the night. This is directly followed by a dash of difficult sleep, a pinch of self-loathing, and a sprinkling of additional eating to make myself feel better. You have heard of vicious cycles, right?

I know the tips. I've used the tricks. Nothing new. I JUST GOTTA DO IT!!! (Enter Nike ad here.)


So, here's the plan:

The in-laws:

• Save up ALL of my weekly points so I have some wiggle room (Well, almost, the man and I had a mid-week date which used up a few of them. Well worth it! See below.)
• track everything I eat
• bring snacks from home (bars, baby carrots, apples)
• eat at the table, not standing in the kitchen

• drink water in between meals when I feel hungry
• hang out in the living room as much as possible, i.e. not the kitchen
• tell Kevin what I plan on eating before each meal (it helps to say it out loud, especially to someone who will support without policing)
• REMEMBER WHAT I FEEL LIKE AFTER I HAVE WASTED POINTS AND MADE MYSELF SICK

Oscar's Party:

• drink water when I first get there
• focus on talking with people, rather than eating
• eat a snack before I go in
• save some points for the event
• fill ONE plate of food after a while of being there, sit down with my plate, then slowly work my way through the goodies I have there
• REMEMBER WHAT I FEEL LIKE AFTER I HAVE WASTED POINTS AND MADE MYSELF SICK

The Date Night Burger.

40 Reasons to Push Through

Reasons why I want to be healthier. Reasons to keep going. Reasons to get up and exercise when I do NOT want to. Reasons to avoid the fatty foods. Reasons to push me through times of lethargy and stress. Reasons to remind me why I am doing this.


1. To no longer be "obese" on the BMI scale
2. To be able to shop in ANY store, and not just the "big girl" section

3. To have a closet full of clothes that I love and know fit me
4. To easily fit in the bathtub (accomplished!)
5. To have energy to get up and do things I love
6. To have energy to get up and do things I have to do
7. To have better control over my emotions (it is AMAZING how different my emotional swings are when I exercise regularly and eat well)
8. To be the best wife I can to my wonderful, supportive husband
9. To be at optimal health before I start having kids ('cuz it's certainly not gonna get any easier once I start poppin' 'em out!)
10. To not run out of breath whenever I climb stairs (accomplished!)
11. To fight the risk of diabetes (which runs rampant on both sides of my family)
12. To treat my body as a God-given temple
13. To go running outside
14. To run a 5k (accomplished!)
15. To armor myself with tools to fight food addiction
16. To be a good example to my nieces
17. To raise a healthy, active family
18. To fit into a pair of jeans that look great and are comfortable (accomplished!)
19. To get those Nike shoes I have my eye one! (only 8 lbs. to go!)
20. To have a great excuse to buy adorable workout gear

21. To walk in shorts without the awkward bunching

22. To be able to cross my legs when I'm sitting (accomplished!)

23. To have the confidence to do gym classes

24. To eat normally, free of bingeing
25. To feel more comfortable wearing shorts, skirts and dresses - without my thighs chafing

26. To walk into a room without assuming I am the largest person there (accomplished!)

27. To travel to a foreign country without being asked if I'm pregnant

28. To do the things I want to do, to not be held back by fears or insecurities

29. To have the confidence and courage to date (accomplished!)

30. To maintain a healthy weight (give or take a few pounds) for a whole year

31. To have a belly that, though perhaps not flat, does not "lap over my belt"
32. To have muscle tone (I swear I have no upper body strength)
33. To work out in a gym, not just my living room (accomplished!)
34. To learn when my body is hungry and when it is satisfied
35. To cook and eat smart, not just tasty (though tasty is important!)
36. To be able to wear a strapless wedding dress and feel beautiful (accomplished!)

37. To fit into a pair of cute rain boots (okay, I actually don't know if my cosmic calves will ever fit into rain boots, but here's hoping!)
38. To feel sexy (I know my hubs thinks I am, but I don't always think so)
39. To sleep better (when I am eating healthily and exercising often, I fall asleep faster and sleep longer)
40. To run a 10k

Spilled Milk or Lost Point

i.e. Things you aren't supposed to cry over.

But I am! Well, over the lost point, that is. The Weight Watchers Points Plus system decides your daily points based on your current height and weight. For several weeks my daily points was at 28. When I put in my newest loss, down to 178, my daily intake went down one point to 27. This may not seem like a lot, but for me, it is! Staying within the 28 was hard enough!

That number used to be 28. :-(

Really, the bigger issue is when I look ahead to my goal weight. How in the world will I manage with as few as 20 points? Okay, I don't actually know how low the daily points go, though I'm pretty sure there is a minimum amount that will not go any lower.

The point is, I like food. A lot. Obviously, this has caused issues for me. I work to conquer these issues daily. Part of how I do that is try to be creative with the amount of food I am allotted each day. Sure, Weight Watchers is a program, and I could be basing my weight loss on a calorie count instead. It is just a different set of lingo. But it is a struggle to eat only 28 points worth. It is doable, however.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty bummed about my lost point. I use every single point during the day. Each point gives me another option, room for creativity and variety. That didn't disappear with one fewer point, but it felt a little painful when I saw that number go down after I entered my new weight. (Note the irony that the girl who lost a pound is sad about the lost point, rather than elated about the lower weight. Hmm.)

The day went on, I ran my errands, I ate my packed lunch. I stayed within my 27 points, and... drum roll please... I DIDN'T DIE! Shock of all shocks, I was alive and well and not even hungry. My meals were spaced out, I drank plenty of water, and I ate my dinner very slowly (for me, that is). It was amazing.

As I sat at the table with my husband and two of our friends, I realized that even though I had 3 points left for dessert, and had planned on using them, I wasn't really hungry. My dinner was filling and satisfying. I decided to eat the two Oreos anyway, grateful for the leftover points, but did not feel it was necessary. It was extra. It was a gift. There was no guilt or feeling of desperation. And no sneaking either.

So, yes, it saddens me a little to think that I will be allowed fewer and fewer extras throughout my day as I lose weight, but I also know that my body will thrive when I put into it ONLY what it needs and nothing more. Food is fuel. Food is fuel. Food is fuel. Only put in as much as my body needs. (Why is this concept so hard for my brain to remember?)

While I pondered this yesterday, it brought to mind some of my old habits. Food really was the center of my life. (Still is, but differently.) I remember stopping by Dairy Queen to pick up an order of Popcorn Shrimp and a medium Chocolate Xtreme Blizzard with added cookie dough (because large would be excessive), and eating it as quickly as possible as I drove home, often burning my tongue on the shrimp. If there was still some left, I would eat it in the driveway while in my car and dispose of the garbage outside before going in. Heaven forbid either of my parents or a stray niece would see the all-telling paper bag.

This happened far too often. Did I think my weight and eating disorder went unnoticed? No, but I was in denial. I was just fine. I didn't need any help. No wonder my emotions dipped as soon as the computer told me I will have to eat just a little bit less from now on. If this were just a diet, not a lifestyle change, that dip in daily calories would be temporary and less depressing. These changes are for good. The stakes are higher. Thankfully, so is my resolve (and support!).

This process is hard, people! For those of you out there who are working diligently toward a goal, any goal, I salute you! Keep at it! I understand! You are not alone!



P.S. - I ate those Oreos slowly. Savored each one. It was wonderful. :) See? I still love food.

Weekly Update, and My Frenemy: Food

I'm pretty proud of that elliptical read-out! 

Weekly Update:

Exercise: Jogged for 25 min. on Monday (walked for 10), walked 25 min. during my lunch break each week day, walked around our town with Kevin for over an hour one night, and ran (is it called running?) on the elliptical for 30 min. yesterday.

Weight Loss: 178. Another pound down! I did use up my extra weekly points this week, but none of my activity points (all 27 of 'em!) - so I was thinking I would have a bigger weight loss. 


It's difficult not to be discouraged sometimes when I feel like I work really hard all week to stay within my overall points and added in 10 more activity points (walking during my lunch breaks), and only lose about a pound. True, any loss is better than no loss, or worse- a gain. So I have to hang on to the positive. 


Kevin and I were talking about this just last night: even though I want to get my weight off, I want the process to be a lifestyle change - not a boot camp diet. I've tried that - it all comes back. With more vigor in the diet, I could eat fewer calories, cut out all carbs and fruit, workout longer each night, and probably lose the weight faster. But would it last? Would I keep it off? Would I end up giving up and bingeing because it feels like deprivation? Maybe. So I will be thankful for the cookies I ate, the ice cream I had, the extra walking I did, and the one pound lost. These are habits that can last me a lifetime.


This process is about battling a lifetime of habits and food addiction. If I treat it as anything less, I will not see the results I am hoping for. Perhaps you are wondering what this food addiction looks like for me. Read on:



Frenemy. I was sitting on the couch with my husband, enjoying a Starbucks cake pop as we chatted about the day. As I am trying to lose weight, I made sure to make room in my daily calorie count for this delicious little sphere on a stick. When I plan ahead, I can enjoy such indulgences guilt free. Yet it still spiked frustration in the back of my mind as I took one small bite at a time, leaving it on the coffee table in between, yet peeking over at it every few seconds, hearing its call, much like The Stash's. It was mine to enjoy. Pre-portioned. It wasn't going to grow legs and run away from me, leaving me alone and disappointed. And yet. I stared. With all the progress I've made with my weight, I am still woefully slow in my relationship with food. I'm not talking about how much of it, and what kind, makes it down my gullet. This is the relationship that has created a dependency, an addiction, an unhealthy near-worship of empty calories that I can stuff into my gut as if I would never eat again.

Here are some things I've learned over the past few years:

Not everyone eats as much as I do naturally (we're talking about how much I'd like to eat, not how much I do eat when I'm trying to lose weight.) I used to think skinny people, or even average-weight people, ate whatever they wanted without ever gaining a pound. Not true. Once I heard a wise thought, "Watch the people who you think are at a healthy weight. Watch what and how much they eat. Pay close attention." And I have! Holy Cow was I surprised! (That was not an attempt at subversive self-deprecation.) Do you know what amazed me the most?

• they leave food on their plate when they are full (even chocolate!)
• they eat at a normal, even slow, pace
• they aren't more focused on the food than the people around
• they do not treat food as a medicine, a way of altering their mood
• they do not spend each minute of every day thinking about food

Andie Mitchell, find her blog here, wrote about her conversation with a nutritionist, after she had lost half her weight and was first facing her food addiction - not just the need to lose weight - but the need to change her relationship with food. She writes:


"I remember when I first went to see a nutritionist after having lost the big 135lbs. I was seeking support for the next phase of my journey: maintenance.

At that point in my life I felt sort of like I had trekked to the summit of Everest but had no knowledge of how to descend the mountain and return to life on the land. It was frightening to think that after all of the work I put into shedding half of myself, I might not be able to stay there for long.

After all, I had heard over and over, “Losing it is easy, keeping it off is the hard part.” Well, I agree to a large extent, but I also feel like that notion undermines the greatness of the impetus to change as well as the journey itself. But that’s another can of worms to open. I just remember feeling afraid. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life on a diet.

So my first visit was an attempt to learn the meaning of the word “balance.” To learn to stop losing and start living in my current weight. The most interesting thing she said to me was “Many people can think of at least one time in their lives when they felt at ease with food, or at least that they had an appropriate relationship with it. They probably didn’t have to think too hard about what they’d eat and how it would fuel them, they just had a trust in themselves and their hunger/fullness cues. Children are excellent examples of having a natural food intuition. They eat when they are hungry and generally stop when they are full. But you have never had what one can consider a “normal” relationship with food. For you, it seems the earliest memories still involve overeating or eating for some other reason than hunger. So then I cannot tell you to return to a place of trust with food, a state of normal eating. You have to learn that now at 21.” What a fascinating and excellent point she made. I had a lot to learn about myself.

With her help I was able to learn to trust myself. I realized that in order to live a fulfilling life in all aspects, food had to be a friend, not an enemy. When I first admitted to myself that food had been my love affair/dependency for the majority of my life, I was angry. I felt that I had to get away from it, to not let it be the focus of my mind. But as I’ve heard someone say before, “Food addiction isn’t like addiction to alcohol or drugs where you can just remove it from your life. With food, you need it to live. You have to have it everyday.” This statement only brings to light the fact that the only way through food addiction is by making peace with it. Food is just food. Chocolate cake isn’t “bad,” carrots aren’t “good,” and Bavarian cream donuts didn’t make me morbidly obese. I was the one who abused the food and gave it character."   [emphasis mine] (Read the whole story here.)



In short, this friend speaks my mind.

This is still my life. Every day. Every day I choose to eat in moderation and to not give in to each craving. And trust me, those cravings can come on so strongly at a moment's notice. Boredom. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Exhaustion. Celebration. Relaxation. Any of these can trigger a desire in me to overeat foods that my body does not want or need.

Another issue is sneakiness. When I realize that I am sneaking small bites of some treat (usually chocolate) whenever Kevin leaves the room, this is a time to step back and think. Why do I want this right now? Why do I feel the need to hide it from my husband? The answer usually involves a craving and an emotion - followed by shame.

I've sat through numerous Celebrate Recovery (a Christ-based 12-step recovery program I went through several years ago for food addiction and codependency) sessions, listening to women and men recount such experiences, though not always to do with food. It could be spending, alcohol, controlling people in their life... Treating food addiction as some stupid problem that you "just need to get over" is not going to help someone like me - someone who has a true dependency on food. [There is a rant in there about people who think that 'Fat = Lazy', but I'll save that for another post.]

Don't get me wrong, I love Boston Cream donuts, cake pops and cupcakes of any sort, ice cream, cookies, carb-loaded pasta, big 'ole bacon cheeseburgers, fries, and Chinese food. And there is NOTHING wrong with indulging in any one of these from time to time. BUT it needs to be when I plan for it and in moderation. These are the foods that often cause me to binge, so I have to be so careful about not choosing to eat them when I am only doing so to soothe an emotional craving.

So each day, each meal, I choose to eat healthily and in moderation. I choose to get up and walk around the track during my lunch break. I choose to drag my tired body to the gym to run on the treadmill next to some guy going twice as fast for twice as long. I choose to cry on my husband's shoulder when I'm discouraged or feeling sorry for myself. I choose to have faith in God's promises that He cares about everything - including my "little" food issue. I choose to tell all of you about my victories and struggles to motivate and encourage me on this journey. I choose to avoid the treat-filled teacher's lounge. I choose to keep on keeping on.

Window Shopping

True story: Sometimes I avoid trying on clothes in the store because I know it could lead to an emotional breakdown. Of course, this always happens after I have been really on plan, working like crazy, and think that I am FOR SURE down a size. Then nothing looks good. NOTHING. If I'm lucky, I can get out of the dressing room without crying.

However. There are some days when everything I try on makes me feel cuter and slimmer. Rare but AMAZING days. The following pictures were taken on such days. (Somehow that sounded like the lead-in to a Law & Order episode...)

I still want a sweater like this.

A few years ago I started doing this thing where I would take pictures of clothes I was trying on in dressing rooms (on the good days). This is not an attempt to steal fashion ideas... from Goodwill. ;-) Actually, this has been a way for me to visualize what kind of outfits look best on me and have a visual representation of my progress. Once I started losing weight, and got under my lowest as an adult, I really didn't know what clothes I was looking for when I would go shopping. So I would try on several outfits and take a picture of each one. It is also fun to look back and watch my shape and available outfits change as I lost weight!

Another advanatge of this fun little habit is being able to see what something looks like in a picture before I buy it. Or I can remember a style from The Gap and try to find something similar at Target or Goodwill.

For those of you who do not shop at Goodwill, I can understand. BUT if you are willing to take the time to sort through ALL the clothes, you can often find great deals. Many times I have come away with clothing items originally from The Loft, The Gap, or Old Navy - still with the original tags!

[Side note: I hate shopping in the "Big Girls" section. And trust me, that is exactly what I did for the first twenty-two years of my life (give or take a few years in the baby isle). Every time I would get to the Maternity/Plus Size divide in Target, I would look around hoping no one saw me. It was even embarrassing to show the attendant my items before I went to try them on. The colored tabs so vividly gave me away. I clearly remember the first time I was able to try on clothes from the "regular" section. Elated doesn't even begin to cover it. There is no shame in trying on the clothes that fit you - but I felt shame knowing I had let myself get to a place I so badly did not want to be. Even now, I have a hard time finding something that fits my short/curvy stature at consignment or boutique shops. My feet even betray me with their boat-like shape. Shoes do not usually look "super cute" in wide. Frustrating.]

 

The cardigan I have; the top I want!

The last time I needed new clothes was when I started my new job, as an assistant in the ESL department at a middle school. My wardrobe wasn't very teacher-y, and I was down a few sizes anyway. So I took  my $200 and went to Goodwill to see what I could find. About $80 later, I had 4 button-up tops, 2 sweaters, 2 pairs of slacks, 1 pair of jeans, and 1 pair of incentive pants. (Once I have gotten to a new lowest pant size, I buy a pair of pants in the next size down to motivate me to keep going.) The great thing about Goodwill is that it allows me to have a decent wardrobe without the cost. It would be too expensive to buy a whole new wardrobe every time I go down a size; so I try to buy "in between" clothes that are inexpensive, can look nice for a couple sizes, and that I can return to Goodwill when I have shrunk out of them without feeling a huge loss.

I love the color and detail of this top.

With my left over budget I got a few sale items from The Gap, one of my favorite stores, and had enough at the end to get my slacks altered to fit me perfectly. Now that I have had some clothing altered, I hope to continue this with my wardrobe. Putting on a smaller pair of pants feels great, knowing that it will fit you perfectly feels even better!



So tell me: Do you have any habits like this that help you reach your goals?

My Funny Valentine

(Friends moment: Janice singing "My Funny Valentine" to Chandler via a mixed tape - which consequently gets him in a LOT of trouble with Monica.)

Wonderful day spent in our jammies.

Though yesterday was technically Valentine's Day, Kevin and I decided to celebrate last Saturday instead. Following the example of a friend of mine, I suggested that we split the two big Dates for the year: Valentine's Day and Anniversary. As I already had MANY ideas, I snatched up V-Day and left Kevin with our anniversary (which also gives him until November to plan - though I'm pretty sure he is fretting about it already - love that man).

Using Pinterest as my brainstorming device, I pinned ideas for food, decorations, and activities.

For the final product, I ended up making paper garland, crocheted hearts, a Valentine's card, and tomato basil mozzarella salad - all from Pinterest. I also used random items from around the apartment to decorate and added a few menu dishes that I knew Kevin would love. One of those was pot roast. I had never made one before, so we tackled it together!

The entire day was so much fun. I made heart-shaped Belgium waffles for breakfast in bed, we played Rummy (which I won, by the way), we prepared the pot roast together before playing Monopoly (which I did not win, and was annoyed, haha), then we finished making dinner together before we sat down to dig in! While we let our dinner settle, we watched a couple episodes of Heroes (our current TV on DVD obsession) from season two, and then enjoyed a very messy chocolate fondue for dessert.

One of my favorite parts of the day was a Cranberry Spritzer that I put together: cranberry juice, sparkling cider (still trying to use up the left-over from the wedding), sugared rim, crocheted heart decor, and cranberry juice ice cubes shaped like hearts!

Celebrations like this are always difficult for me. The urge to binge is tangible. I can be thankful for baby steps: I served myself small portions, ate slowly, stopped when I felt full,  and I even left food on my plate. Add that to a two-pound loss for the week, and I can count this Valentine's Day a success! (Not to mention a very happy man!) :)

Weekly Update, and Rewards

Weekly Update:

Exercise: Two trips to the gym (jogging/walking), three walks (between 20-30 minutes each)

Weight Loss: 2 lbs.!! That puts me at 179. Woohoo!!!

I have to say, I was pretty darn excited when I got on the scale this morning! Even with Kevin and I celebrating our V-day on Saturday (which meant a few more calories on the weekend than usual), I was able to lose two whole pounds this last week. That's the first time in a long time. Jogging an extra five minutes at the gym probably helped some, and I saved all of my extra weekly points for Saturday in preparation of our Valentine's celebration.

Yes, this is exciting me this morning. However, just yesterday I was in tears because of a coat. Actually, it was three coats. Kevin and I decided to walk to Starbucks for our Sunday morning coffee so that I could get in another walk; due to the continually chilly weather, I decided to try on one of my cute coats - not just wear the black one I wear everyday. (It's not horrible, but it was a Wal-Mart deal, and not great quality. Functional, not cute.) None of my coats fit. I already knew that, but I got my hopes up, thinking just maybe one of them would look okay on. I think I bought all of them when I was at a lower weight than I am now, but I wanted to try anyway.

All of a sudden those voices in my head started telling me that I am ugly, stupid, never going to lose the weight, I should just give up now, I will always be fat... I stood there by the front door fighting back tears while Kevin calmly cautioned me not to give in to those voices. He knew they were there, even though I didn't say anything. (I should add, I am not coo-coo, the voices are metaphorical here... Just in case anyone was worried about my sanity...) I was feeling bummed on our walk, but glad to have someone there to tell me the truth I needed to hear.

You see, I do celebrate over every pound (ounce, really) I lose, every additional minute I can jog on the treadmill, every teacher lounge cinnamon roll (SO MANY) I decline, but I also want it all to happen so much faster. Why can't I be at my goal weight now? Why does it take so long? Why do I have to work so hard? I know the answers to all of this - I'm in expert by now, right? And yet I still get discouraged at times. So here's to continuing on in the face of trials and impatience!

I must say, it helps to keep in mind what I have waiting for me if I keep on keeping on...

Rewards. I love making goals, and reaching them even more. But sometimes the incentive of a "pat on the back" just doesn't overcome The Stash's call. So what I usually do is set sub-goals and decide on rewards ahead of time. For instance, when I get to 160 pounds, I get a new pair of running shoes. My wonderful husband helped me decide on a non-food (so important in this food addiction battle) reward for each milestone:

Starting weight in January: 185

170: New Disney movie (I eventually want them all on DVD)

160: New running shoes (the two pair I have are SO worn out)

150: Hiking through Silver Falls (so beautiful, haven't been for years, and I want Kevin to see them!)

140: Movie and frozen yogurt date with the hubs (the fro-yo is food, but it is a healthier option than what I would usually consider a food reward - and it can be expensive, which is why we don't get it often - it's more about the experience than the fro-yo.)

Goal weight 135: Shopping spree for a new wardrobe! (Let me tell you - most of my wardrobe for the last two years has come from Goodwill. I did NOT want to spend tons of money on "in between" clothes, but more on that another time.)


The milestone I'm currently looking forward to most (other than the new wardrobe, of course) is a pair of new running shoes. And ever since I saw the little do-hickey at the Apple store (remember the Apple obsession?), I really want the Nike+ shoes so I can get the Apple thing to stick in the shoe and track my distance/calories/etc. How cool is that? Even if it isn't exactly practical, that's what makes it a great reward! I love toys. This is definitely my kind of toy.

From http://www.apple.com/ipod/nike/

So tell me: What non-food (or healthy food) rewards would you use for goal incentives (and not just for weight loss, for anything!)?

The Head and the Heart

Alaska, summer 2011.

This just in: I am a new wife. Okay, so that may not be news, but it is certainly true. After a few months of marriage, I am no expert - but I do care a great deal what kind of wife I am to my amazing husband. (Note: I will use almost any excuse to brag about my husband. He's humble enough for us both.) :-)

One of my wedding presents was the book The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian. I had heard of her books, and even have a dusty Graduate version somewhere, but had never read one. A few weeks ago I started having weekly solo devotions. My New Year's Resolutions were certainly a catalyst for this, but I have been wanting to make room for extended God time for a while.

You know that feeling you get when you sit down to have God time and it has been a while? I had cleaned up a bit in the bedroom where I do my devotions (because I cannot focus in a messy space - yes, I am becoming my mother), grabbed a snack (yogurt with grapes), and settled in to enjoy some alone time while Kevin was at class. And that's when that feeling hit. Somewhere in my chest. It's that feeling I get when I spend time with a friend who I haven't seen in a long time. It's not that God and I have been at odds, more that I let the busyness of life take over and forget that I need time with my Creator. Time to rest, heal, and listen. Time to learn more about Him and His Word.

[Tangent: I have struggled with devotions since I was little. Growing up in a Christian home and environment, I always wanted to be that "Perfect Christian Girl". I can still remember who I thought that was as a twelve-year-old. She was always the best at Bible Quizzing, she knew every Bible story our Children's Pastor talked about, and she came from a Perfect Christian Family. At least that's what I thought. So when I went to have devotions, I thought I would need to read my Bible every day for at least 15 minutes, hear God speak to me, pray for everyone I knew, and feel something special each time. If I didn't get the feeling, I obviously didn't do it right. With all that pressure to be "perfect", I never stuck with the habit for more than a few days in a row, a week tops. This was true up until my college years, when I discovered something incredible: God doesn't care if I have the feeling each time, He just wants me to show up. Whether it is praying in the car, in the shower, on the treadmill, or on my knees - He just wants me to show up. Spending time with God every day, living my life according to Scripture, that is my devotion. I'm sure God wouldn't mind if I spent those 15 minutes reading my Bible every day, but I also don't think I will be struck by lightning if I don't. I have been a bit more disciplined about my devotional time over the last several years. Trust me - I'm no image of perfection - but I do try. One thing I've found that really helps me is journaling. It focuses and centers my prayer time.]

For the past several weeks, I have been reading and praying through one chapter from Stormie's book as part of my devotional time. Praying over my husband, and not just my needs and wants, has been eye opening. So often I see him as a pillar of strength and source of wisdom; he certainly has these attributes, but he also has moments of weakness and insecurity. Praying for him in such a diligent and pointed way forces me to think of him first, before myself. And that's the goal, right? During our pre-marital counseling we constantly came back to this model for our marriage: to put God before each other and each other before ourselves. 

The first section of The Power of a Praying Wife goes over many things, but what stuck with me most was the idea of the husband being the head and the wife being the heart. Stormie stresses that these are the roles husbands and wives are to play in marriage. For the most part, I agree with her. I feel the most in my element when I am creating a home that provides sanctuary for my husband and me. And Kevin feels the most in his element when he is protecting me and our home.

The roles of husband and wife have to be learned, I think, and altered to fit the needs of each couple. I'm not talking about who has the job and who takes care of the home, many times it's both! What I'm more talking about are the emotional and spiritual roles that men and women often fall into naturally, or have to fall into to meet each other's needs.

(I have also been reading Esther during my devotional time. What a courageous woman. That would not have been an easy life to live.)

So tell me: What are you reading these days? What inspires you? What do you do to center and focus?

The Discovery of Lentils



Find the original Weight Watchers recipe here.

A few weeks back, I found myself looking ahead to three nights of friends coming over for dinner in one week. This was a new one for me. I've had many weeks in my life when I was doing something social every night of the week. However, never in my own home, and never as a wife. When friends come over for dinner, I have to be able to feed at least three people. I want the apartment to look nice, the food to taste really good, and the table to be set. Sure, Kevin and I will often toss bowls of canned chili and green beans into the microwave and eat our dinner on the couch while watching our current TV on DVD obsession; but when I entertain, I want it to be planned fully and executed properly.


Unfortunately, I often end up scurrying around the kitchen, face flushed, stress level rising with each passing minute. My poor, patient husband. Every time, he sweetly pulls me into a hug and reminds me that my friends love me just as much when a few dishes aren't done and the magazines on the coffee table are not splayed symmetrically. Still, those things matter, right? Having friends over for dinner without raising my blood pressure is another goal I can add to my list.


Nonetheless, I was looking at three meals to prepare and decided I would try some new recipes! Actually, I went with one new recipe that I made twice and one of Kevin's favorites, white chicken enchiladas from my Better Homes and Gardens cookbook (recipe here). The Slow Cooker Lentil Soup pictured above (that's really my soup!) was one delicious new discovery. Lentils are new to me. My husband grew up on them, but I never ate them to my knowledge. SO GOOD!!! Those tasty little devils filled me up in one serving (5 WW points for 1.5 cups). I was satiated, satisfied, warm, and ready for a nap. Now I have made this soup three times, and each time it has been super simple and absolutely decadent.




Here's the recipe:

Ingredients

2 medium uncooked carrots, peeled, cut into large chunks

2 ribs (medium) uncooked celery, cut into large chunks   

1 medium uncooked onion, cut into large chunks

2 clove (medium) garlic clove, minced  (I use a spoonful of the minced garlic in a jar.)

2 cup dry lentils, picked over (I don't actually know what they mean by picked over. It hasn't killed me yet!)  

3 bay leaves

1/2 tsp dried thyme, crushed

1/2 tsp table salt, or to taste

1/4 tsp black pepper, or to taste (I use just a dash because the hubs isn't a huge fan)

8 cups canned chicken broth (Because our Crockpot is only 3.5 qts, I use 6 cups, which I make myself with hot water and Watkins bouillon seasoning - 1 Tbsp for every cup.)

4 oz uncooked Canadian-style bacon, diced (4 or 5 slices) (We couldn't find this in the store, so I've been using 3 slices of regular bacon, diced.)

Instructions

• Place ingredients in a 4- to 5-quart slow cooker (it all fits in our 3.5 qts slow cooker if I only add 6 cups of chicken broth) in the following order: carrots, celery, onion, garlic, lentils, bay leaves, thyme, salt, pepper and broth. Cover slow cooker; cook on low setting for 6 hours. (You can cook it on high in half the time if needed, though the taste/texture does change slightly.) Uncover, stir in bacon and heat for 30 minutes more (I would recommend at least an hour for the bacon, if using regular); remove bay leaves. Yields about 1 1/2 cups per serving.

This dish is hearty, healthy, easy, delicious, and cheap. It also makes enough for the two of us to have dinner two nights in a row, or one dinner and two lunches for Kevin.


So tell me: What is one of your favorite quick, budget-friendly, and delicious recipes?

Weekly Update, and Surviving Sabotage Situations

Mondays are my weigh-in days. So, for better or for worse, I will give you all a weekly update.


Today I am happy to report a little over a pound lost! I often don't think this means much, but...

One pound of fat.

... it really does. See? So gross, but also encouraging! I can also report that I did in fact work out last week as I had planned. The exercise wasn't as intense as I had hoped, but it still happened, and I'm trying to see that as a success.


I would like to be losing closer to two pounds a week - which would require working out more intensely and cutting a few of those extra calories. Hmm. It is so much harder to do than talk about doing.


So about my weekend. [Weekends are SO HARD for me anyway. Usually, my husband and I get time to rest and veg over the weekend. We get tasks done, too, but mainly we chill. All week long we work and grow increasingly more tired, so we enjoy the weekends of next to nothingness. When I am relaxing like this, it makes me want to eat junk food! Why does lounging around doing nothing somehow mean that I need to add worthless, empty calories to my lethargy??? Boredom, I suppose. That is one of my junk food triggers.] This weekend we had some extra time off to run errands, some of which were up where my husband grew up; a.k.a. we stayed the night with my in-laws.


Don't get me wrong, I love these people dearly, but that kitchen has a Stash of its own. It knows I'm there. It hears me coming. It shows now mercy. Chocolate dipped cookies, tubs of caramel and toffee chocolates from Costco, delicious (and certainly not low fat or sugar free) coffee creamers, and CHOCOLATE CAKE to boot!


SPOILER ALERT: Chocolate is one of my main TRIGGERS! Especially when it is put in the form of moist, gooey, several-layer cake. Muffins, cupcakes, cake pops, chewy cookies - this taste/texture combo almost always gets the better of me. And I can't have just one! That's simply not how The Stash works!


Eggs and sausage for breakfast. I drank three glasses of water in an attempt to fill myself up and thereby eat less food. It sort of worked. (This is a tip I picked up long ago: drink 8 oz of water before a meal, wait 15 minutes, and you'll be more filled and less likely to binge on the meal itself. I didn't wait the 15 minutes.) I also ate an orange and a banana to slow down the oncoming binge. Again, it sort of worked. I ended up eating one each of the Costco goodies, one chocolate covered cookie, too many little smokies (probably 5-7), about two eggs (so hard to measure when there are 20 scrambled eggs in the pan), 2 Morningstar sausage links, and a decadent and deadly slice of chocolate cake. Chocolate is a vegetable, right?


My mother-in-law is one of those women who keeps lots of food stocked up so she can feed the armies that inevitably show up at her house unexpectedly. This is the kind of kitchen/home I hope to have someday. But for now, I need strategies to survive a situation like this that can sabotage my weekly weight loss.


I did track everything I ate (at least what I could remember, i.e. mindless snacking), and I was able to finish out the week without going over my allotted food points. And I did my planned workouts. AND one more little marble went into the Pounds Lost glass this morning (which makes the mirror more bearable). But I need to plan ahead for sabotage situations. And I need to really think hard before I eat a food I know to be a trigger.


Here are some things I've picked up over the years, even if I haven't often used or perfected them (not to mention, I do not have any data or stats to show you, only common experiences and wisdom from others):

• Don't eat yellow snow. You're right, I'm sorry, that was immature. :)
• Drink as much water as you can throughout the day. (I love Sobe Lifewater Zeros and always keep some stocked in the fridge - unless they aren't on sale, so I go with a cheaper, similar brand.)
• Talk through (out loud, and with someone you trust) your plan to get through a sabotage situation.
• Take snacks with you! (I love baby carrots, bananas, grapes, high-protein snack bars, and even Snapea Crisps.)
• When you feel a craving coming on, take the time to figure out if it is emotional or physical. If your body is hungry, drink some water, wait, and if you're still hungry - grab a snack. If your craving is emotional, also drink some water, and maybe send someone a text or call a friend. Even if you don't tell them why, it might distract you long enough to forgo the potential binge.
• Keep small, pre-portioned amounts of your favorite "naughty" foods somewhere in the pantry. Maybe two or three Hershey's Kisses will tide you over. Or perhaps a serving of the salty Snapea Crisps. I personally enjoy Jelly Belly jelly beans (10 for 1 point) and Lindor Truffles (1 for 2 points). Sometimes you need to indulge a little to keep you from indulging a LOT!
• Keep words of encouragement and inspirational images in your bathroom and maybe even in your pantry or on the fridge. Remind yourself regularly why you are doing what you're doing.
• Forgive yourself when you mess up. It's going to happen. Let yourself feel the pain of it for a bit, and then move on! (This is when I tell my husband to just pipe down. :-) I am learning to move on! Okay... not my greatest skill. But I'm working on it!)

So tell me: What are your sabotage situations? What are your triggers? What do you do to battle these?